Thinkin too much

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thinkin too much
8
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 6:36pm
While I'm at home and out with my friends I seem to do okay with the NC with XMM. He has not tried to contact me in a long while now. I'm glad but I'm not. The time I spend at work is the hardest cause that's where he always called me a hundred times a day. Everyday while battling this NC I anticipate the phone ringing and it will be him. I'm telling myself it's all part of my healing and getting past this. Cause after all this affair stuff is just like an addiction and like other addictions, the cure doesn't come over night and it just doesn't go away as fast as we would like.

I chose to end the affair and I told him that while I am in my marriage I can't continue the affair. Am I happy in my marriage? No not always,(you know, the every day hum drum of married life), but still it's not my nature to do this. Hopefully he has decided to finally not come back into my life like so many times before. My gut tells me he still has feelings but because he will not benefit from me for sex, he just will give up on bothering himself with me anymore. That's fine cause now I can try to get on with my life.

Sometimes I feel like I'm mad at myself more than anything, for getting involved with him. And realistically I can't get mad at him for pursuing me or trying so hard like he did to keep me in his life cause in his eyes it's okay to do this, he sees no wrong in it at all.

Maybe by now he has moved on to another. He hasn't had any cooperation out of me for sex in almost 2 years so, he could have very well be choosing another candidate. Who knows... It really doesn't matter I guess.

I'd love to be able to get inside of a man's brain and understand why this happens, what they think and why they seem to handle it and not get so emotional like alot of women do.

Today I made it thru another day at work without a phone call. Good for me.

Please tell me that my heart will heal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening. Thanks for being there!!!!!!!!!

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 7:05pm

"I'd love to be able to get inside of a man's brain and understand why this happens, what they think and why they seem to handle it and not get so emotional like alot of women do. "


Seems to my male perspective on life that being a woman is complicated enough, so why try getting into a man's brain? We're wired different. Sometimes it comes down to a "rules is rules" mentality and perspective. There are a lot of woman-based thought processes and reactions that I as a male simply cannot understand, so I merely accept that there is a difference and respect it. Try it yourself in reverse.


If I didn't merely accept the differences, I'd drive myself nuts trying to put a square peg in a round hole....and I don't mean to diminish or in anyway demean the differences between the sexes, just observing from my limited male brain.......LOL


AS for the addiction you had, i.e., the affair and its secret life and thrills and spills....boring or mundane is how your marriage may be at this time, yet I remind you of another one of the "rules is rules":


Husbands want their wives happy. When the wife is happy the husband's life moves along smoothly. If there's a little too much "mundane", wife makes make some suggestions. Take some action. Men get fearful of failing their partner. And the downward sprial goes from there. Ask for something different. Send the kids off to gramma's and have a "something for a something" night. Get the little head thinking on your husband and oila, end of mundane....


The affair was an escape from the hum drum. And a bunch of other things. Address the underlying humdrum and other things, REALLY settle the reasons you gave yourself for permission to stray

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 9:39pm
HI TCOM

Your heart will heal no question about it, the day will come and sooner then you think when you will not give XMM a second thought or a first one for that matter, because he just won't matter anymore.

I takes to two be hum drum, what are you doing about it if you don't like it.

Be well

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 10:39pm
Hi Free........I say my marriage is hum drum becuase my husband is not a social person. He would be content sitting home most of the time, where as I am a very social person and I enjoy going out with my friends and having fun. I am focusing on my husband more that I did for a while tho. I make an effort to sit with him and talk or try and watch tv. (Not so much my thing) but I will do it. I re-assure myself that I am using my energy on my husband in a positive way instead of using it up on XMM. (Thinking about him all the time). I'm getting there. I do love my husband, it's just that we have been married almost 23 years and porbably just like other couples, We hit a stale zone in our relationship.

I know in time everything will be okay again!!!

Thanks for listening!!

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 10:47pm
Thanks for your reply........Your words of encouragement and positive re-enforcement always mean alot to me. I know in time things between my husband and me will be okay. We like other couples married for a very long time, just hit a stale spot in our relationship.

I believe everything happens for a reason and maybe all the events of my affair was really to open my eyes to see that I have a good man at home that GIVES me real love and not a man that TELLS me he loves me, and wants my love for his benefit only.

Thanks again!!

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 11:25am
Hi TCOM -

I can relate to your story very much.

I haven't officially ended my A (although we never had full blown sex), I've

thought about ending it a lot the past two days.

I found out on Monday that I had a lump in my breast. I started to think that

this was a wake up call for me - there my H was being supportive (in his way -

not how I need him to be, but I can't control that). Anyway, the point is he

is the one that would be there through everything not MM.

MM has told me that he had bad luck, etc. I am a very lucky person. I started to think that this was happening to get me away from him. I just heard from the Dr. office that everything is ok - it is just a cyst.

So I am seriously thinking of telling MM - just forget it -

we can only be friends. But I'm not sure I can do it. I did it once

before and caved to him.

I only see him once in a while at work. He had wanted to have drinks this week but

it just wouldn't work for me. You see his W is out of town. And I've had thoughts

like you that he doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with it either.

I can understand your getting mad with yourself for ever getting involved with him.

I have a great guy at home, too. He just was not doing the things I wanted. I was the one who pumped up our sex life and set up babysitters etc. for the past couple of years. I finally got tired of his not giving his 50%.

I need to take a good look at this and decide what to do.

Thanks for sharing. Question for you - when you do see your MM is the chemistry still there? Does it ever go away?




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 11:50am
I have read your board over the past couple of days. I myself having been trying for years to get out of an A and I just found this board a week ago, when I was really low from starting NC. I mostly read all the posts and don't reply often, but this morning when I read all messages under this topic I noticed that you and I are kind of in similar situations.

I have the most wonderful husband. He adores me, of course he has faults and it seems like those faults are the things that keep sticking in my mind. But I am trying to work on that. Do you have any idea on how we can bring the magic back/get out of the hum drum.

Thanks GL

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 10:01pm
To answer your question regarding XMM. I do not see him anymore and the last time was many months ago. The chemistry was not there for me at that time. Guilt took me over. I was mixed up about the way I felt because I didn't want to loose him but at the same time I didn't want to loose my marriage. (It's called.. wondering if I wanted my cake and eating it too) Some of the times I had the opportunity to see him, I chose not to.

Looking back over the course of it all. The whole event has happened just "like to book said" so to speak. It was always about when it was convenient for him. Not being able to talk to him when I wanted, or not being acknowledged for special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays, valentines day,etc. When I always tried to make some kind of acknowledgement to him regarding them.

The sweet words I felt like at the time I needed to hear, etc. I could just go on and on.

Based on my experience and in my opinion. I WILL NOT ever be involved with a married man again. Regardless of my marital status. It was a wild ride of emotion and sometimes I even feel like it was almost 3 years of my life turned up side down. I am still struggling some to this day getting over it and/or him. It has been a good while since he called me. I really hope he doesn't anymore.

You will make the right decision for yourself about continuing or ending your affair. One thing I will say tho. Follow your gut first, then your heart on your decision because 9 times out of 10 your gut is right.

Good luck and hang in there!!

TCOM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 10:18pm
In my case of dealing with the hum drum of marriage, I try and spend more time with my husband doing his thing...watching tv or sitting at home with him. I will confess tho it isn't always easy for me cause I like to run around with my friends and am very social, where he is not. But one thing I will say. Based on my affair experience. I don't think XMM would never hold a candle to my husband in regards to consideration, compassion and showing real love in his own way. My husband and I have been married 23 years, our son is in college and we are having to learn to live together again as just us, like it was in the beginning of our relationship. We both have changed alot over the years, especially me, but I now realize as I get older (I'm 40ish), My husband plans to take good care of me the rest of our years regardless of my affair, our differences, or life's struggles. Just love your husband with all your heart. Be tolerable of his faults, cause no one is perfect and take it day by day.

I don't know if this is what you wanted to hear, but It's what I felt like I needed to say. (especially to myself). Thanks for listening.

TCOM