Terrible time moving on :(
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| Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:02pm |
The last I spoke to xMM was on Oct. 28 and basically it was me asking him to meet me the next day so that he can return the pictures I gave him of myself. Of course, he didn't show up and came up with a lame excuse that his bag was "stolen" which had my pics in it.
On Oct. 29 I called him up and left him a voice message and told him that I was disappointed that he didn't show up and then 3 hours later he called me back, left me a long and angry voice message. So, basically that was the LAST time we made contact. Haven't talked to him since last Thursday and I know we won't be calling each other ever again after that blow up over our voice messages.
However, I saw him this morning on my way to work. I tried to avoid him by getting on the front of the train, rather than the back, where we usually both meet in the past, and this morning we were both on the front of the train. We basically both looked the other way like two strangers. It was really hard. I did try to get a glimpse of him because it's just impossible to get him out of my mind.
I still run to my cell phone everytime it rings and I wish it's him, but it's not. I replay the images over and over again in my head when we were together. I miss his kisses. I must admit as much as I hate him right now, he was a GREAT kisser! Everytime I wear my Ralph Lauren perfume, I remember him. That's the scent I used to wear for him.
I saved his voice messages on my cell phone and the e-mails we exchanged a while back. I miss him terribly and I try to move on, but it's just too painful.
At one point, I wished we could still be friends, but as one person told me in his post "It's like an alcoholic becoming a social drinker. Ain't gonna happen."
I am really trying to move on, but it's hard. I still think about him, I still stare at my cell phone wishing he would call.....
The only progress I made so far is that I haven't called him since last Friday and I know I won't call him because the last message we left each other weren't exactly the nicest.
Anyway. Thought I share my road to recovery. Very painful, my heart and my soul is crushed.

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So, I called him again this morning. He said he "didn't get my message". That's a big lie! He said the same things to me again as he did in his voice message, how he was sorry about everything and that he couldn't stand the fact that I am so mad at him. We saw each other on the train on Monday and I basically gave him the cold shoulder. I didn't even look at him and I guess that made him mad that I didn't acknowledge his presence.
He said that he doesn't want to stay enemies and that he would like to keep in touch with me from time to time and that he never stayed mad at any of his ex-girlfriends either in the past after they broke up.
I don't know how he could be so cool about all this???? It's like, oh let's just forget all that happened and move on. Like it's THAT easy. For Christ sake, my life is mess. I had an AB, I see a therapist, I stopped smiling, I am basically a vegetable.
I know I shouldn't have called him back. Sometimes, I wish I can just do something bad to him, so he can feel my pain. How could this man come into my life, have IC with me, then treat me the way he did and now he is the one who is upset that I ignored him???
I am hurt, I have had suicidal thoughts, I am not even happy at home anymore. I am beyond falling apart!
You NEED to resist. YOU need to get control of this situation. LET his calls go to VM and then delete them! I can't understand how someone can actually enjoy being tossed around like a bail of hay by a horse's arse. Grow a backbone, dear woman. Hasn't he torn you up enough?
~True~
I don't take pills, and I know I am going through depression, because I stopped smiling and I always feel sad, but pills scare the hell out of me. That's why I don't take birth control pills either. I always forget to to take them and then with anti-depressants, I have heard people get hooked on it so much to the point, that they ended up in rehab.
I don't think about suicide anymore. I did once, but I would never do it anyway. I am even afraid of a needle, so ending my life over xMM I don't think I would do it. It was just a stupid thought.
I'ven been trying to figure out why I had the A. Maybe I am going through a mini mid-life crisis (I am 31), still attractive, I even model, but somehow the attention this xMM gave me just swept me off my feet. My M doesn't have the passion anymore. My H is still crazy about me and wants to make love to me every night, but I am not so turned on anymore at home. For me to make love to H is almost like pulling teeth. I've been married almost 10 years and together with H 12 years. We have no kids.
My H does not know about my A, however, I am sure he knows something is up with me lately. I cry a lot, I had an AB over the weekend (it was xMM's baby, but H doesn't know that), and my H has been overly affectionate with me lately, which to me seems like he is trying to show me how much he loves me.
I know my H loves me to death. He is the perfect H any woman would die for. Handsome, supportive, works his butt off so that he can buy me everything, etc.
Somehow I wish I could turn back time and go back to before the A, when xMM and I were friends. I wish this A has never happened, but now it's too late.
I saw xMM today. NO, it wasn't a "Let's meet" kind of thing. I was on the same train as him, however, I purposely went to the middle of the train, so that I won't have to see him. He saw me get on the train though and I guess was curious to see me, so he walked to the middle where I was sitting. He stood by the entrance of the train and looked my way. I didn't realize he was standing there, when I looked up. He looked sad, and probably angry. He told me in his last voice message that it's driving him crazy to see me so mad at him. GOOD! Paybacks a bitch. Now, HE knows how it feels.
So, basically when I looked up and saw him, I put my head back down and continued to listen to my walkman and look out the window. I am sure he got the message, because he left.
I hate him with a passion!
I read my first book today about affairs. It helped a bit. It talked about how an unfaithful MM who lies, will lie to his wife and his mistress and if he cheated once, he WILL cheat again.
Enough said!
Sadgirl
He said that he doesn't want to stay enemies and that he would like to keep in touch with me from time to time and that he never stayed mad at any of his ex-girlfriends either in the past after they broke up.
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