Things that make you go hmmmmm.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Things that make you go hmmmmm.....
9
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 2:36pm
Something happened the other day that made me want to give all just a friendly reminder to be cautious about reading and posting.
The other day my 15 yr. old daughter told me that she made a new email address for herself. I asked her what it was and she said, "cowgirlup". I felt like a bolt of lightning went through me. I sometimes leave my computer on and while I don't think I've left the EA page up, she could have scrolled through my tool bar.
OR, it could just be a coincidence. My daughter's and I often use the term "cowgirl up" (meaning chin up or buck up). But it does have me thinking and wondering if she may have saw that I was posting here. The though of my daughter ever finding out has left me with a horrible feeling in my stomach. BTW, when my older daughter was in Jr. high, she found a way into my email and found out about the A. It was horrible and I will never forgive myself for putting her through that, something I will live with for the rest of my life.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 4:16pm
Oh girl, I just got ice through my veins. What an awful thing to happen! thanks for reminding others with older children what can happen.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 7:49pm

Hello Cowgirl

It has been awhile since you posted, I have been out of the board for awhile myself just trying to get myself together, sometimes looking thru these posts depressed me alot more than the norm. I am doing much much better and have been spending alot of time with hubby and daughters. I hae a similiar situation my 16 year old daughter I beleive got access to my e-mail as well and though she has not said anything to me I do beleive that weeks before my affair ended she saw his e-mails and deleted them from my files. How did your daughter gain access to your account and how did you deal with her?

Ladybug

Glad your doing better....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 8:10pm

Hi there LB,
At the time, we were new to the Internet and I didn't know that my read mail could be accessed without me having to be online. I have since put a password on it so that it cannot be accessed.
This is what happened. I noticed that my daughter was very upset and crying a lot. She would not tell me what it was but I suspected that she knew something because I could tell that she (or someone else) had been going through my dresser drawers. One day I got a email from XMM and he had forwarded a email that she had sent him! It said something about "I thought I should get to know you since you and my Mom seem to be such good friends". OH MAAAN! He did not reply to her and I sat her down and told her that I had met this man online but nothing had happened between us. She had actually printed out the emails and read them to me. They contained information to the contrary of what I had told her. I can't remember what defense I came up with but I know she didn't believe me.

A few years later it came up with her again and she started crying. I told her that I had told H about it and that we worked things out (that was true). I know she still remembers it, how can she not? but we have a very close relationship....thank God she doesn't hate me! My Mom left my Dad for another man when I was 14 and I hated my Mom for it for a very long time, I wouldn't even go to her wedding. Anyway, long story I know but there you have it.
You may want to think of a way to approach your daughter about it without actually coming out with it. Maybe tell her that some things have been deleted from your email and ask her if she knows anything about it. If you know your daughter as well as I know mine, her reaction will tell all. Take care, glad to hear from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 8:31am

First, all I want to say here is that I am not replying to judge anyone. I myself had several toxic relationships in my younger years.


With that said, I would like to say that both of your posts (and for all the women out there) who are having/had affairs, the occurance of teenage children who are uncovering their parents cyber advertures has become a very serious issue. I've had to counsel many teens who are now dealing with anger/hostility/trust issues after discovering their parent(s) indescretions. It usually manifests when they start dating, and the most commonly overt signals are verbal abuse, promiscuity, anger toward authority figures, and depression.


I would advise counseling for your child if you KNOW for certain they have discovered your affair. If not so sure, I would suggest watching out for the above behaviors in your child. Just be aware that the repercussions may not manifest for several years. Right now they are repressing that initial pain of discovering dishonesty, after they have been raised to always tell the truth. Their emotions are undergoing severe conflictions as the rug of trust has been pulled out from under them.


Sunny (Prof: School psychologist)


Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 8:53am
When I was 17, I too, discovered my mother's A by checking her e-mail. I was devastated, traumatized, and embarrassed by what I read. I even had the opportunity to read about how my mother was planning a cruise with her OP, while my dad and I went to Disney World (she told him and I she was going with her sister). Needless to say, it impacted me more than I would like to admit. If you have seen one of my few posts before, sure enough, less than 8 years later, I became involved with a MM. While I do not blame her for my actions, I clearly had a mentality that affairs were fine, everyone had them, then just went on with their lives. Not so. I still have anger towards my mother about it to this day, even though my parents are still together. A betrayal towards one's spouse is a betrayal to the WHOLE family. I would suggest talking with your daughter and assuring her that it's over--anything to do damage control. If my mom had done that, I might have been able to let go of same of the anger I felt towards her. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 5:00pm
Wow. My 8 year old still remembers "Daddy's Friend So-and-So who wanted Daddy to have a sleepover but didn't want me to come!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 5:26pm
Sun,
I do appreciate your input. I know first hand how it feels when a teen age daughter discovers an A. As I posted, my Mom left my Dad for OM when I was 14. I found out about the A before she left and I knew of several other occasions where she had one night stands.
My daughter read my mail when she was about 13 and she is now 20. She knows that her father and I went through a rough time and that we worked things out. She also knows that I told her father about what ever it was that had been going on. That's all she needs to know. I have no intention of giving her any details or bringing it up again. She is always safe coming to me with anything that is on her mind and if this is something she needs to talk to me about, she knows she can approach me. We are extremely close and I believe that if she had anger towards me I would see signs of it which I do not.
This whole subject is very sobering. I often think of how I would feel if any of my family members were to find out about XMM. Lord how it would NOT have been worth it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 10:07pm
Sunny,
Well my children are adults, while my oldest my daughter was understanding that I fell in love with MM my sons were not. I'm very down in the dumps tonight, well I have been a long time now. 18 months ago my oldest son found out I was seeing this man and shut me out of his life even though I was legally separated from my husband (still am). My middle son and I speak now but its strained. I ask to see his son (3 yrs old) tonight but he never returned my call. He lives next door so that makes it twice as hard.6 weeks ago
youngest son was living with me, his GF and her children. I needed the financial help. Girls its a bad day when your children come down on you. We had a big argument, I threw them out and told him to never come back. That was after he said things to me I wont ever as long as I live get past. My son called me a whore. I don't consider my self a whore I was/am totally in love with my ex-MM. My life (I'm 45) was devoted to my children. I was a mother first. I gave my whole life I feel to raise my children well and taught them values. My kids turned on me after they saw me live many yrs with their fathers abuse. He was physically abusive. Last Decenber 23 we were separated but he came to my house and beat me to the point of physicians thinking I was bleeding on the brain. My children didn't one time worry about me. I had to drive myself to the hospital and I could barely see (blurred and Dbl vision). The one person who came to me was my MM. He worried all the time back then about me, he called the minute he heard it on police scanner. I was still on the phone with 911. I'm fine today physically. I spend last Christmas alone, beaten down to the point I couldnt function. I guess I'm about to repeat it. Now I don't have MM either. I gave my whole world up for a man that I love. He walked away from me. He still says give him time but I'm not I lost hope and faith in him.My question Sunny is how can we dedicate our whole lives to our children and they walk away and dont care if we are alive or dead? I am in the process of selling my home and disappearing off the face of the earth to anyone I ever knew, my ex-M, my ex-H, my children. 18 months af=go my ex H told me he would drive this children away from me. He did. Right now in my middle sons house next door the ex H is living there. Why we jepordize our whole lives for these men I will never know.I'm having a pity party tonight. But I can't imagine ever turning my back on my mother, I never did, and what I would give to have her with me today. I'm leaving the area in less than a month and changing ever number I have and not leaving a fowarduing address. How do we get so low that we lose everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 9:06am

(((JRS)))


Your family IS seriously broken. The only hope you may have for reconciliation is to try and get your children to go to family therapy with you. All of these pent up hostilities and anger needs to be addressed, but only under

Sunny