Those darn triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Those darn triggers
14
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 5:36pm

Once a week

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 7:23pm

KS, your post touched me and I really hope that you continue to get stronger every day. I am so sorry that your H will not go to marriage counseling. Do you think he will eventualy??


Those triggers are tough at times. I have avoided my XMM's building numerous times, Ill even drive 5 miles out of the way to avoid even having to look at it. But the trigger that I will always have the hardest time with is the cologne he wears. He always wears Abercrombie & Fitch and everytime I smell it thoughts of him pop right up.


They get better though, believe me!!! Once you are able to immerse yourself back into your real life and live in the here and now, those triggers dont sting nearly as much.


Please hang in there and I truly hope that your H and marriage can move forward.


You are not alone here so come back often.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:12am

Hi KS-


Ok,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:29am

Hi, Swimmer -

Triggers, imho, are only really triggers when they hit us unexpectedly -- what you're doing is better labeled "self torture". You're only 40 days out, and this sort of behavior is common early on. I think it's because newbies need to feel some sense of control, or perhaps are searching for some sort of 'answer' or closure. The irony is that doing the drive-bys and cyberstalking is exactly the opposite of that goal. Doing so actually _compounds_ the feeling of being out of control and brings up even more questions that will go unanswered. This is why the tweeners and vets demand that the newbies quit it, even if the newbies don't 'get it' in the beginning. Only after the newbies' fogs lift through following the advice of the Elders, do they begin to see the logic of this imperative. So, my advice to you is to do what you're told! Quit it. Just quit it. The next time you feel like touching that hot stove, remember that you are under strict orders from the Board. It takes the decision out of your very shaky hands, Dear.

Stronger, healthier days ahead!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 11:28am

Dee, Jane, and GMLB,


Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 12:27pm

GMLB,


Thanks for your words...good to know it gets easier. I need to make "here and now" one of my mantras. Thank you.

~~Serenity~~


Love is all you need.

~~Serenity~~


Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 1:36pm

You got it, KS. Good job. Now that you understand it, internalize it and hold yourself accountable. It will get easier... and with each day that you avoid the hot stove, you will feel better and better.


If I sounded like I was scolding you, I am sorry. I was only speaking from experience, because I too am a stove toucher. I vowed 12 days ago that I would no longer peek at his FB page. It was self torture. And guess what- the first few days were hard. I soooo wanted to just check, but now it doesn't even cross my mind.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 3:12pm

Holy Moly,

Ditto to your whole post. Really. I drive to MC alone as my h refuses to go--I have to pass the hotel we (xAP) stayed at and we also were frequent "spa" users together and I have to see the stupid places where we had all our "couples massages". Mercy! So many triggers all over the place. There is even a restaurant that my h and I frequent, that in the worst of my "addiction" I went to WITH xAP and we sat all romantic and lovey while the waiters (who know my h --and they just must have mumbled in sheer confusion over what the hell I was doing with another man!) gave me the eye!

I have noticed that I too would almot self-inflict that pain and misery--looking at fb, playing the songs, etc. I brought it on. For the most part, now, almost 5 months out, I can at least use my better judgement and boundries and stop myself *most of the time*.

Time does = some relief with the triggers. I agree that you will have to now re-create some new "images" for yourself--a giant STOP sign.

Hugs to you, LL

p.s. my h lost a lot of weight too post d-day....):

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 4:04pm

LL,


Tell me more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2008
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 6:23pm

Hi ks,


Yep, my xMM ended it and literally threw me under the bus completely--that was December 26th and he never looked back, checked on my well-being.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 8:47pm

Wow.

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