Thanks For Everyone On This Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Thanks For Everyone On This Board
6
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:58am

Now that I have decided, all of the anguish is over. Once I accepted the XMM had decided and did not chose me, I let it go and I feel so much peace and no more torment over XMM. All of the advice I got on here really helped to get me to this point. People do move past this. I had to decide in my heart that I would not end up with XMM. Once I admitted it to myself the drama was over. It dosen't really matter if XMM is lying or just used me, he chose his family and I chose mine, and now I need to stick with that decision and make it work. I just wanted to thank everyone who has been so great and supported me through all of this.

After telling DH last weekend I wasn't sure what would happen, but it has been amazing. He was in shock for several days, and I wasn't sure if we would stay married or not. Then I had to go on a business trip for the last two days, when I got to the hotel my H had sent me flowers!!!!!! I should be doing anything he asks but instead he is sending me flowers saying he still loves me. I feel so unworthy. We have decided to work on our M and become best friends like we used to be! We are seeing a mc this weekend.

At the same time talked to XMM who was prob more worried if my H was going to kill him or tell his W, then how I felt. I finally don't care what is happening with him, or how he feels, or even how he feels about me. I hope he is happy and does the right thing from now on. (serious doubts) I told him I had to let him go today, and he thanked me for releasing him, saying it made him feel free to do what he had to, too. He said he could not really move on because I had a hold on him. He also told me how his wife had begun asking questions. Interesting timing. Is it just because he always tries to say things that he thinks are what I want to hear? Oh well not judging and not obsessing just observing the way I would with anyone I knew.

Finally I feel like I am the person I used to know. I feel a direction in my life again. I am ready to get into life and make it happen. You can all get past this. Be true to yourself. Wishing you all the best.....kc

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:37am

jstmekc,

I just wanted to tell you that I'm happy for you. You seem at peace with it and that's really what all of us want in the end - to be at peace with the outcome.

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:21pm
WIP-I haven't seen you post anything in a while and I was wondering how you are doing? Is the ic helping and are you OK with things?.....kc
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 12:28pm

AWESOME KC!!!!! I'm so happy that you have found the peace letting go of the EMA can provide! :)

I wish you and your H MUCH happiness - he sounds like a keeper and really willing to try and find his way back to what you two are capable of! :)

Don't forget us - you are a great encouragement to those of us still struggling from time to time!

XOXO

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 4:24pm

Hi KC,

WOW! Reading your story was like reading exactly what has happened to me.

I am sure you read my story too. I also told my H about my A last week. I am not sure I would have come clean if xMM ended it differently (he dumped me thru a vm), but maybe this was my ONLY way out from the A. xMM wanted to remain friends, but I told him NO! What for??? So, that he can toy me around some more.

My H has been so understanding, that I never thought he would forgive me. I mean, I risked my whole life and M for telling him because he could have left me in an instant. But he chose not to. He said his love for me is stronger than him hurting.

As a matter of fact, last night H has said something to me that touched my heart. He looked at me and said "I feel like I am falling in love with you all over again."

I know I was USED by xMM and I am stupid for letting him do that to me. I could have stopped all 6x we tried to end it, but I couldn't. Whether it was the addiction, or I truly fell in love with him, but I just couldn't end the A with xMM. So, finally he did, the coward way I might add.

H is still VERY afraid that one day xMM will contact me and then I will fall back into his arms.

H has said the same things to me as yours, that he loves me even more now. I know it sounds weird, I mean I betrayed him completely, but he said he can't imagine his life without me and that we are only human and we all make mistakes.

H has asked me about a million questions about xMM. Sometimes I feel terrible telling H about what I did with xMM, but H said he wants to know. He said I am hurting as well from the way xMM hurt me and I need to let it out and since we have no one else to talk to about this, we listen to each other's thoughts.

My xMM is such a coward, he will rather ignore me than to face the facts. When xMM's W caught us in January I was concerned about his situation and I called him up. Would he do the same for me now? HECK NO! He's so self-centered and has his head in the sand. He's going on with his life like nothing happened.

I know how my xMM feels....NOTHING! He has an empty hole where his heart is supposed to be. I am angry at xMM for the way he treated me after ALL that we went thru. I saved HIS M when I stood in front of his W and lied to her face, because xMM wanted me to lie to her, so I told her that xMM and I are only "friends".

The wound is still fresh for me. Today I was filled with anger towards xMM. I still think about how he's able to just move on with HIS life like nothing happened. I don't understand that! I don't understand how men can just block out any emotions they have and not have guilt about what they have done to another person's life.

I hope I can get to the point where xMM will just be a thing of the past. Right now I am still VERY much hurt.

Thanks for listening.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 4:34pm

jstmekc,

Thanks for asking. Yes, I'm okay with things. In fact, I'm 100% better than I was one month ago (although still not "cured").

T is helping me A LOT. It's so crystal clear to my T (and me) why I was doing this and allowed it to go on for so long. It would take me a long time to write it all out but I'm sure the story line isn't that much different than some other folk's here.

I didn't get much from my father in terms of attachment, attention, stability, you name it... and I'm seeking it out in xMM. The inconsistent attention he provided (xMM would dish out very positive things, and then nothing, then positive things, then nothing) - well, that had me hooked like a laboratory mouse seeking instant gratification. There are some other things but so much detail since it was 9 years.

The bottom line is that I made a list of everything xMM was giving to me (emotionally) and now the next (and hardest) steps are to re-funnel those needs back through myself and H to some extent - or get rid of the need as much as possible (the need for praise).

Luckily, the last 4 years of the A have been rocky (we also took a 3 year break during that) and I think I was sort of out-growing it anyway... but let it hang on since I'd given my heart and the control away so long ago. I am only dealing with ending it now because the amount of positive things has decreased in the last 6 months and the amt of "nothing" or pain has surpassed it, forcing me to make the change and get out.

How do I feel about H? I love him and he's wonderful to me. I haven't been giving him the chance he deserves. My T has mostly been helping deal with the "here and now" but she said we will get to H shortly (I've only had 3 appts - and a lot has been accomplished). As I told xMM during our "ending it" conversation: "My marriage will be great if I can just get you out of it" (one last jab).

How do I feel about xMM? I still miss him - at times deeply - and hope it lessens with time. It is very difficult to work with him (as you know) and not keep driving for that attention. When I talk to him his voice is soft and warm but I haven't give in. It's been about 3-4 weeks of LC (where all conversations are strictly work). I think he'd like to resume "talking" etc but he won't let his pride do it which is good. That doesn't mean that when I have to go on business travel with him that he won't try for anything physical though. My T has given me hope that it won't be a matter of willpower by that point - I won't want to.

So that's my 'short' answer to your question of how I'm doing. I'd say "much better"!

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 7:20pm

KC

>"and I chose mine, and now I need to stick with that decision and make it work."<

MUSIC TO MY EYES/EARS.

Blessings on your efforts with your husband to get to being "BEST FRIENDS" again, may all your efforts be rewarded with love and joy in your marriage.

Free