These are NOT good ideas...
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| Wed, 09-01-2004 - 2:11pm |
So Sunday evening I just returned from taking my kids to see the American Idol tour, got them in bed, and happened to notice a text message on my phone. It was XMM, just shouting out to say, "I still think about you." So of course I shot one back saying "me too." That led to about 15 minutes of text conversation, and before I knew it I was sitting on my back deck at midnight, chainsmoking cigarettes, and getting ready to think that XMM and I could be friends. Maybe even meet for lunch or dinner soon. Sure, a harmless little lunch or dinner, or even just coffee, between friends. No harm there, right????? Ya huh????? At that point, sanity returned and I sent a message saying that I had an early morning on Monday, and goodnight. Then I pried the cell phone from my hands and went to bed, where I tossed and turned for at least another hour.
Can I tell you all that he hasn't left my thoughts since??????
I'm so frustrated. I've been very happy rebuilding my marriage. DH and I are doing great, which is just further evidence to me that the A was never really about DH OR XMM. It was all about ME, and I'm just a very confused person who thrives (I repeat, THRIVES) on chaos, drama and making trouble. I always want to be somewhere I have no business being (driving by XMM's house, for example) with someone I have no business being with. Fortunately, I'm working very hard to keep myself centered and focus on what's really motivating me to think about XMM these days, and realizing that just because I have a thought DOESN'T mean I have to act on it. In other words, I'm not going to invite him out for lunch the day my kids go back to school and I have some free time...
Just needed to vent this. XMM and I ended our A about six months ago and I'm overall very happy about that. It just blows my mind that he can intrude, out of the blue, to let me know he's still thinking about me, and I lose all control. Bottom line, I have alot of difficulty being satisfied with your average life. I need/like/want all kinds of excitement and I just need to keep myself in check.
I'll be hanging out with you all for awhile...Sadly, I think I'm STILL in the right place. Thanks for listening. Love, Mo.


xo,
K.
You hit the nail right on the head AFFAIRS ARE ALWAYS ABOUT "ME" there not about DH, OM it's about ME getting waht I need/Want and I will ignore the price to all concerned as long as possible.
Free
Thanks