things to share from my T session today

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
things to share from my T session today
9
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 5:36am

I have just spent some time reading all of the recent posts on here after coming home from my seventh IC session since dday. There are so many thoughts and feelings from you all that I can relate to and that I am experiencing at the moment, from the incredible pain and depression to the anxiety, grief and anger. I thought I would share some things my wonderful IC (Olivia) gave me today in relation to what I needed to talk about during the session, but I think a lot of the stuff could be useful particularly for some newbies.

My NC (23 days today) was ‘rocked’ last Friday night when I received a voicemail message from xAP – we cannot block numbers where I live. My husband and I listened to the message and it was basically xAP telling me, with reserved anger, that he ‘was now homeless and his marriage was finished’. Thanks, so needed to hear that. I felt some initial anger after the call, but it unfortunately then sent me wallowing and depressed for the next few days. My IC asked me some questions regarding the call…1. How did it make me feel? 2. How did we deal with it? But more importantly, 3. Did I gain anything positive from the message/call? Obviously I couldn’t say yes to that at all, and it made me realize how any contact at all can affect our healing process if we let it. So for those ‘secretly hoping’ to hear from their xAP after NC is in place, remember that it might not be in a way that you hoped for, and it can set you back so much if we don’t put the work in to not let it.

I talked with Olivia about how I am so tired and sick of xAP being in my head so much, and how it affects the way I feel. I know it causes me to not work on myself, and stops my self reflection and healing, in addition to thinking about RL stuff and my H and M. She suggested I invoke ‘thought stopping’ strategies. If I’m at home or in the car, I need to say or even shout “STOP” “THAT’S ENOUGH!!” “NO MORE”. And then I need to go and do a completely different activity. She even said that flicking a rubber band on your wrist when thoughts of xAP keep coming up is good to use too.

I know that along with many others on the board at the moment, I am struggling with wanting to contact xAP…just to hear his voice, just to talk with him about the last couple of months, explain this, ask that etc etc. But I need to think about the CONSEQUENCES if I did that…how it would make my H feel (he’s already rightly expressed that we could be finished if I did that), and how that could then go on to affect my children, and equally importantly, how it would affect ME and my healing process. All the work I have already put in, all the pain I have already gone through that I won’t have to go through again if I don’t have contact with him. And what would I gain from contacting him anyway? Both short AND long term?

When I am struggling, when I feel that I can’t deal with this whole horrible and traumatic event, when the depression is so so bad (and even when it isn’t), Olivia suggested a mantra…”I CAN DO THIS!” Tell myself over and over, “I CAN do this…” “I CAN do this!!” I’ve even put it on a note on my bathroom mirror, along with some other thoughts and sayings that are helping me right now.

I expressed concern to Olivia that even though I’m 3+ weeks NC, I STILL have so much pain, depression, roller coaster emotions, crying episodes etc etc. She said this is SO NORMAL, I am experiencing grief over the ending of a 1+ year intimate relationship which is bound to take a while to get over. And due to the ‘distance’ of NC time (ie. The longer we don’t have contact), it may stay this way for a bit before it starts dissipating. But it WILL start going away eventually. And I believe that. I will take care of myself in the meantime. Olivia said that it’s better to not ‘fight’ all these emotions, not beat myself up over the grief (sometimes difficult as my H’s patience is wearing thin!) but just know it’s normal, it’s ok and it will get easier as time goes on.

And the main thing is to do things that help us move forward each day, even if it’s just with baby steps. My thing is to continuously and consistently work on my M, work on learning how to REALLY give and receive unconditional love with my H of 17 years – something I’ve withheld for so very long due to issues going back to my teenage years and which I’ve been working on since beginning IC. Lots of introspection, self-reflection and seeking of peace. For me…and if I sometimes take a step back, that’s ok cos I’ll deal with it, using the skills and tools I’ve been learning along my journey.

P.S. Sorry for this post being so long. Hope it helps someone ☺

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 12:38pm
Hi bestrong,
Your post helps me today, so thank-you.You words on feeling the emotions and the grief and it being normal hit home today. It was a "booster shot" in my healing; my T told me it is normal to grieve, but to realize this loss is a "necessary loss" to forward progress in moving on. So thanks for the reminder.
Maybe I can offer some support to you. You only have to read your own words to know the consequences and why it is not going to make you feel better to break NC. I am 8 wks NC today(after 9yrs in an ON/OFF oh so typical A) and although 8wks is really not a long time I can tell you it has gotten better and I am grateful every day that I have stayed away this time. Triggers are a shot to the gut, but the pain subsides quicker with each added day.
So focus on you and your H and try those strategies your T suggested - trust me they do help. I'll add on: every night no matter how low I feel I walk in the house with a smile and tell my husband I love him with a hug and a kiss. Hang in there and keep smiling!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 3:08pm

seemeclearly

Thanks heaps for that :) it's so great that we all support each other when we can. I am definitely having to 'dig deep' at the moment so I will be using my strategies to do that!

8 weeks is a wonderful accomplishment, you should be so proud of yourself! I will be 4 weeks this coming Monday and I actually find that hard to believe - it seems to have flown but wow...the work my H and I are having to do is endless. I love your words regarding walking in with a smile, hug and kiss. I'm working on all that stuff too with my H, and it's amazing how sometimes when you don't feel like doing or feeling something you can actually change the way you are feeling by your actions.

Not long now and you will be a tweener! That's awesome :)

Take care seemeclearly xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 3:24pm

BS2010!! You're therapist is nicking all her best material from this board!! ha. Must say, all that, and MORE, all here. Isn't it funny how we need to hear it seven times in seven different ways before it gets through?!! For reals.

I'm happy you found a good therapist! Now, send Iddy a check for $150 and you're good.

:)!!
xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 3:37pm

Dee~


<>


Thanks for the laugh. Seriously...um no, I mean seriously laughing! :) Just think, if I held out my little yellow hat and you'all put $150 in it, I could retire early and just think,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 5:56pm

dee-

I know I know...it's almost like the 'same old same old' thing isn't it??!! I've read all the stuff before in a myriad of different ways, but yes, we're like little toddlers aren't we??! Need to have our hand smacked away from the power point several times before we really get it!!

But seriously, my T is wonderful and even though at times I've felt like I did all the talking (isn't it great to be the centre of attention for a whole hour??!!) I know that at the same time she is empowering me to work on my inner self, digging deep for the strength I know I need to get through this.

Iddy - the $150 is in the mail!! Although, it'll be coming from the other side of the world so it may take a while :))

dee - I'd love to hear what you've been doing this week to empower yourself to get through the days following your seeing xAP and your dinner party. Your inner strength must be endless, and it's great to hear you back a little happier and possibly a little more resilient than you were last week :)

xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 6:20pm

BS2010-
I am faking it until I make it. I'm not a super hero, I just got through a tough week. There will be more, I'm sure, and I'm just glad I can come here to cry, vent, rejoice and share. We all have our moments of triumph and moments of challenge.... Sometimes, I'm happy; I'll help y'all up. Sometimes, I'm down; y'all help me up.

Blessings BS.
xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 6:43pm

I hear what you're saying - sometimes our heart may be breaking on the inside, or we're on the verge of tears at any given moment but we keep going and 'fake it till we make it'. Cos then one day we'll wake up and think "wow! I feel OKAY today!!" Even if it's for half the day, it may be better than how we felt the day before :)

And I know what you mean dee about getting support when we need it, and giving support when we are in the right place to give it. Up until two days ago I've needed so much support, but yesterday afternoon and today I've been feeling a little stronger and I have a degree of clarity that has let me provide support for others. And I'll keep doing that until the shoe goes on the other foot again!

Lots of love dee, and I'm envious you living in SCalif. Sounds so lovely! Where I live we are in the midst of Summer...too warm to sleep some nights and kids coming home from school off the bus grumpy, tired and hot!! My new golden retriever puppy is right now flopped in the middle of his paddle pool outside - now hasn't he been good therapy for me!!

xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 3:27am

Bestrong,

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for taking the time to share. It's the middle of the night and after another nightmare, I finally got up to read this board and hopefully gain some strength to get through tonight and tomorrow. Yours was the first post I read and it really hit home that this horrible pit-of-stomach nauseous pain and depression may be here for awhile, and that's ok. It also makes me realize that I need outside therapy to help resolve so many issues and feelings.

This hurts SO much - I want to call him, hear his voice, reach out...though doing so will only make me hurt more because I know I will not get in return what I am looking for or need. No contact is truly the only way. I finally saw this revelation Tues evening. It is the ONLY way.

Thank you, again, for your post. It really helped someone who desperately feels so alone in the mess I created.

Misty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2010
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 3:41am

misty

Believe me, you are NOT alone in this mess. We are all here going through the same pain, feeling the same emotions and I'm so glad that I was able to give you some little bit of hope to get through your night and into the next day.

Take care my friend, dig deep for that inner strength you know is in there and you're right...you won't get from him what you're hoping to hear. And it will only add much more pain. Remember No Contact = No New Hurts (NC = NNH)

xxx