the terrible pain

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2010
the terrible pain
12
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 10:43am

The pain I feel today is inescapable, irreparable.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 11:05am

Magenta... I hear you!!! Your words resonate my thoughts exactly. I, like you, never had a dday. I cannot ever fathom what that pain would be like to endure. It will never be an option to tell H about this...NEVER. So, every day I live with the pain of what I have done. The disgust of how I lived for 7 years!! The A became a PA 5 years ago... how do you become such a great actress that you can pull this off for that long????????????? You become a shell, you become soulless, you become numb... but no one knows this but you! Not H, not children, not friends or family, not Xap... no one. I think this is why it is taking me so very long to heal.


BUT, reading so many posts about forgiveness, acceptance, letting go, healing, learning to love and appreciate not only your M, H and children, but MORE SO, yourself. We cannot undo the past, we cannot change our choices, we cannot change the consequences of these choices...so we NEED to stop dwelling on them. We will never tell our H, so we move on and heal and forgive the best way we can. Stop acting and start being true to ourselves. This is the only way.


Good Luck and love yourself. Huge hugs... we all need those!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 11:06am

Magenta-


My heart goes out to you and your pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 11:08am

Oh Magenta, first I want to offer you (((hugs))).


I know that my reply will fail to be as eloquent as your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 12:28pm

Mags,


Are you in counseling? I would highly suggest you talk to someone about this or it's going to keep eating you alive. Some people have the ability to shove the bad stuff to the side and go right on living the life they want. Others shove it down only to have it regurgitate later down the road, manifesting itself in some serious health issues or worse. Then there are those that get professional help for deciding what would be best for them to do. So, are you seeing anyone?


Guilt can consume us, my dear. There's stuff in my past that I didn't confront until years later, and now I wish I had done something about it much sooner. I would hate to see you regret not dealing with this pain now, but that does not mean telling your H unless you have all the coping skills under your belt for whatever fallout may occur when you do. Yes, it will rip him to shreds, but through omission of the truth, you may shaving years off of your own life with the stress that it is causing. Please talk to someone, and if you already have a T, make sure you discuss this thoroughly with him/her.


Sending love and hugs,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 12:53pm

Magenta,


You are NOT your A. You are not what you did. You are a good person who made a bad decision. We are all flawed and had an A for one reason or another but that does not mean that we have to remain that way.


You have grown Magenta and you will continue to grow. Personally, I would not tell my H. I feel that part of the growth process and moving past the A is determining why we had it in the 1st place. Does dumping what we did on the person that loves us the most really help with that? I dont think so.


Would you feel bad accepting his love had you hid a drug addiction from him? You are healing yourself, you are growing and vowing to never feed your addiction any more. Honor your marriage by never going down that same road ever again. You DO deserve to be loved and you can show it every day by loving your H back.


Just my 2 cents.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 1:30pm

Magenta,


I know the feelings of self loathing all too well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 7:49pm

Magenta-

I don't have much time to post, but wanted to give you a big HUG. Many of us can relate to how you are feeling. If you ever want to talk more or need extra support, I'd be happy to be an email buddy. I find that I relate to a lot of what you say and have done a lot to recover from my experience. Maybe I could help.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 8:00pm

Dear Magenta,


I also had no Dday when A ended and i struggled with this issue before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 9:03pm

Super insightful post Liberty. Thank you.

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 8:19am

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