Terrible time moving on :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Terrible time moving on :(
19
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:02pm
Well, my A only lasted for about 3 months and we broke up on October 22, but the pain I feel inside is just terrible.

The last I spoke to xMM was on Oct. 28 and basically it was me asking him to meet me the next day so that he can return the pictures I gave him of myself. Of course, he didn't show up and came up with a lame excuse that his bag was "stolen" which had my pics in it.

On Oct. 29 I called him up and left him a voice message and told him that I was disappointed that he didn't show up and then 3 hours later he called me back, left me a long and angry voice message. So, basically that was the LAST time we made contact. Haven't talked to him since last Thursday and I know we won't be calling each other ever again after that blow up over our voice messages.

However, I saw him this morning on my way to work. I tried to avoid him by getting on the front of the train, rather than the back, where we usually both meet in the past, and this morning we were both on the front of the train. We basically both looked the other way like two strangers. It was really hard. I did try to get a glimpse of him because it's just impossible to get him out of my mind.

I still run to my cell phone everytime it rings and I wish it's him, but it's not. I replay the images over and over again in my head when we were together. I miss his kisses. I must admit as much as I hate him right now, he was a GREAT kisser! Everytime I wear my Ralph Lauren perfume, I remember him. That's the scent I used to wear for him.

I saved his voice messages on my cell phone and the e-mails we exchanged a while back. I miss him terribly and I try to move on, but it's just too painful.

At one point, I wished we could still be friends, but as one person told me in his post "It's like an alcoholic becoming a social drinker. Ain't gonna happen."

I am really trying to move on, but it's hard. I still think about him, I still stare at my cell phone wishing he would call.....

The only progress I made so far is that I haven't called him since last Friday and I know I won't call him because the last message we left each other weren't exactly the nicest.

Anyway. Thought I share my road to recovery. Very painful, my heart and my soul is crushed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:12pm
I have been going through the same. I got rid of everything that reminded me of my ow. NO pictures, cd, clothes she bought me, e-mails deleted, vm messages deleted. This is the start. If you want the pain to end you need to stop torturing yourself like I did. Believe me your post is exactly how I felt. I am now 1 week without contact and each day that goes by gets a bit easier. Rely on your friends and family to get you through. Keep yourself busy and do all you can to avoid him. If you haven't seen a counselor I would strongly suggest it. Depression will only hinder your recovery.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:22pm
I know what you mean. However, seeing him today just made it really hard. I love this man. I know others have told me it's not love, but lust. I think about xMM more than I think about my H, which is not good.

I am going to see a counselor tomorrow. I really hope it will help me get over xMM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:30pm
Hello again Saddy,

Holding on to voice messages etc.. and hoping he will call is not a road to recovery, If you want it to be over with you need to let go COMPLETELY.... I know it is tuff because you are in the begginning stages but you need to make that choice of all or nothing. I did the same thing at the begginning and I can understand what you are going through its completely normal, but when I decided to let go I got rid of everything that reminded me of him. I can tell you that today I have felt really down and out and I am going on my 8th week. They keep telling me it will get easier, I want to believe it will for all of us, but for now I have this board and my little strengths I pull from to keep me going on a day to day basis.

Stay focused, I hope you can continue the NC it truly helps and get rid of all those reminders.

Take Care

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:13pm
Sad

I know you will not want to do it but you need to delete the VM, EMs and get rid of EVERYTHING that you have the connects the two of you, having these things hase the same effect as having contact it only keeps setting you back, its like a junkie keeping a little dupe around and having a little sniff from time to time, it just keeps them a junkie.

Free

PS: Try the middle of the train.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:17pm


I agree with everyone else in regards to getting rid of everything that can, will remind you of your xMM.

I did all of that; but what really sped up my road to recovery was this:

changing my cell number. He used to always contact me through cell phone...just looking at the cell phone bothered, reminded me of him too much. By changing the number, I knew that if the phone rang, IT WOULD NOT BE HIM...always offered me that sigh of relief. No longer could, would I wonder if he would call or not...that itself determined how I would feel that day. No more! Also, this itself told me that "it's over..no going back." AND CLEARLY, I would not call him through that new number- would completely undermine my first motive.

I am aware that the break-up is quite new...but believe me, I was there...again, I cannot begin to tell you how the phone number change lifted a lot off my shoulders...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 11:31am
I would change my cell# if I could, but I can't, for numerous reasons. As I do modeling, all my comp cards & business cards have my cell# on it. Changing it would cost me a LOT of money and headache.

I definitely know that xMM will NOT call me ever again. His last voice message to me was pretty much clear that it's the end of our A.

Also, since my H doesn't know about my A, how would I explain to him why I want to change my cell#.

I had my first session today with a counselor. She kept asking me about my childhood, which I didn't think was relevant as to why I was there. She said, she needed to get to know me first and that seeing a counselor will not give me answers on the first session. I agree, however, my A has nothing to do with my childhood, or my parents. I think the counselor pretty much figured it out that I wasn't in the mood to talk about my family. Oh, well. We'll see how my next session goes and then I might have to switch to another counselor if this one keeps drilling me about my family, rather than about my personal problems and why I can't get over xMM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 12:29pm

Any counselor worth their salt knows that we develop coping skills and mechanisms beginning in our childhood. This means that you "learned" how to cope with problems, stress and anxiety from your parents,

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 12:45pm
Thanks for your reply. I never been to counseling before, so I guess for me this whole thing is very new. I always thought that the only people who go see a counselor are people with mental problems. That's why I didn't wanna go at first, because I feel a little embarassed about this whole counseling thing. To me, a shrink is someone I would never ever consider seeing. I mean, I've seen movies like Good Will Hunting where the character went to a counselor because he was abused as a child and that's why he turned out to be as an adult.

So, when the therapist started asking me about my family, I didn't think that was relevant to my problems. She said that therapy takes time, which I believe, but I don't want this whole session thing to turn into about my family, rather about me. My family has NOTHING to do with my A.

After I came back from my counseling session today, my cell phone rang. It was xMM. I didn't pick up and he left me a message. We haven't talked to each other since last Thursday, so I pretty much figured that he won't call me and I sure won't call him. We had this nasty voice message exchange last Friday, so I pretty much knew that we will never ever speak again. I am hurt as hell. I guess he broke NC and called me. One part of me was happy to see him calling me, and the other part of me was furious at him.

In his message he said that he wanted to know how I was doing since I had an AB over the weekend and it was xMM's baby. I didn't think he would call me to find out how I am doing, but now I am tempted to call him back. I haven't stopped thinking about him. Every day, every place I go to reminds me of him. I miss his kisses, his smile, his calls.

I cried my brains out to the therapist. I thought I was starting to get better, but now I am crushed again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 4:10pm
You will get through it. Keep going to the sessions, they really do work. I'm new to this board and am only a few days into NC. I got stood up Friday night by my xMM at a hotel only to find out he was out with another woman. (for the whole story see My Affair Support - He Stood Me Up At The Hotel). So as I sat there feeling so sorry for myself on Friday I was determined that I would not let him get the best of me any longer. I was with this man 5 years!

No this wasn't the first time he hurt me. A few months back he did something that sent me into a mental breakdown. I thought of suicide and everything but therapy helped me get through it. I forgave him only to be hurt again, but no more.

Just gotta stay strong and keep telling yourself you will get through this. I'm putting all my energy into my 3 kids and M. As soon as I deleted him from my cell, blocked his IM and email, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Stay strong and very sorry about what you went through this weekend. That has to be rough. Take care,

Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 4:26am
<<>>>

If they do it to their wives, they will do it to their lovers. Once a cheater, always a cheater, IMO. I am sorry for your pain. You have done the right thing by elliminating him from all channels of contact.

Stay strong,

Sunny

Sunny

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