Those moments of sheer insanity...
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| Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:31pm |
Quick background: My H and I have been rebuilding since February, and we're doing awesome. I adore this man, he's the love of my life. He's a wonderful and supportive husband and father and my best friend. He's giving everything he has to this marriage. And I believe I'm doing the same. So it surprised me last night when I was driving home from being with some friends that I had this sudden, uncontrollable urge to contact XMM. Out of nowhere. I don't know what triggered it. It's like I temporarily lost my sanity and it took everything I had just to drive myself home and curl up in bed with my H. Today I have an NC hangover...
I have done enough work to KNOW that this isn't about my H OR the XMM. This is about me, and whatever crazy euphoria I got from the A. I've been sitting in my office all day trying to figure out why the lightening bolt struck last night. I know it signals a problem with ME. My T believes its sabatoge because of my incredible fear of intimacy (I grew up in an alcoholic household and was never taught how to love so I'm trying to learn how to do it in a healthy fashion at age 41. Lots of luck.). Things may be going TOO well in my marriage and I'm thinking sabatoge, not deserving, not worthy, whatever.
I just needed to vent this here. My A is dead and over. I KNOW I did the right thing ending my A, there's no doubt about that. But there's apparently something about my XMM or the A that I need in my life right now, so I have to figure out what that is and find a safer, healthier way to meet that need. I've posted similar feelings here in the past. I just can't seem to come to grips with why, out of seemingly nowhere, I am overcome with a need to see him one more time.
100% of the time I have talked myself out of it. I follow my own advice and do exactly what I tell everyone else on this board to do when they're in the grip. I just want to get at the exact nature of WHY this issue comes up every once in awhile. Does anyone else experience this? and if so, what the heck do you do about it? Does it get easier to get past? I've had NC for 9 months now. The A was 2 years long. UGH.
Love, Mo.


I am only one month more out of my A than you are, but I don't have easy access to XMM and we *haven't* had any flirty exchanges since the A ended, so I truly do NOT get those urges anymore. I really think as long as you keep doing what you are doing, you will stop having them, too. Just remember what harm one little break in NC can do!
Sorry didnt get to you sooner. I left early yesterday cuz' I felt so sick. Anyway, just wanted to check in with you and see how you were feeling.
I agree with you that this xOM was filling some sort of void in you. I truly believe that this is my case as well. Although, I havent entirely figured out why I deliberately sabotage "good situations" in my life and why I am so attracted to the excitement of "danger". I have been thinking alot about it and in my younger pre-married years I was like that as well. Always attracted to the "bad boy" and then I met my H who is so kind and different then what I was typically attracted to. So maybe in my case its almost a lack of maturity in controlling the urge to still be a little "crazy". When I was with xMM I felt that "thrill" that I sometimes miss. But at one point in life I guess that part of us needs to be controlled a bit and if we are looking for "excitement" than it is our responsibility to re-create that with H. I know my H would probably love the "wild Dipss" which he really doesnt see.
The struggle we are both faced with is filling that void and the escape from "real life". I know when I am feeling stressed or over anxious with lifes daily pressures I think of xMM immediately and that is when I struggle with the NC. The question and challenge is how we manage that and control those urges. I am still struggling for the "perfect answer" on that one.
You are doing so well. I agree with Katie about any kind of contact breaks us down a bit. Is something going on right now in your life that is making you think of him more? I know the summer (like me) makes you think of xMM since that is when things were hottest with them....but what is it that is making you think of him now?
You are strong. You know that. We know that. Dont beat yourself up too much. I wish you continued strength in your road to recovery...almost at the finish line, whether you believe it or not.
xoxoxo!!!
Dipss
I just had to reply to what you said b/c I'm in the same spot...."playing with fire" is how I describe potentially sabatoging my good life, husband, etc. Just like you, before I married I was always attracted to the 'bad boy' and did a lot of crazy things. My H is a nice guy & I do love him & can't imagine my life w/out him yet I get myself into these A's.
Have you thought of anything you could do with your H to re-create the excitement? You said "I know when I am feeling stressed or over anxious with lifes daily pressures I think of xMM immediately and that is when I struggle with the NC". Yep, I do that as well, it's like an escape from our real life. The A is something fun, different and of course, exciting. My therapist has told me that I need to embrace & accept the mature love that I have with my husband & accept that what I have in the A is nothing more than lust/euphoria that is immature & will end. The problem for me is that I really don't think that there is a way to recreate those initial euphoric feelings of meeting someone new...I think it sucks that the 'high' feelings end.
Have you gotten any suggestions or ideas about how to fill the void?
Lord if I had that figured out I would be considred a genius on this board. (lol). Nope. No idea how to fill that void. No idea how to get that same feeling and rush I got from the A. I wish I could figure out something. Skydiving perhaps? Oh wait. Even better!! How about skydiving in the nude? Oh yes, maybe that will give me more of a thrill!
On a serious note: I havent a clue right now. I think, truth be told, that there is nothing that can ever replace the rush we got from the A. I know that may sound sad but I cant imagine anything replacing that feeling.
I am open to suggestions. Anyone???
I think we need a good brainstorm session on that. :)
xo!!
Dipss
The only thing I've been able to tell myself is that I know that those feelings are an addiction and that I need to really work on my willpower and not even tempt myself.
Easy to say, hard to do.