Thanks for sharing
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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:16pm |
I’m also amazed at the similarities between us. It’s almost as if we had an affair with the same man. He was manipulative — maybe not intentionally — but he was affectionate when it suited him, loyal when it met his needs and attentive when I was right in front of his face. Otherwise, it seemed that I was never a priority. Unacknowledged birthdays, the lack of gifts and the inability to call/e-mail when promised is only the beginning.
I feel that I spent hours, wasted hours, of my life wondering what he was thinking or doing, choosing the perfect outfit that would compliment my eyes so he would compliment my eyes, and sitting at the computer hoping for an e-mail or to see him online.
I’m thinking about him today, his birthday also is fast approaching, but I’ve promised myself not to waste my time anymore. Instead I play the IF … THEN game.
IF I want to be with a man who promised to love me until the day he dies THEN I belong with my husband.
IF I want to make love to a man who will hold me all night long, and kiss me awake THEN my husband is the man for me.
IF I want to be with a man who will hold my hand for hours and hours of hard labor and delivery, and cry because he can’t make it easier for me, THEN my husband is the only man I need.
IF I want a man who will send sweet notes/cards/e-mail for absolutely no reason other than he’s happy to have me in his life, THEN my husband is my destiny.
IF I want to be with my husband forever, THEN I must never see the xMM again.
I cannot say that the pain or longing for my xMM is gone. In fact, some days it seems almost unbearable. So I play my game, read your posts and get through the day.
Keep writing — I’m so glad you are out there.

As the saying goes " YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY BABY", keep on going your on the right road.
Free
I can add a few...
IF I want to be true to my Christian faith, THEN I cannot engage in an A.
IF I want to have any self-respect, THEN I must never contact exMM again and let him lead me down the same hurtful path.
IF I want to be there for my H, friends and family, THEN I must never contact exMM again. The time I spent wasting on our relationship was time I could've given to the people who really love me.
IF I want to have children and be a good role model, THEN I must honor my M and H and free myself from the burden of my A.
I do have friends who know of my A, and they've been supportive of my healing. But they don't understand exactly how I feel...which I why I spend so much time here, listening to those who do.
Shel, like you, I still care for my exMM. I still wonder how he's doing. I wonder if he still cares for me and misses me. And for the first couple weeks after he left, I might have taken him back if he'd changed his mind.
I thank God that he did not...because its been such a blessing to have my life back. Its been hard-fought, and still not completely normal, but so worthwhile to feel like "myself" again. To know I am no longer cheating and lying and betraying. To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cringe. To not feel that crushing guilt. Yes there were things I still miss about the A...but they are so not worth the pain it caused at the same time.
I hope you'll continue to share here, posts like yours help me harden my resolve to stick to NC and move on with my life!