Thinking positive.. I will make it
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| Fri, 12-17-2004 - 12:21pm |
Today, I felt a sense of relief, contrary to how I felt 2 days back, when I was all weepy and teary, missing xOM, feeling sorry for myself and wondering if I had done the right thing.
Today, it suddenly hit me, that I was free of all the stress that I went through with him in my life. My mind had been so clogged with matters related to my A that I was not thinking straight at all. My life had been a blur and my day to day activities were performed in a limbo. I would constantly think only of him, and when there were fights, I would be in a haze.
Today was relaxed, and the only things that I thought about which concerned my xOM were the reasons why I finally dumped him.
I am going to make it without him. I have kept up the NC and have completely disappeared from his view. I allowed him to rule my life for over 2 years. Now I want my life back. However I lead it, it will be without him..
Hope this lasts... tomorrow is another day, and , well I may just be back with a post that I cried again... but lets hope not, lets hope that I am healing
Trish

Trish,
Hang in there. You can do it!!! Sounds like you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing.
I know how hard it is to break free. I keep telling myself that I have to do what is right for my marriage and for me. I want to call my OM all the time. I still long for him even though I know I am doing the right thing.
You wrote back to me about a week ago and I appreciate your words of advice. So far I'm doing good. Haven't run into him or his wife. I'm surprised since we live in a small community. He told his wife that we were talking and that I was the only one calling. Yeah right. He is only looking out for himself and is scared of his wife. What a wimp!!!
I'm thinking of you,
Midnightblue
Those are very powerful words Trish. I can feel your strength and I"m so happy for you.
I know exactly what you mean about XOM controlling your life. Even though I miss some things about him and about the A, I don't miss all the garbage that went along with it. I feel a strange sense of peace. I never thought that I would get to this point, I really thought that goodbye would just about kill me....but every morning I wake up and guess what? I'm still alive.
Sending hugs your way.
Jazzdiva
Can I jump on this bandwagon?
Today, MM, no excuse me, XMM and I had a wonderful visit at which time we both agreed to call it quits. There was no fighting, swearing or name calling (not that there ever has been) but just a peaceful and amicable break up initiated at his request. We hugged goodbye and for the first time looked into each other's eyes and said, "I love you."
I feel so relieved that it's over. For two solid years the stress of getting caught not to mention the aggravation of 'when will he call?' was driving me nuts and making me such an unhappy person. I tried to end it several times before, but he always called and wooed me back. At one point, we went five whole weeks of NC and it actually felt pretty good. So I know if I can make it five weeks without him, I can make it a lifetime. He wasn't all that special anyway.
So rock-on, Sisters, and have a great weekend!!
fresh
I can attest to how good that feels. My xMM was the worst about coming on strong, only to suddenly drop off the face of the earth for days, or weeks at a time.
I would be so calm at first and make excuses for his distance. Then I'd start to feel panicked and frantic. I'd call too many times, or send him too many e-mail and BAM, he was ticked off and telling me it was over. It was this horrible pattern that we both were drawn into that we never seemed to break. Eventually one of us would call or e-mail the other and the whole cycle would start again--until this last time.
I know that feeling of relief, that sudden expanse of the lungs from taking a deep breath of freedom. I love my xMM, I do not doubt that today. But his love was making me crazy. It was his guilt that made him withdrawal, I know that. And it was his affection/infatuation with me that brought him back. I know he was torn apart. I just seemed to sit on the sidelines and ride the waves over and over again. I didn't realize how much it was driving me crazy until it was over.
I don't have to jump when the phone rings. I don't have to check my e-mail obsessively all day long. I don't have to sit at my computer, signed in to IM, waiting for him to come online.
It's amazing how much more free time I have! That's a good thing. I watch more movies with my H. and spend more time playing hide-n-seek with my son. Why did I ever invest so much time and energy in someone/something that refused to invest in me?
I'm sorry I had to have an A to learn that lesson, but I'm not sorry to have that knowledge today.
Good luck, be strong. Each day gets better. It's been nine weeks for me. I haven't checked my "special" e-mail in days. After the first of the year, I'm going to stop counting the weeks. It can only get better.
Hi Blue,
:-)
<<>>
Yes ... he is trying to cover his tracks now and act like the one being pursued.
It is amazing how our eyes suddenly open to all their characteristics that made us so so so miserable during the A, and ultimately got a hold on our minds, our lives, BUT characteristics we totally overlooked because we were blinded at the time.
I gues we all live and learn. We are special and if anyone treats us in anyway that makes us feel otherwise, they can be aborted from our lives. After all, there are loads of people around us that love us so much, husband, kids, who worship the ground we walk on. Parents, friends who care... And the strange part is that during the whole time of the A they are all kind of pushed into the background, the OM being the whole reason for you breathing.
Best wishes to you as well Blue, I know what you mean when you say you feel like picking up the phone but try your best not to. Infact I would say DONT DONT DONT :-) You will be fine .. I am sure you will survive this.. just like me and all our other sisters here
Hugs
Trish
Hugs back
<<>>
YESSSS, this morning I woke up, still alive :-) That is what I tried to say in this thread when I started it.. you have put it down so well..
YESSSS, the sense of peace is what is so so so much better than the strain of having to put up with all the moods, the pressure, the insecurity of how he would respond to me.. all the time having to tread with care, thinking he will react in a way that will upset me.. and send us into another big argument, silence period, and getting back together again.. this cycle repeated so so so many times...
I am happier than I have been in a long while.
Did I really need him in my life??
Sometimes makes us wonder doesnt it?
Trish:-)
HI Fresh
Ofcourse you can join in.. and from what you write, it seems like you feel exactly like I do. The same period of time, 2 years, and the amount of times I tried to end it is not funny.. only to be wooed by him again, yes the same story..
Good luck to us all, this sense of relief is a good start to our recovery..
Trish
Shel
<<>>
Yesterday I went out with my daughter.. what a wonderful time I had, because I did not have the pressure of whether the OM would sms or call.. i was not waiting for him to contact me :-) I was just having a dinner out with my daughter..and right now my other daughter has come home and I am going to sit and chat with her, with not a thought about OM in my mind.. I am doing so fine :-)
<<>
Yes.. thats exactly it. :-) That is the relief I was talking about..
Thanks for writing, I will be strong
Trish