Is there ever a good time to start NC if you are still on good terms?
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Is there ever a good time to start NC if you are still on good terms?
| Sat, 06-04-2011 - 5:40am |
Yesterday I posted my story for the first time - I am new here and this is my story.
I have had some big realisations in the last couple of days, and have decided that AP and I cannot be friends, as much as we would like to be. I sent him an email yesterday,

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Hi. You are right, there is never a good time to start NC. There is no escaping the pain of ending the A, no matter how long you take to do it. My xap and I said our goodbyes so many times and each time was hard. The last time was the hardest, however, as this time I meant it. My xap was also happy for me to make the decision and yes, part of me thinks he was relieved it was finally over. We parted on good terms and I am at least glad for that.
I understand what you are saying about wanting to be there for him and how you don't want to make it worse for him but you also need to do what is best for you. You have some big decisions to make regarding your marriage and you can't make them while in the fog of the affair. You need a clear head and when you are still having contact with your ap, it is too hard to know if you are making the right choices. I am entering into my third week of NC and even though I have decided to recommit to my M (we had a d-day so my H is aware of where I am at), I still am struggling to feel anything but a deep friendship for my H. But I am not fooled by that as I know I have invested so much of myself emotionally into my xap, it is going to take a while before I feel I can emotionally reinvest into my H. He is prepared that it may take a while and is cautious that things may still not end the way he would like.
I know this may not be the answer you want to hear. We give ourselves lots of excuses and reasons on why we should hold on that little bit longer, but truly, if you are to move forward and start healing then you just have to bite the bullet and go NC now. It will be painful and it will seem impossible but you can do it if you are determined. And you don't have to do it alone. Post as often as you need to so as to get the support you need to help you through it.
I did it! I decided I was always going to be able to find an excuse to not do it, and I didn't want to keep on dragging out the goodbye.
I feel somewhat relieved, but also sick to my stomach. But, I am proud of myself for being so strong, and I know now that I have made my peace with goodbye. I know it is going to be incredibly hard for a long time, but I know I am doing it for the right reasons, and I know this forum will give me the strength I need when I am feeling weak and lonely.
Read as much as you can in the healing library and post often. We are all here with you.
Kat
WIA,
Wow!
You did it!
I think it takes more courage to put and end to things while on good terms.
Glad to see you ended it. When I began reading this thread I worried that it was going to be the protracted list of the reasons and justifications why it couldn't end now.
As someone who ended A on good terms too (unfortunatley after my d-day but no animosity between xAP and myself) it does have its challenges as Dee said. But people who have ended due to anger find that it does fade and that they have to rely on their inner strength not the the anger to feed recovery. Emotions are all transitory things, not permanent. Remember that because some moments you will be numb, then gut-wrenching sadness, then pride, and on and on down the whole list. Something I remind myself is that emotions will come, but they only stay if I indulge and wallow in them. I still have moments of sadness, but the only last days without break if i allow them to.
Now that you've told him your NC you need to block all avenues of communication. Yes now he is respecting but many people can tell stories of the painful and difficult fishing attempts. Also blocking makes it harder for you to fish when the feelings hurt.
Kudos again for ending, now you can start the work on you.
Thank you so much for your replies. :smileyhappy: It is so wonderufl that I can go through this with all of you, and I don't have to worry about being judged. Its so nice to have your compassion and understanding.
Well, I did send my last email today. I just wanted to make sure I have said everything that I needed to say.
I have been experiencing so many emotions: sadness, relief, panic, regret, happiness, pride, strength, etc. On one hand I know I am strong enough to do this, but on the other hand I can't see how I can do this!
But, at the end of the day, I believe in the reasons why I did it, and I know if I can just keep focussing on those, then I will do this.
WhoAmI - Those emotions you are feeling are absolutely normal. Just remember, the emotions we feed are the ones that win.
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