There's LOVE, and there's TOXIC LOVE....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
There's LOVE, and there's TOXIC LOVE....
8
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:56am




To Everyone,


I found this on another board and I wanted to share it with you. And remember,"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"


Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney


True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Unfortunately the type of love most of us learned about as children is in fact an addiction, a form of toxic love. "I can't smile without you," "I can't live without you," "Someday my prince/princess will come" are not healthy messages. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love

Love: Development of self first priority. Toxic love: Obsession with relationship.
Love: Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love: Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love - may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness.
Love: Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love: Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
Love: Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. Toxic love: Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
Love: Appropriate Trust (trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love: Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
Love: Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love: Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
Love: Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love: Trying to change other to own image.
Love: Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love: Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
Love: Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love: Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
Love: Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) Toxic love: Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
Love: Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love: Pressure around sex due to fear, insecurity & need for immediate gratification.
Love: Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love: Unable to endure separation; clinging.
Love: Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love: Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is very wrong.


I send you love and strength,







~True~


 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Wow! What an eye-opener. Thank you, as always. I saw so many things that were characteristic of my relationship with OM in the "toxic love" category (on my part) as well as my husband's actions and attitude toward me. My question is, how do I fix the "toxic" nature of my marriage? I think we need serious counseling!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004

Love the post, I agree that A def. falls into toxic catagory.

How about "love" between H and W (like my marriage) that despite counceling, and effort over the last 2 years (before affair)failed to yeild anything but a roomate situation. He has very, very little interest in sex, never has,says he never will. All testing in the world came back normal...he just plain could care less about intimacy/physical pleasure.(his words, before the A) After the A, H said he understands my needs and is willing to compromise. I can't live with a man who needs to "compromise" to be intimate with me.

Am I selfish? I love H, but would like more than a roomate for an H.

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004

Hope,


I can totally understand your pain when dealing with lack of intimacy from a partner. It's lonely and frustrating and most of the time you feel like something is wrong with you. My first marriage was like this. It became too painful for me and I eventually divorced him but sweetie, cheating on him had never even crossed my mind back then.


<<<

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004

True

Don't let fear get in your way when it comes to carving out the life you so desperately desire.

Deperate, yes, that is what I was/am to setttle for an affair. My plan is to move on with my life with my children and carve out a life I can be content with. I am scared, terrified actually. The A was just another destraction to kill the pain of the decision I made 8 years ago to marry my H, who deep down, I knew was the best guy I ever dated, but most likely would bore me to tears. Counceling will help me realize my own goals and if a man fits into that somewhere after my divorce than so be it. But not until I am healed and ready for a healthy relationship.

Thanks True

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Bumping up
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
b\u
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004

Thanks Free for bumping this up.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
b/u