thankyou IP for ur Kind words!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
thankyou IP for ur Kind words!
1
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 11:14am
IP

its nice to know that im not the only one going though this. I never actually thought i would fall so hard for him! Especialy being married and with children. Like you, I would sooo not want to be married to him! He is very different with me than with his gf. But im sure that would change if we ever decided to pursue any kind of relationship. So I dont even WANT to go there with him! So what is my problem??? If I dont want him, why is it so difficult?? Also like you, i am so much more emotionaly involved than him, well as far as i can tell i am. I know he loves me, but not like i love him. We have been though so much and i need him in my life, and if i was a stroger person, just to be friends and onnly friends again. I know if i ust told him that, he would respect my wishes. But a huge part of me just doesnt want to do that!!! I feel so out out of control right now and i hate that! any words of encouragment on nc? i really think its worth a shot but dont know if i can! and imm just being honest! My marriage is nnot the best right now. I am only 21 yrs old and we got maried 2 years ago and been 2gether 4 yrs. Our children are 3 1/2 and 2 1/2..so we really rushed into this. Im very lucky to hae him stick around and he loves me so much. maybe this gives you some more perspective. What kind of relationship did you have with ur om? was it emotional or mostly physical? or on/off? im really just trying to figure this out. forgive me for being so nosey! again, thankyou for sharing your story!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 3:14pm
Hi,

I think in most cases us women are more emotionally involved and for the guys, it is more about the physical part and about ego. This was how it wwas in my A, and from everything I have read at these boards, it is generally true.

Try to concentrate on your marriage and on making yourself a better person. Your OM is not helping make you a better person. He is occupying your mind and your time which could be tt better spent with your family. If you feel as if he doesn't have as strong of feelings for you as you have for him, then you are probably right, and why waste your time with him.

If you know you wouldn't want to be married to him, let it go!! It isn't worth risking your family's happiness.

If your marriage does not make it, don't let it be because of this OM whom you know you wouldn't want to be married to anyway.

I know more than one person who has gotten divorced becuase of an A, to be with their OM thinking it is love, and I swear to you, all the cases I know have ended badly.

Listen to the advice Free gave you. She has helped me tremendously over the past months. As I posted before, I am keeping her posting to you as a reminder to myself for the times I may get weak. I do think that NC is the only truly successful way to end an A. My ex OM has a good chance at another job and is very possibly leaving my office within a month. I know this will make it so much easier for me if it happens. Sounds like you are not in a situation to have to see your OM in a work or social setting if you don't have to, so do the NC. Free is right in that when we are in these A's a chemical reaction goes on in our bodies. I think yours is not love, but that attraction, that biochemical thing with someone you feel very comfortable with. Just my opinion.

Hang in there and as I said before, keep busy and try NC.

IP