**Thank You** feeling much more sane...
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| Sat, 12-04-2004 - 2:50pm |
I've been lurking around here for a few weeks now off and on - and the change it's made in my attitude towards my A has been dramatic, to say the least. THANK YOU so much - all of you - for being brave enough to share your experiences and advice with each other. You have no idea how much you've helped me.
Just to give you a brief background. I've been in a mostly EA (physical too, but not as much so) for a little over 4 mos now - w/ someone I've been silently crazy about for over a year. I had no idea how quickly things could get out of hand - it was like someone opened the floodgates and all sorts of things I've never felt before came rushing out! Things have never been so amazing - or so terrible - for me all at once! I've tried to walk away before - but this time, I know it's the last time. I really want it to be over.
Between you guys, and the "My A" board -(I know you guys come check this board out sometimes too - so thanks to you all as well) - I've come to realize who the most important person in all of this is - and it's myself. And that realization has given me the strength to say "goodbye" and really mean it.
When you look at it that way, it's harder to rationalize staying in something that makes you feel more bad than good. I had a hard time ending it earlier b/c I thought I might be making a mistake - that perhaps we were meant to be together. I know that's what keeps a lot of us in these situations for years - we feel like that person is meant to be a part of our lives no matter what it takes. For some of you, that may be true - but for me, it can't be. Even if he and I are meant to be together - it's not now, and it's not like this. I can't continue to treat myself this way. I would NEVER let anyone else make me feel this bad - so the same thing goes for me. Without my self-respect, I have nothing to offer anyone else. Not even him - if our timing is ever better one day.
So, thanks again to all of you amazing women that have posted in here. I'm feeling a million times stronger because of you.
Granted - this does not rule out the chance of weak moments and nervous breakdowns down the road. A question for you ladies - those of you who have managed sucessful NC - How many times would you say, in a moment of weakness, you almost broke down and went back???? And what helps you stay focused?
Thanks again!!!
-C

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Carolina ~
You sound like the kind of person who will bring
Carolina,
Please don't feel impressed. I am in the process of calling it quits forever, it doesn't mean that I wasn't checking my phone this morning to see if he texted me! You say that you are impressed that I left, but I really didn't leave by choice. HE is the one that left me because he realizes that he cannot be a man with honor and do this anymore...I guess he realizes that I haven't made any real steps in leaving my H. The thing that is causing me confusion is that he still wants me in his life. He sent me a text one night and it said something like "I need you to believe that i still love you"...I just want to understand why? Saying it is over means that it is over.
And no, he isn't married. This is going to sound weird but I don't think I could see a married man..LOL..its bad enough that I was married. Hell, I don't want my own husband why would I want someone elses? But seriously, he is single but in no way close to being able to remarry due to alot of financial problems and some serious issues that he has been working on this past year (with my help of course....soemtimes I feel more like a social worker).....
I woke up thinking about him and now the anger is setting in. In alot of ways I think he is being selfish by wanting me in his life still. It gives me a false hope. I'm just not going to contact him anymore and see what he does. He mentioned something about being in my area for business next week. Gee thanks, pass by if you're in the neighborhood...throw me a bone.
Now I"m going off on a tangent. Must be this coffee.
Jazzdiva
Thanks. It's not that he's treating me bad per se, but that I am treating myself poorly. I didn't have enough self-respect when I MET him to say "Look, you're involved with someone else. If you want me that much, end it and come to me freely." I've told my husband that part of me not wanting to stay with him is because I have always said I wouldn't stay with someone who cheated on me...that I feel I lost something of myself by staying...yet it goes much deeper than my husband to my own betrayal of myself.
The ONLY way I can see getting any of that part of me back is to end this A and concentrate on rebuilding my marriage. And rebuilding myself, with no more lies to myself about who I am.
Dr. Laura made a point in one of her books that "what you do IS who you are" or something to that effect. Well...right now I am an adulteress. I can either continue, or confess and repent AND SIN NO MORE! That's the key. There is more honesty in my broken and stuck on life-support marriage then there is in my relationship with this other man.
So again, thanks so much for your post! That has helped me tremendously through the night last night.
Someday - Thanks for the kind words and the welcome. Honestly, I feel like I could never have gotten to this place without any of you, so it's definitely mutual. Being around here makes me feel stronger - and that makes me act stronger. So, I'll be around for a while - until the weak voices in the back of my head go away... :)
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Undone - I feel like your situation is one of the hardest I've heard yet. And I'm still impressed - no matter what you say. It's MORE difficult to let go when it wasn't your idea to begin with. It makes you feel less in control of the situation, and that makes it harder to get into the right mindset to walk away. Just the fact that you've decided that you don't want to be in the place he's put you into makes you stronger. It will take time to get to an even better place than that - but I think you'll want it enough soon. And please don't take this the wrong way, because I know you love him - but he's not being fair to you at all. You know that.
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Zookeeper - You sound like you're on the right track, and you just needed to be reassured. You have a good sense of what YOU want, which is the most important thing you can focus on to get through this. Don't give yourself a hard time about not being strong enough in the beginning. I honestly think it gets harder and harder to have that outlook on it as more time passes - so if anything it makes you stronger now. (I like what you said about your marriage being on 'life-support'... at least you two care enough to still be there, even with a lot of work ahead of you)
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You guys are all great! Thanks so much for everything!
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