Thanks & Starting Over

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thanks & Starting Over
3
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:59am
So, I needed a big kick in butt from my earlier post, and I thank everyone who gave it to me. I appreciate everyone's feedback. It's so true - I have allowed this thing to continue (even though we say it is over). I find myself enjoying the fact that xOM still wants me, even though I should be angry and disgusted that it is just for sex. Truth be told, I have thought, "Well, maybe we could just sleep together - maybe old feelings would come back and we could pick up things where we left off." Of course a part of me misses him and misses what we had. But I know how lucky I am to have my H. I know I can no longer risk our M for this A.

xOM and I spoke briefly yesterday. He got another call and told me to hold on. I waited a few minutes then hung up. Why should I wait? Then I got angry. I called him back (he didn't answer) and left a VM that basically said, "You have NO respect for me. I'm tired of you calling me only when you want something. It needs to end now. Please don't come to my show next week and please don't call me again - ever." Half an hour later my phone rang. I didn't pick up and he didn't leave a message. Then he called back 5 minutes later...so I shut my phone off. This time he left a message saying that the person that called was a friend of his from Boston and they hadn't talked in awhile, and by the time he clicked back over, I had already hung up, blah blah blah. He ended the VM by saying, "Well, I'm going to bed, gotta start my new job tomorrow, so I'll talk to you later".

No more. He truly does not respect me even the slightest bit. He thinks I'm a drama queen and will just do as he wishes...and up until today, he was probably right. I think it was Posie who said I probably would end up sleeping with him again - and I just may have. But not now. I can no longer allow him to control me. I deserve better - hell, I HAVE better!!

Saturday will only be an issue if I allow it to be. I know he will be at the show, but I intend to change clothes quickly and hopefully get out of there before he can talk to me. He knows the bars I go to, so I called my friend and told her I wanted to take her to a few 'new' places for her bday (that way he can't just show up wherever I am). To avoid the 2am call (that I'm sure I'll get) I am going to shut my cell phone off and give H my friend's cell # in case he needs to get a hold of me.

I'm taking back control of my life starting today!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 11:33am
Hey Diva! Inspiring post: "Saturday will only be an issue if I allow it to be." Woohoo! It sounds like the bells are ringing and the lights are flashing on and off for you. So glad to hear it. Keep it up! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 11:59am
I thought the fellow posters were a little harsh on you but I guess you needed it. I have not contacted my xow for 1 week. It was very difficult not to call her or e-mail her. I broke up with her because I thought things between us were to complicated. I applaud you for taking a stand. I hate to say it but 6 weeks ago I broke up with the ow and then called her and continued to see her until up to a week ago. She filled in the gaps in my marriage and my life. It is very difficult for me to spend 10 months telling someone my inner most feelings and thoughts, making passionate love and just doing everything together to just cutting them out of my life totally. I sympathize with you. YOu were holding on to what you use to have with your om but it is no longer there. HE may be holding on to what you had. Offering to just be friends or just have sex is his way of keeping in contact with you. I have offered the same so i didn't have to say goodbye. I don't think your VM to him is actually going to end it. Don't answer the phone, don't call him, don't e-mail or text message him. I wouln't even go out to the bars unless your H would go with you. I am finding the more I do with my w the less I feel for the xom. Today I acutally e-mailed my w and told her I missed her. I did. It felt good. I know I'm not going to have the passion and desire I had with the ow but I do have love, stability, security and 2 wonderful kids to raise. I finally realized my affair was going no where so why continue it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:58pm
Thanks so much for your post Bear. I thought everyone was a little harsh on me too, but no more harsh than I have been on myself. I look in the mirror everyday and say, "What the hell am I doing? Why am I letting someone else take control of my life?"

It's very hard - I know what you mean. I was only in my A for 4 months, but those 4 months were so passionate and loving. It's hard to just walk away from all that. Sometimes I can't even remember what my life was like before I met XOM. He consumed so much of my time while we were together, and even now that we are apart.

I have been holding on - why, I don't know. Maybe he is too. And obviously my VM did nothing, and I'm sure he'll be at the show Saturday night. I say I'll be strong, and I am going to work hard all week long to make sure I am, but I know that night will be a turning point for me. I have to make the right decision.

I am so glad to see that you and W are moving past the A. Congratulations for taking control over your life. Your support and progress are an inspiration to me.

Diva