Thank you..............

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Thank you..............
Sat, 12-19-2009 - 2:03pm

While I've been lurking on the boards for a few months now, this is my first post. So here are the background details:

DD was in Sept '09, for both sides. We were friends, both married and were involved in an EA that became a PA. Our families were friends and we were in the same social circles.

On DD, XAP and I spoke on the phone and sent a few texts. The next day I stopped responding to his texts and calls. I sent a message through a mutual friend that he needed to focus on his family. That was the last contact I initiated with XAP.

It took me a couple of weeks to let it really sink in the effects my actions had on the lives of the people around me. From the beginning DH wanted to save our marriage and when I thought about it, so did I.

For the first month my entire focus and attention was on DH. After two months, we started therapy in order to work on our communication.

A month after DD, I started to focus on the friends I had hurt. With my close friends and the ones I care about the most we've started down the road to build trust again.

I'm not going to lie. Its been hard. There are highs and lows.

Two months after DD XAP emailed me. I didn't want to email him back. That was a high moment. I was strong enough to not want to email him. I told my DH about the email who intern sent a him a text to leave us alone. Then told XAP's wife about the email.

Since then there has been no contact with XAP. I still hear a few things about him because of being in the same social circles but no contact from either side. Which is good for everyone.

Over the last two months, I've allowed myself to focus on me and the pain I have felt. Needless to say, this has led to a few emotional lows and some highs. Everything from missing the friendship with XAP to hating him. Although I am now at the point where I can say I don't hate him. I'm not even angry at him. I understood what his reasons were when it started and I knew who he was and what he was like when I made my choice to enter the A. I can't blame him for the A and the outcome because I hold just as much responsibility. I guess this is the acceptance stage...

I'm also not a fool. I know the story doesn't end here and there will continue to be highs and lows for a long time. It will take hard work and time to sort out the emotional baggage and to rebuild the relationships and the trust.

To everyone who had the courage to share their stories and to help others when they needed it, THANK YOU. Your messages, kind words and 'smacks' back into reality help more people than you will ever know.

To those who are struggling with NC and ending the A: you can do it. You are worth it. You deserve someone who will put you first. Love you and only you. Someone who would move heaven and earth before they would be willing to see in you in this kind of pain.

By breaking NC you say you are not worth those things. Stop focusing on XAP and focus on you. Ever time you choose to not contact XAP you choose to say I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT AND I DESERVE BETTER. Remember you are important.