Is there more ?
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| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:15am |
Then 2 days later, I begin to wonder if I had made the right decision, for the right reason. I felt that I needed so much more from a relationship, than what ex-MM had to offer. I knew what I wanted and he wasn't it. Well, it's been almost two months, since I ended it with him. Now, I'm just wondering if my expectations are too high. If, I'll ever meet "Mr. Right". I've been married twice, and each time I ended it, thinking that it had to be more. My last marriage ended simply because I wanted to be with ex-MM. Even though the marriage was horrible, I was married to a trifling, lazy bum, I would have endured it, if I had not loved ex-MM so much.
I'm scared that I'm going to end up a lonely, old woman. That I'll never get married again. That I'll never find anyone to love me, or to love in return.
Did I make a mistake?

A few months back I read the Dr. Laura book "Twelve Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives." In there it described how sometimes us women have what I'll call issues. Things about us that exist whether we really know about them or not. We have the ability to twist those issues around to make it somehow appear that it really is the man who has the issues. We in turn get very upset with that man, fight, argue, leave, divorce, whatever. Then on we go merrily on to the next relationship carrying along with us those exact same issues, but blamed on the ex.
I guess until we sort out our own issues (and I have no idea what they may be for myself or anybody else for that matter) we might never get past them. You indicate you always thought there was more. Have you pinpointed what "more" you are looking for? I found myself saying this same thing yet I couldn't really say what exactly it was I thought I was missing. Surely everybody else must be having way more fun than me. LOL
elf
Edited 4/29/2004 1:36 pm ET ET by dementedelf
It wasn't until about 2 days ago, that I really found out what issues I had with ex-MM. That issue was "deception". The act of leading me to think one thing when it was totally opposite. Not telling a lie, but not giving you the truth, a mixture of both that will give him a favorable outcome. Never really knowing what he is thinking, what he wants. Him not being honest enough with me to give me "whole truth". Not letting me be a part of his life. Always being in the dark.
I want someone that will work "with" me. I want to own a home, take family vacations, be a family. And, I know that it takes work to have all those. If you dont have the material things, it's OK. Because we have each other. I want a relationship that is so rich with love, that we could make it through any situation. That's what I tried to have with ex-MM. I poured out my soul to him, and got nothing in return.
That's what "more" is to me.
I understand you perfectly. The "more" you describe is everything I have always looked for but what I add to the "more" for me is having a connection that is only between the two parties. A connection with a language all it's own. Just a look or gesture and you know, without words what the other is feeling, thinking, etc. A spiritual bond that only soulmates share ( I believe in soulmates). I truly believe that me and my MM had/have that, which makes this so very painful for me. I found my other half but it came at a price.
Deception sounds funny when it comes to an A, since that is what an A is surrounded by, if you know what I mean. My MM was always up front and honest in telling me that he has no timetable for when he will leave his W, which in the end indicated to me that he had no intention of ever leaving. I want that "more" so bad I could feel it, taste it, and I know that I won't find in another what I found in my relationship with my MM. So, for now I would rather be alone.
MidnightBlue
Maybe, ex-MM realizes what part he played in our seperation. When we last talked he certainly said all the right things. But, I think his issues are so deeply routed, that it would take God to fix them. I have issues too. I'm willing to work on those issues, I have to, to get to the next phase of life.
Lonliness is such a sad affair. Midnight, how can you want to be alone? I hate the lonliness, it drives me crazy. What I wouldn't do to have ex-MM hold me in his arms again, to feel safe, to feel wanted, to love him so much that it hurts, to have him hold my hand, to see his smiling face, to have a conversation without talking, all this is part of the "more". Only for ex-MM it obviously wasn't what he wanted. But, I want that again, with someone that can handle that deep connection that only lovers share.
I would/could never choose lonliness over having "more". Not even for a moment.
secretluver,
Don't get me wrong, I don't LIKE being alone, nor do I really want to be. I just feel very emotionally spent that right now I only have energy for me and my children. I have given so very much to my 10 year relationship with my now exH and at the same time for the last 3 1/2 years, my MM.
What I mean by prefering to be alone is that I know myself and the next person to come along I feel bad for because I know that I will ALWAYS be comparing him to my exMM. I have NEVER had what I shared with my exMM. Plus, right now I don't want to experience that with another, all I want is to spend the rest of my life with him.
What I would do to hold him, for him to hold me, to hear my name from his mouth (He is the only person EVER that I allowed to call me by my full name and not a shortened version because anyone else who would call me by my full name was usually mad at me)....to be able to smell his scent and have it linger on my jacket or shirt, to have him sing to me again, and all the intimate, little things that are still so fresh in my mind and heart...I would do anything to have that for the rest of my life. If only I was the number one priority which would move him to leave his W, but I'm not and that is something I have to learn to accept.
MidnightBlue
After all I love both of my children unconditionally. Why do I always have such high expectations of my relationships. People are people we are all of us incapable of knowing what its like to be someone else. Mistakes are made in relationships and we get disenchanted with the direction they go.
I agree with MidnightBlue. I am just alone because: I feel like I already blew my chance at my sole mate :( and how could I start another relationship when I am still not over her.
I can see my new line now....
I am not really over my ex but how would you like to be my rebound relationship?
-B