**Thank You** feeling much more sane...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
**Thank You** feeling much more sane...
14
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 2:50pm

I've been lurking around here for a few weeks now off and on - and the change it's made in my attitude towards my A has been dramatic, to say the least. THANK YOU so much - all of you - for being brave enough to share your experiences and advice with each other. You have no idea how much you've helped me.

Just to give you a brief background. I've been in a mostly EA (physical too, but not as much so) for a little over 4 mos now - w/ someone I've been silently crazy about for over a year. I had no idea how quickly things could get out of hand - it was like someone opened the floodgates and all sorts of things I've never felt before came rushing out! Things have never been so amazing - or so terrible - for me all at once! I've tried to walk away before - but this time, I know it's the last time. I really want it to be over.

Between you guys, and the "My A" board -(I know you guys come check this board out sometimes too - so thanks to you all as well) - I've come to realize who the most important person in all of this is - and it's myself. And that realization has given me the strength to say "goodbye" and really mean it.

When you look at it that way, it's harder to rationalize staying in something that makes you feel more bad than good. I had a hard time ending it earlier b/c I thought I might be making a mistake - that perhaps we were meant to be together. I know that's what keeps a lot of us in these situations for years - we feel like that person is meant to be a part of our lives no matter what it takes. For some of you, that may be true - but for me, it can't be. Even if he and I are meant to be together - it's not now, and it's not like this. I can't continue to treat myself this way. I would NEVER let anyone else make me feel this bad - so the same thing goes for me. Without my self-respect, I have nothing to offer anyone else. Not even him - if our timing is ever better one day.

So, thanks again to all of you amazing women that have posted in here. I'm feeling a million times stronger because of you.

Granted - this does not rule out the chance of weak moments and nervous breakdowns down the road. A question for you ladies - those of you who have managed sucessful NC - How many times would you say, in a moment of weakness, you almost broke down and went back???? And what helps you stay focused?

Thanks again!!!
-C

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Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 4:15pm
You are a brave woman and it sounds to me like you have a firm handle on all of this. Be grateful that you were only in four months of madness instead of four years. It takes guts to put yourself first and to walk away knowing it is going to hurt.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 5:26pm

How long were you involved in your A?
I can't imagine it lasting years - I would have lost my mind (what's left of it anyway!!). The last 4 months have felt like an eternity to me.

I'm not as strong as I sound - I just have to play that part up to pull this off. I feel like an addict beginning a 12 step program or something - I have to try really hard not to lose focus.

Thanks for your kind words!
-C

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 6:01pm

Wow. What a good point you're making about "I've come to realize who the most important person in all of this is - and it's myself." and "When you look at it that way, it's harder to rationalize staying in something that makes you feel more bad than good." as well as "I can't continue to treat myself this way. I would NEVER let anyone else make me feel this bad - so the same thing goes for me. Without my self-respect, I have nothing to offer anyone else. Not even him - if our timing is ever better one day."

That is something I really needed to hear, and something I need to reflect on.

Thank you!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 6:10pm

C,

I have known him total four years off and on. It doesn't feel like that long though. In the beginning it was completely and totally a computer thing. Months before I met him in real life. We had long periods of not seeing eachother. It has been a rollercoaster for sure but in the end we truly and totally have respect and love for one another and that is one of the reasons I think now is a good time to say goodbye.

Jazzdiva

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 6:13pm
I wish I could find a coda 12 step program and use that to get over XOM. I am going to miss the companionship, the attention, the conversation, the laughter, the great sex and all those other things that I don't get from H. It really is so sad saying goodbye and ending all those things. But there is a big price to pay for all those things, my self respect. Noone talks about how mortifying it is when family and friends find out the truth. Being an adulteress is nothing to be proud of and not something that is easy to live down. So, so not worth it. Especially when you see it in print in court documents. My children mean too much to me to have them have an adulteress for a mother.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 6:37pm

Robertszookeeper-

I'm glad you found that helpful. It was really the only thing I could find that was strong enough to stick with. This may sound conceited, but I honestly think very highly of myself, and the sneaking around and the constantly checking my email and all those other horrible things that go along w/ A's made me feel pathetic. I would never act like that in a normal R, so even if the two of us were to have left our spouses one day (totally hypothetical) - I'd already be in a weakened position that doesn't demand enough respect. I'm completely in love with him - but I think the most important component of a good loving R is liking yourself (as generic as that sounds). So, I had to end it.

Good Luck with whatever you're going through! This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in a R.

-C

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 7:02pm

Shescomeundone-

Thats a good point you make - the 'adultress' part... That's a scary and sobering thought.

Four years is a long time. I can't even imagine how ingrained he must be in your life now. I guess I'm lucky I decided to get out so soon. What you said about now being a good time for you to get out - I think you're absolutely right. You'll miss him more if you're on good terms, but you'll feel less inclined to do a lot of 'goodbye' explaining and defending. Plus, he'll think even more highly of you when you're gone, because he'll know you're strong too.

You two met online?
I worked w/ mine - and still do a little, but I'm planning on changing that by the end of next week. I don't think I can take it. If I had to count how long I've been in love with him - w/out him knowing - it would be way longer... We would have been really good together in a different life. In this one, I feel like we're just selfish - and it's terrible that such great feelings have to end up like that. Another part of my reason for walking.

Good Luck!
-C

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 10:32pm

Yes, the relationship is ingrained by now but it isn't what it used to be. The craziness and obsession is pretty much overwith. Over the years I started relying on myself for happiness and less on XOM for my own validation. I started working out everyday and lost weight, I made new friends, I got alot of my self esteem back that I lost being in an abusive marriage. I got into therapy and it was one of the greatest gifts that I have ever given myself. I'm definitely not the person that I was four years ago even though I'm in the same marriage. I saw the ugly side of XOM and in the end loved him anyway. Not the obsessive, "if I don't marry him I'm going to die" kind of love but a real deep love that people have after they have been together for a while. Still, I'm not ready to be "his friend" and/or watch him go off and marry someone else while I throw rice at the happy couple. NO WAY! He says that I am his best friend and he wants to be able to tell me anyting and for us to be "confidantes". He wants me in his life forever but not in a romantic way. yeah okay, why not ask me to chop off my arm and feed it to hungry dogs. So sad, so very sad.

The word adulteress is so very ugly and conjures up all kinds of images. But in the end I am able to face reality and admit that that is what I am. I am not ready to get divorced for many important reasons and that is okay. What isn't okay is expecting this man to wait for me forever. Letting go sucks. But I can die knowing what it means to have loved unconditionally and to have received real love and passion back. It wasn't all for nothing.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 12:04am

so after a couple glasses of wine at dinner tonight, i find myself on this board instead of writing to xMM... that's a nice change. had to mention that.

it's amazing that you had the strength to leave someone who means so much to you, and has for so long. stories like yours are what inspired me to cut ties w/ my xMM now... while i still can. there's serious potential for this thing to get out of control (more so than it already is). we're entirely too good together. even our flaws clash well. we never spoke about leaving our H/W's for each other. i would never leave for anyone else though - only for myself - and i think he feels the same. but i could see us 5 years down the road in a more comfortable place with all this, and still in the A - and that's what i was ultimately afraid of.

i'm impressed that you left.
so, he's not married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 12:14am
ps. i just read your 'veteran' post.
wow.

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