Therapist Really Gave it to me. . .
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| Fri, 04-16-2004 - 6:43pm |
I have never told my H about my own A and i struggle with the hyprocisy of that daily. I promised XMM i never would. What do i owe him now? except NOTHING! But i continue to not tell, because it would become painfully obvious that myH knows--he might heve contact him--and then suddenly, mty XMM's W and two children get involved and hurt.
I do think my obession with all of this has to end. I miss the days where there was so much less drama and thinking. I often think that by my coming to this board--i only try to relieve the A, over and over and over again.
Well guess what! The A is OVER AND IT HAS BEEN FOR A LONG TIME. I have not heard from XMM in ten days. I see him at Little League-we don't talk. We don't ackowledge one another. My H says: what's the deal. Doesn't talk to you anymore? Little League ends in early summer-i leave for europe immeidately after, and then i am done, done, done.
The words my therapist said basically gave my husband carte blanche OKness about his A. Imagine all of that. Not a word from H either since this horrible T appt. this morning.
i JUST SIMPLY THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH.
I DID NOT ASK FOR ANY OF THIS! I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS WEAK AND CONFUSED XMM to chase and pursue me the way he did! I have tried for years to improve my realtionship wtih H. I JUST SO MUCH want to tell XMM that his selfishness coupled with my vulnerability has created such a mess for me that i live thru still every single day. he has moved on. his precious family is in tact. his w did not have an affair. he did not become depressed like i have. i cannot tell you how much i hate that all of this happened. and i think, sometimes, especially after today, that i will crawl back into the little hole where i have lived in this M for the last 13 years and just not need or want anything from anyone any more!
I will calm down in time. I just think i have reached the end. If i don't post here for a while it's because i need a break from all of it. IT'S OVER. IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON.
Clarice

It sounds like your still not takeing responsbility for your actions and role in your marriage or the affair, you spent half your post blameing everyone else.
I don't mean to beat on you or hurt your feelings, but you should listen to your therapist your paying him to tell you the truth now it's time to get your moneys worth.
By the way PITY PARTYS like the one your haveing don't help trust me I tried them.
Free
I too am sorry that you had a rough day! Here are a couple of thoughts for you:
"What do i owe him now? except NOTHING!" and you are right. You owe him nothing and yourself everything!! You owe yourself to feel free and happy again with much less drama in your life and eventually it will come. Unless of course you are like me and look for ways to create some drama but I digress so...let me continue.
You are right. Coming to this board is a way of reliving it and rehasing it. This also I believe is a bit of an "obsession" if I may. But I also believe in the short time that I have been here it helps to vent, vocalize, help others and learn and see that we are not alone in our fight for normalcy. And you know what if you feel you need to take a break from it all well then that is cool too. Do what is right for your head and your heart.
As for your therapist (sorry F) I think he sounded like a bit of a jerk!! Affirming that it was ok for your H to have an A based on your actions. My response would have been "screw you" - but then again I am a bit of a hot head and I also dont sit in all your T sessions. I also dont believe that the word of the T is gospel.
As for XMM dont be so sure his life is in tact, that he is not depressed and affected. I would bet my right arm that he is pretty miserable too. Remember men are much better at hiding their feelings than women are.
Whatever you decide I hope you feel beter...it has to get better. xo!
If your H was so terribly miserable in your marriage, why did he not do the right thing and ask you for a divorce? I'm sorry, but I would advise you to seek out a new therapist! Marriage is a 50/50 proposition and you alone are not responsible for ALL THE PROBLEMS!
BTW, if your therapist doesn't know about your rebound affair, I certainly wouldn't tell him! Doing so will only give him more ammunition to bury you alive instead of working on resolving your H's 50% of the problems that led him to his affair in the first place!
Hang in there. Forgive yourself. Do NO CONTACT with MM and things will start to change for you!
Clarice, I know I haven't been around a lot or posted much when I have been able to check in. But, I caught this post and had to put in my $.02. When I told Sean about your T, he said, "It's a male therapist, isn't it?" Pretty intuitive, isn't he?
I do have much to consider and will update you all in time.
Clarice.
I don't think the T was saying it was ok for the husband to have a affair, but he was saying that Clarice contributed to it happening by the things she said and did, In another post Clarice confermed this when she said that her EA drove him to it.
As someone once said regardless of how flat you beat the pancake it still has two sides, and we all have to own are side of the cake (responsabilities) and deal with it if we want to move forward in life with out repeating the same mistakes over and over again. JMHO
Free
You aren't on this board to relive the Affair. You are here because you are hurting and confused and frustrated. Yes, the affair is over. HOWEVER, you are living in the aftermath of a tumultuous emotional time. Dust your butt off and make some decisions. You want to stay married? Then resign yourself to the fact that you have to stay married to a man that doesn't sleep with you and has had an affair. You want to get divorced? Then go to an attorney and tell your husband to pack his bags. Just do something besides torture yourself or subject yourself to the ramblings of an overeducated overpaid moronic therapist that is telling you that it is no wonder your H had an affair.
Jazzdiva
As you can see, i am not totally ready to leave the board yet--but i do think i am getting closer. I feel certain shifts occuring within me--and a sense of peace that what has happened is done; and it's time to move on.
I'll let you know what i decide and thank you for your continued support.
Clarice
You're going to be okay clarice. You sound stronger every passing day.
Jazzdiva