Thank You for the Support

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thank You for the Support
10
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 2:36pm
Thanks to all who replied to my post about ex-MM contacting me. Of course I haven't called him, and I don't intend to. I think I probably will send him an e-mail eventually, in a few days or weeks, when I'm good and ready, when I've had the time to compose whatever it is I want to say. It could well be our very last communication, so I want to be sure I get it just right.

When NC started, back in February, it began with anger. Perhaps this is our chance to end things on a more loving note.

He sent me two e-mails this morning, the first since February 3. I haven't responded to either one. They're both short. In the first one he says he misses me very much and thinks about me all the time. Well, gee, that's really great. But again, no mention of divorce or rethinking his marriage or anything. No mention of a marriage at all. He's acting like he's single, and he's NOT! I wonder if his wife knows he e-mailed me. I wonder what she would think if she knew he misses me very much and thinks about me all the time. I don't think that would melt her heart. I think it would make her murderous.

It really makes me kind of mad that this man thinks he can just waltz back into my life. Does he think I'm crazy? Didn't all the days, weeks, and months I spent crying mean anything to him? Two months of time away from each other is supposed to change everything? Hello?

I think you've got it absolutely right, GT, I think he needs to know what I will and will not accept. And I'm going to have to tell him, clearly and in no uncertain terms, one more time. I would be willing to try again with him, when he is free to have a relationship. A friendship is out of the question. Perhaps this is what he's trying for.

I see your point too, Crystal, but I do love this man, and our affair wasn't of the sneaking around variety, so there wasn't anything really ugly about it. If he were to divorce I would want a relationship with him. But you know what? That's an awfully big IF, isn't it?

1. "If I get divorced."

2. "When I get divorced."

3. "I am getting a divorce."

4 "We have filed for divorce."

5. "The divorce is final, and I am free to be with you."

The five sentences above are all extremely different, right? Which of them is a situation in which it would be ok to be involved with him again? This is a quiz!

Hope you're all having a great day. It's beautiful here in my part of the country. And it feels good to be free.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 3:00pm
I'm happy to hear your delightful strength shining so brightly! I'm going to flunk your quiz though! None of those sentences would be good enough for me. I know 2 couples, know them well, that divorced and remarried each other a second time! In one case the H had remarried and was having the affair with his ex-wife. When they got caught he divorced the new wife to remarry the ex-wife. They are still together making each other miserable. In the 2nd case they are again seperated and H wants the divorce this time. Both these couples are friends of mine but, I bring this up D because in my book he would have to say the divorce has been final for a minimum of 6 months! And that he's had no contact with her for a year! They don't have children if I'm correct? So,.....

I've always known that you have awesome strength! Keep going with it! What ever his trip is right at the moment is his trip! Let him feel free to have a nice one while you stand tall and proud of all you have accomplished!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 3:25pm
I am so happy to see the strength you have and how far you have come. You have only been about a week or two ahead of me and my biggest fear has just happened to you. I fear him contacting me now that I have made it this far. Now that I am smiling everyday and getting on with my life. Oh I feel the same way you do, I think I will love the man forever, he is my first true love and I miss him deaarly some days but I will never again allow that man to break my heart again and I am happy that you will not either. You are correct in your 5 statements being so different. Your xmm sounds like mine, very insecure and cowardly. He is the "if I get divorced" person and I would not go along with that so he is still married. He needs to make that decision on his own and be string enough to do it himself. If they are that insecure and cowardly then you do not want them and you do not want his friendship either because a friend would not treat you like that. I would send an email - and state just what you were saying and do not budge an inch and do not continue any contact after that email unless the man is divorced, living alone and free to be with you 100%. Is he much older than you? If you don't mind me asking. Take care and best wishes.

Lyssa
Avatar for iamdelightful
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 3:32pm
Thanks for your message, Lyssa. So now you know that if it does happen to you, and let's face it, it probably will, that you can have the strength to ignore it. That you don't have to jump up and down the moment you hear from him and run to the phone or run to the computer and start thinking of what to say in your e-mail. My attitude is "I'll respond when I'm good and ready. And I have no idea when I'll be good and ready."

He is older; I'm 40 and he's 54. But older in this case doesn't mean wiser, that's for sure! His wife is 61. They don't have any children. We discussed having a child when we were together, and he really liked the idea.

You sound like you're doing really well! Remember when we were both boo-hooing every day and feeling like our life was just over? We sure have come a long, long way, haven't we? Congrats to you.

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 4:36pm
You saved the best for last!!! Number 5 sweetie, that's your answer!

You keep on keepin on! I'm so very proud and happy for you. Life is going to hand you some wonderful things....more wonderful than you could ever imagine!

Hugs,

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 4:39pm
I guess we have come a long way haven't we? :) I am still unhappy about the way my A ended because we always had such a wonderful time together. The w finding out definitely showed me his true colors in the end and I let him say what he wanted and just let him dismiss my feelings without a word to say.

I guess what I am saying is that I have thought about leaving him a message telling him that I am angry at what he did and that I deserved more respect than that. Blah blah. My therapist said do it only if A. I do not want a reply from him B. I think it will definitely make me feel better and help to keep moving forward (I was doing well but hit this road~block of wondering why I did not express my anger at him) and C. TELL HIM NOT TO CALL BACK OR EVER.

Not sure why I feel the need to do this and do not want him thinking I am pining over him so I have not decided yet. I also think it might invite some contact from him and do not want that. His friend told me that he is still unhappy in his marriage but that he said that he was afraid of leaving her and then having me leave him and then him being the one to end up alone. COWARD - rather live unhappy than take a chance.

What do you think?

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 4:56pm
Can't speak for Iamdelightful Lyssa, but I think it is BULL CACA! :) I think you need to stop communicating with his friends too! You don't need to hear what is happening in his life. Who is to say his friend isn't telling you this nonsense so you will get back into the A once the dust settles with him at home? It is their pattern! I am in contact with some of the MM's family members and I never even ask about him anymore. My friendship with them is exactly that and has nothing to do with him.

The truth is his self esteem is so low because he doesn't even like himself. He was a selfish coward the minute he started an affair with you before he dealt with his bad marriage. Now ladies, I am speaking of her MM, not any of you...LOL. And if you really think about this, either they have no self esteem (faith in their ability to keep us) or they don't have much faith in your love...one of the two and probably both. Your therapist is right. Don't send your letter if you do it with an attitude of anything other than a final goodbye. Give it more time Lyssa. Eventually, you won't even sit and listen to one of his friends try to tell you about him, let alone be interested to know.

Considering all you have been through, it is in your best interest to make no further contact with that man. Remember what we talked about when it comes to harrassment? Please take that into consideration before you write and mail it.

Hugs,

GT

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-22-2003 - 7:02pm
Thanks GT - yes I do remember the harrassment conversation and I think you are right about listening to his friend. His friend actually had a lot to say to me and it really just depressed me because the reasons xmm stated to his friend for staying married were ridiculous (too long to list them now) and his friend went on to say how he thinks xmm would be better off with me etc...I think the reasons he stated were what prompted ,e to want to tell him how cowardly I think he is etc... So it did put me a few steps back. He also went on to say that I have not seen xmm around town because xmm's W does not let him go anywhere local anymore out of fear that he will run into me. I guess he likes the leash he's on because he has chosen to stay on it for many years. (ok - maybe that was mean). I guess it is time to refocus on me - I was letting myself go back down memory lane this week after really doing so well and I am feeling awfully down today.

Still I would like to tell him what a jerk I think he is - Maybe I will wait a year or two (LOL). Thanks again. That is the reason why I come here - you all offer strength when mine is depleting.

GT I hope all is well with you. I think it must be hard to maintain contact with his family and not have him brought up in conversation.

Take Care and thanks for being here.

Lyssa
Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 9:02am
Hey Lyssa. Don't you find it amazing how just talking about the MM with someone else can have such an effect on your mood? You see, this is why we always say no contact because it takes a good amount of time to get past the grief of accepting a relationship can't be. And it is best to walk through this thinking that way, even though you know if changes were made, you would probably do all you could to help and be there for him. The thing is you need someone to be strong for you too. And he can't be that. It was the toughest thing for me to let go of. You see, for me in a relationship I need a man who can be strong for me because most of the time, I have to be the strong one. It would be great to find someone who had the ability to be there for me to carry MY weight for a change or just be there for a shoulder if I need it. The MM is so wrapped up in his own problems that there is no way he could really be there for me. And as well he shouldn't be. He needs to attend to his own life and his marriage. As for communicating with his family, we email or talk on the phone and talk about our own lives. So there is no need to discuss him or his family. To be honest, it isn't tough at all. It is rather refreshing!

When you want to rant and rave about thinking he is a jerk, come here and do it. I don't believe in the long run you would really want to let him see your anger towards him. You could do it, meaning write the letter and tell him about all of the character flaws you see and call him a jerk, but when it is all said and done, I don't believe that is how you would like to end it with him. Eventually, even if not now, you will want to be able to look back on this time and enjoy the good memories, not feel remorse for jumping all over him after it ended. I also don't believe you want him to remember you in a negative way. By working through your anger here, you give his W no ammunition to cause you anymore grief and he will most likely never see you as he sees his W either. I'm sure she has done enough of putting him down. When I get angry and want to rip right through the MM with a letter, I usually ask God to remove my anger and I continue to pray for the MM and his family. After reading a lot of the posts by the married gals here, you have to know he needs your prayers.

I know anger is a natural part of grief, but when you get angry, try to turn it into forgiveness. It will make your heart lighter and you will have a much better day as a result.

Hugs to you.

GT

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 9:53am
Thanks GT, I needed that today. I am crying but it is good and you are right, that is exactly the ending I did not want. You are also right that he can't be here for me. It is hard when you give so much to someone and be the strong one and then when you need them you have to accept that they are gone and can't give it back. I guess that is why I am angry, angry that he is not here for me after I was for him and after all he said and all the promises he made. Angry that he never took the time in the end to sit down and talk to me about how he was feeling, what was going on and maybe what I felt about it. Angry that he never gave us a chance because he was afraid he would end up alone. Angry that he made me promise a thousand times over that I would be his friend no matter what happened and then tell me he could not be my friend. Angry that he could just shut-off his feelings and go about his life. Angry that he pursued a relationship with me and I let him. Angry that he did not respect me enough or was not strong enough to talk to me in the end and tell me these things.

Wow - it was good to get that out. Perhaps I can turn my last line into "I forgive him for not being strong enough..." but not right now. GT - I hope you find a man that is strong enough to be there for you - you deserve it. You are a strong lady with a big heart.

Enjoy your day. Thanks again for being here.

Lyssa

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 10:28am
Sweetie, forgiveness will come in time. Believe me, I know your anger all too well. You've seen my bouts with it on this board. I just believe it is best for us to express it here.

And while you are working through it, please never lose sight of the fact that God has the RIGHT person for us on his way. So we have to be willing to keep our eyes and ears open so we don't miss him when he shows up!

Hugs to you - I know you don't see it right now, but you are the winner in this. Not the MM and his W from the sound of things.

GT