thank heavens for EAS

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
thank heavens for EAS
14
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 4:46am

In the three months since ending my A, xAP has broken through my protective wall of NC only twice. Once at the three week mark when he called a hotel I was staying in to ask if we could still meet for occassional "fun" even though the A was over, and once when I stumbled across a number of abusive emails

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 6:40am
Well done Kat. Another massive step for you - you rock!

((Hugs))

theyellowone xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 7:21am

Oh, my dear Katniss. Now I wish I had given you your Tweener wings on time. Perhaps they would have lessoned the pain of that phone call, but woman, you handled it with the strength and fortitude I would have expected from such a courageous and dedicated Ender as you have been. I know that was difficult, but his timing absolutely sucked anyway, not to mention just how selfish it was. You were awesome, honey, and I am very proud of you.

I hope you were able to get some sleep regardless of this interruption to your peace of mind. It's only human to want to know how a voice from the past has been, but this was a voice of doom. Sometimes it is absolutely necessary to silence such a voice forever, KWIM?

Today's a new day, and you can start it out by holding your head up high by knowing you did not feed the monster yesterday. He will now slither off to find other means to subdue his appetite. You, OTOH, will continue with your healing, and as you said,

"I also feel deeply grateful that when my family pick me up from the airport in four days time I will be able to look them in the eye with truthfulness and love and know that I have done the right thing."

Hugs to you, sweetie.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 11:39am

Wow, Kat, you handled that so amazingly well!!!

I admire your steadfastness, knowing how difficult it must have been for you.

(((hugs)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2011
Tue, 04-26-2011 - 1:53pm

"I'm sorry, I can't talk with you".

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sun, 05-01-2011 - 6:29am
Thanks for your support Iddy, Never and Decade.

My H was understandably upset to hear that xAP had tried to call me again (as part of our rebuilding I have promised H that I will tell him about any contact with xAP, however minor.) H's initial instinct was to email xAP to tell him to leave us alone - in less polite terms than that - but in the end we agreed that silence is the most powerful message of all.

My H still thinks that xAP's W deserves to know about the A, but so far I have persuaded him that it's not for us to judge or interfere any further with their M. What do you think? Is that the right approach?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Sun, 05-01-2011 - 8:04am

Kat, you are dead right, it is not up to us to poison what might be an okay marriage, from her point of view.

You have no way of knowing her reaction - what if she hurts herself? No. Keep silent.

And awesome strength you have shown too. Fantastic stuff :-)

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 05-01-2011 - 8:09am

I have to agree that SILENCE sends a very strong message. Strong enough? Wait and see. If it happens again, there is still time to tell him, (either you or husband) that he has been thrown under the bus. Your H knows your bond is with him. You were honest with him.

You can't second guess what other people will do. His wife should be left out of this. People do strange things when confronted with stress. Why take a chance on what he or she might do? People do crazy things at crazy times.

XAP might even welcome a DDay with her, why chance it.

If I were in his boots, I would think I dodged a bullet and let it all go and think I was lucky.

SILENCE IS GOLDEN!!!

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2011
Sun, 05-01-2011 - 12:39pm

Katniss:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Sun, 05-01-2011 - 6:57pm
Thanks guys. Yes xAP is a public figure and due to his previous infidelity (starting when he was dating his W and continuing through his M) his W has made it absolutely clear that one more transgression would be the end of their M. right now I think the best I can do is to focus on my M and stay as far away from his as I can.

on the positive side my H says he can see real change in me and in my willingness to talk about my intimacy/insecurity issues without becoming defensive or withdrawing from the conversation. Baby steps, but I think we're making progress in a wonderful direction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Sun, 05-01-2011 - 9:22pm
Congratulations for your courage and grace in the manner in which YOU chose to deal with the situation! I am learning so much from everyone here. There is quiet strength and power which comes from deep inside a confident woman. I am highlighting your post.....more gold nuggets to help me progress on this journey. Thank you!

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