is their friendship after?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
is their friendship after?
6
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:18am
Hi,

A little background from me, I have been married for 13 years with 3 kids, MM is a neighbor with 3 kids- we are all friends, he does business with my H and our kids are together all the time. He and I have been involved for about 6 months. Although we have never had IC, we have done just about everything else for each other (physically speaking).

A couple of weeks ago he told me that we couldn't actually have s#x because he doesn't want to ruin the incredible friendship he and I have for a few moments of physical pleasure. He and I have become very close, we connect on so many different levels. I think that I was the one pushing the physical because that was less scary than the friendship aspect of this relationship. Needless to say I have been having a very hard time with this- I am so attracted to him- I can't just turn that off. This past week we had a discussion and he told me that absolutely nothing has changed between us, we just don't have the physical. But everything has changed- you don't just cross that line and then go back- or can you?

So my question is can you still maintain a friendship after something like this? He calls me all the time to talk about nothing in particular, he sees me at the kids activities and says "are we ok? is everything alright with us?" It's like he is trying to keep me close in a way that makes him not feel guilty. And when he flirts with me, before it was exciting and fun, now it just makes me feel empty.

I don't want this to turn into some awful ugly thing between us. I do value having him in my life, even just as a friend. I told him on Friday that I thought we both ultimately want the same thing from each other (i.e. a friendship) but that he was going to have to bear with me. I need to sort out my feelings for him and about myself.

So thanks for listening, and if anyone has an answer. . . Can we still find a way to be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:48am
no strings~

You've asked the million dollar question and one that I think NO ONE can really answer.

Your situation is almost EXACTLY like mine, but we are not neighbors and we did have IC just once in Novemeber. But the same things your MM said, mine did too. I felt the way you did....how do you go back to being "just friends" I couldn't make the transition so I decided to go NC and let him know why...and he agreed. Its very, very painful...but the days seem to be getting better.

I felt I fell in love with my exMM. How does one suddenly look at that person and think "oh, ok....I feel like I love you, but we'll just be friends". I *TRIED* that for months...and I only caused myself more misery because I fooled myself by believing I didn't have these intense feelings for him, when I did. I also think, that while he liked me, the chemistry, the short lived IC....it was not where he wanted to go, and wasn't worth the risks. So I feel like such an a** these days....thinking "did I just make up all this stuff that went on between us? Was there really anything other than my desire to go there??" I dunno anymore...but I'm *trying* not to fixate on it.

Only you know if you can get there....but I believe in the end, if one feels more strongly then the other, its disasterous. The one who loves the least, yields the most power. And any power imbalance in a relationship is NOT good.

Good luck...read the archives.....post often.

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 1:28pm
Hello, I have to be honest, I was not going to reply to this post until I read the reply and It

just could not have been said better.

The one who loves the least......

Its so true. In my opinion there is no way to have a friendship once you have crossed any

time IC or not. Not to mention the consequences if your husband or his wife found out

with you being neighbors and kids playing together?

Seriously, I have been there and done that, probably the biggest mistake of my life. Do not

go there. Get out while you can and find out what is causing you to stray from your own

marriage and kids.

I promise, you are playing a very risky game.

I deal with XMM contacting me here and there and I know it is to some how “just know

there may be another option” and it is really hard. NC is VERY hard to do but the only

thing that works. I can not imagine being “friends” with my XMM, I remember a

conversation long ago about us just being “friends” and it felt like a big slap in my face.

Im not very good at posting and expressing my feelings, but I just want you to know that

when I read your post it really hit close to home......be careful, but I feel your pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:15pm
dharma-

Thank you for your response. Wow everything you are saying sounds like you pulled it right out of my head. I do believe that his feelings for me are sincere, and that they scared him to death. Mostly I think that because he put the brakes on it, although it doesn't lessen the severity of what we did do. I think now he thinks we can just pretend it never happened and that is how we can go back to where we were. He told me the other day that if we couldn't do that, then we were never really friends to begin with. That felt a little manipulative to me.

NC is not really an option, our lives are totally intertwined with kids, spouses, and business. And truthfully I am not willing to do that (not yet at least). I would like to be able to look back on this and smile at some point- we did share something that won't ever change. He said to me that he hopes we will be close friends for the next 20 years and this few months is just a tiny part of that. Although it doesn't seem very small or insignificant right now. I've never done anything like this before- it's a pretty major event in my life lessons!

So for now, I am going to respect where he is coming from and concentrate on taking care of me. Maybe if I am stronger, we can be friends. But that is going to take some time.

The two people who I have confided in about this both say he is an emotional cripple, controlling of my emotions, and that I should run for my life. That's so easy when you've never walked down this road. I'm glad I have found a place where I can hear and talk to people who know how conflicting all these feelings really are.

Also I have to tell you I love your icon. In November for my birthday I had a yin yang tattooed on my ankle. It represents my journey in life to find balance between being a mother and a woman. Everyday when I look at it I remind myself not to forget me on this journey. Advise that I really need to heed right now!!!

No Strings

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 4:02pm
If my husband was getting oral sex from the woman next door but then decided to stay friends with her I think I would have a problem with that , wouldn't you? There are many that may disagree with me but I think it would be an inappropriate relationship. The fact that you are so physically attracted to eachother just sets you up to fail at keeping the relationship platonic. Even if you decide you want to stay friends, then what are the parameters of that friendship? Sending emails, having lunch? Making faces to eachother over the fence in the yard? You think because you aren't having intercourse that you aren't doing anything wrong? Think about it.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:11pm
I had an emotional affair for several years but it officially ended nearly five months ago...NC will be five months soon...I am starting to feel alive again after being afraid, excited, jubiliant, guilty, and sometimes, just plain depressed. It's good to be off the roller coaster finally...it has been a tough haul, let me tell you. I don't recall much of the first two months of NC, it was so black...if it weren't for a dear friend, I don't know if I would have made it...I'd probably still be in contact with this man who nearly ruined my life.

The A partner is like the sun...you look at it head on or stay in that light too long and you just end up burned, ya know? It feels so good while you're there but you don't realize how toxic it is until later.

Can you be just friends? From my side of the fence, it's too painful/uncomfortable after you've crossed the line...best thing would be to get out while you can still save yourself and your marriage...from your description, this will be the biggest hurdle since you are neighbors after all...but you must take steps toward putting considerable distance between you and this man.

You could start by spending more time with your h. Lavish some of that attention on him...and let your neighbor know in no uncertain terms, you've decided to turn your m around. Turning back to my h was the wisest choice I could have made.

I tried to be friends with my OMM but we ended up playing head games...very hurtful...I think he was so scared of how he felt about me, he used his w to make me jealous. I ran, literally...I did not want to go there. Believe me, you want to avoid the games stage. Doesn't leave either of you with much dignity. And your spouses may begin to suspect...

It's my belief that affairs feel like true love because of the secrecy, which makes all the emotions so much more intense...you are attracted to him but the attraction may be masking itself as true love...women need to convince themselves it's true love so they can justify intense lust.

There's a book called Sexual Detours that may help you enormously...your local library should have it...affairs are often about you more than the other person. There is some need unfulfilled.

Lastly, I hope you'll forgive my bluntness but these questions helped me through a very difficult time ending my emotional affair: Ask yourself if this man is worth the price you will pay if you get caught...you have 3 children...how will you be their role model if you cannot honor your commitment to their father? How will you face your family, friends and community? Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:36pm
No Strings~

A little more....I think that most of us who actively or suddenly "fall" into an affair (IS there such a thing???) believe at one point our feelings our sincere, but in retrospect we are trying to put patches on a marriage gone awry. There is something LACKING within the marriage to prompt these feelings--lack of intimacy, sex or worse (in my case, abuse). We *think* the other person holds the key to our happiness, but the truth of the matter is....happiness comes from within; no one can give you what you are lacking and if you are lacking, no one can fix that but YOU.

I have a good friend who ACTIVELY sought an affair, is still in one and is VERY HAPPY and satisfied with it because her marriage lacked "passion" and she wanted to do something for herself (and she knew it was selfish, but yet it was hers). As for me, I *feel* like I fell in love the first time I met him--it was sudden and unintentional and TOTALLY caught me off guard. I can't say I really believed in the in whole concept of "love at first sight"...but it happened to me, and I still don't know what to think about it. What I have LEARNED, though, is that I have some SERIOUS stuff to work within myself and I am actively engaging in that process right now, which is very difficult. Doing self introspection is very painful at times. But back to my example....at one point, I thought my friend was whacked---I was being judgemental at one point thinking "how could she do this and still profess to love her husband and NOT want to leave her marriage????" but yet, here I was engaging in the same thing. Was it any better because mine wasn't planned? No...the fact is...it was still an affair.

My exMM was in a better place than I was and I think he was more capable of being friends than I was (maybe its a penis thing)...but he was older, too, and a little more set in his ways and happier with himself as a person. BUT, he settled in his marriage, too. Its kind of like the Bridges of Madison County.....Francesca stayed because her marriage provided her more than the other man could. My exMM is friends with his wife...but they were never lovers. They got pregnant young and they married, right as exMM was coming out of his first marriage (he got his 1st wife pregnant when he was 19, divorced at 20, in the same situation at 23). One year turns into 25 years. She's a housewife with no career options....and as he said the marriage "wasn't that bad". Bad enough to fall into this quasi-affair with me...to entertain the thoughts, to have some excitement...but never to leave. I don't feel used because from the beginning he was clear with me that it was FRIENDS ONLY...but I couldn't help but cross and blur the lines. I think I gave him the "passion" (not sexual, just passionate about things in general) that is lacking in his wife and his marriage. He once told me he wished he had met me about 4 years prior...when he was deciding whether or not to end his marriage, but decided to stick it out and he plans on keeping to that. AND, we both valued integrity...really...and we talked and struggled about it, A LOT. I never really told him how I felt, but I'm sure it was quite obvious. He never spoke of how he really felt--but alluded to them, but always stopped himself. I just wonder how ANYONE survives a marriage knowing that this other person is NOT what you want...and you are stuck with this person for the rest of your life. BUT, it was his choice...and I believe he made the right one--the one that was best for him.

As the days go on, and I try NOT to obsess about him or what he is feeling...I still believe that he came into my life for a reason. He has helped me in countless ways, to which I will be forever indebted to him. I just can't help but question God "why? why now at this junction in my life would You allow me to experience this--when nothing really could be done?" I think, at times, that God was having a bad day and decided to play a cruel joke on me (LOL). But then I think I should not be questioning, and just accepting, learning and moving on.

My advice...DO NOT SHARE ANY PERSONAL INFORMATION...that's how the whole emotional part begins. Don't complain about the spouse to him, don't let him complain about his spouse to you....don't share your dreams, goals, passions with him. If you do, before you know it you'll be sucked into the thinking "aah, he UNDERSTANDS me, he GETS me...unlike my h". Its too dangerous of a tightrope to walk...and one without a net. And BELIEVE ME, the crash hurts. Gosh, does it hurt. Keep your conversations limited to formalities. It may make you seem cold, but too bad.

Something has broken down in your marriage.....take a seriously long look at it. Look within, too. Somewhere there is a key and you have it...you just have to find it. Try marriage counseling, Retrouvaille, individual counseling, meditating, yoga....anything to help you and your husband get back to where you once were. The benefits, I hear, are enormous.

Best of luck.

Hugs

dharma

ps...I got a yin/yang tattoo encapsulated in a sunflower on my back 7 years ago...its really cool! LOL.