? for those still happily M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
? for those still happily M
10
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 2:42am

Why does it feel like every interaction, every intimate conversation with DH is forced? The I love you's, the I miss you's, the I can't wait to see you's are so darn hard for me to say. I need to say them/I do say them...but where is all the emotions/meaning that used to exist behind those words? I am going through the motions- trying to be the wife I used to so I don't get caught. Where is the sincerity?

I can remember just like it was yesterday....getting prepared for his homecomings acting like a giddy in love teenager. (One as recent as 2003). I couldn't wait to see him!!!! I just couldn't contain myself. Now, I am like Ok. He's coming. I know this is because of the A. I just know. SO how long am I going to have to "force" every conversation, every sexual encounter, every kiss, every touch until it becomes like it used to be- naturally? I love him, but everything is so clouded and uncertain right now. It's uncomfortable.

The only thing that keeps me going is knowing without a doubt that there is atleast one if not more wives that have in the past couple of weeks and weeks to come that will be welcoming home their husbands/wives and feeling just the same way I am feeling now. A are prevalent especially in the military community. I am sure I am not the only one who strayed during this absence. Misery loves company.

So am I just going to become a really good actress until the day comes that I don't realize I am not acting anymore? I am being really hard on myself, I know. But gosh, he didn't deserve this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So let me have it. Tell me how you managed to keep your marriage together even when you felt like you didn't want to. Tell me something so I know this is all part of the process of healing/letting go.

ss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:28am

SS

It is part of the recovery process.

Most women do not have sex unless they connect to a man emotionally even if there not really aware of how that connection is effecting them, again most women do not connect on that level to more then one man at a time so to connect to the XMM you had to at least to some degree disconnect from your husband...so that is were you are right now, BUT you had hubby have HISTORY and family together that can help you reconnect.

One of the major means for a woman to connect is TALKING/CONVERSATION, that is how most affairs start and that is how you can start a new affair with your husband, THE WAY TO A WOMANS HEART IS THROUGH HER EARS, not between her legs, a man gets there after he has slipped into her heart via the ear duck.

Your going to have to have sex with your husband but make sure you get lots of pillow talk in.

YOU WILL MAKE IT.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:32am

During the 17 years of affairs my answers to DW were similar to yours: forced and without the spark from the early days of the relationship.


Those forced answers remained for me because the underlying issues that I used to justify my affairs weren't ever fully resolved within the marriage.


The fact that you chose to end your affair is only the first step at re-establishing the marriage with your husband. Which means sitting down with or without professional help and giving voice to the areas of your marraige that BOTH of you are experiencing as lacking. Can you do this? Yes, you can. Can your husband do this? Yes, he can too. WILL both of you CHOOSE to do this? That's the real question. Because if one of you isn't willing to step up and work, the recovery process most likely will remain flawed, same as the marriage.


In my case, the months of counseling culminated with my ex-wife declaring to the counselor that after 22 years of marriage I had no commitment to the marriage and as soon as I fixed myself we would be OK. Notice anything here? As in blame denial and shifting? Needless to say the counseling process came to a halt as did the marriage.


In my current marriage, to my former OW, I am as in love today with her as I was the day I began my affair with her. More so, actually. Ours is not a perfect marriage; it has its daily ups and downs. The key difference and why I no longer could ever again look outside my marraige for solace: COMMUNICATION. We have made communciation with one another the #1 priority in the marriage. Being willing to talk back and forth and listen to each other with the clear understanding that the person speaking to us is the love of our life and deserves our full attention and dedication. WHen you and your husband step into that type of commitment to each other and live it, I believe you will recover all the feelings you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 9:42am

Although I can't relate to having my H leave for awhile and return, I CAN relate to forcing certain things. For instance, for the past several years, simply buying a greeting card for him is difficult. All the "husband" cards are full of sentiments that I simply don't feel. For Valentines Day, I searched long and hard for a card that said the words that were most sincere for me. I have actually stood in the card stores crying because I don't feel those feelings that most of those cards express..the feelings you are SUPPOSED to feel for your husband.

As my A is becoming a part of my past now, I'm trying not to over-think where exactly my H and me stand. I'm allowing myself time to just not think about it, about any of it, and to just find new experiences and things to look forward to. I'm making plans to travel, which I've never done before. In other words, I'm trying to make the most of LIFE, rather than dwelling on what isn't or what can't be.

Sure it still gets hard for me. XMM seems to really be avoiding any chats with me (we had maintained minimal online contact because all of us are friends), but since I sent him the poem "To Let Go" that I had posted here, and the fact that I never acknowledged V.Day, it's extremely obvious that he is avoiding me now.

But I really can see a light, however dim it is, at the end of the tunnel. So that keeps me moving forward, rather than keep taking those steps backwards as I have always done before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:07am

Free-

Always short, sweet, real, truthful. Thanks for giving me support. You have alot more faith in me than I currently can conjure up for myself!!!

Cl-nre-

Very honest and open advice. Thanks to you as well.

<<>

We were seeing a counselor before he left for the second term fighting this war. The first deployment changed him. He was suffering from PTSD. I was there for him as much as I knew how and when I didn't have the answers...we decided counseling was what we needed to save our marriage. Before he left, I have never, ever felt more connected to him. Everything improved and I felt my life drain as I had to say good-bye again- not thinking we would be so lucky again to have a homecoming because death was so fresh on my mind. Two and half months later, I was in an affair still continuing IC. I talked in depth regarding this affair to my counselor. When I knew I didn't want to let it go, I started cancelling appts. Stupid, I know. When I read the above statement, I know we can do this, the only problem is I will not....I will not disclose this affair to him. One because he loves me beyond measure. He went over there a second time b/c the thought of getting out of the military was terrifying to me. He wanted to get out and b/c he thought he might lose our family, he stayed in. He was willing to sacrifice his life for this family. So I can't possibly tell him what I've done. In truth, he could lose it and kill me. It happens everyday. War changes people. These soldiers leave stable, loving environments and when/if they are fortunate to return, they are changed FOREVER. So as I have said...I am trying to rebuild a marriage that the other party has no idea needs rebuilding.

Thanks for listening,
SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 11:14am

Fake it till you make it, Sunshine! If you bring the body, the mind will follow. Sorry, these are quippy little 12-step sayings, but they worked for me. It does take a while to "undo" the A, emotionally. I KNEW I still loved my DH, else I wouldn't have chosed to reconcile and remain in the M. It just took adjusting to really want to see him, really want to spend the evening with him, really look forward to him coming home. Afterall, I had just spent almost 2 years with all of my emotional energy directed at XMM. Chalk it up to confusion, emotional exhaustion, or just plain fear. I used to "pretend" I was going to enjoy being with DH as much as I enjoyed being with XMM. I got all dressed up when we planned a night out. I tried to flirt and act like we were out on a first date. I looked at him objectively, like any other woman in the bar would have, and saw a really awesome "catch." I focused on those qualities about him that I loved and admired and forced the ones that I wasn't so crazy about out of my mind. This isn't denial, mind you. This is like "I hate the way he takes off his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose whenever he thinks he said something funny." Is this harming anyone???? No. Quirky and annoying to me, perhaps, but certainly nothing to focus on. I just pushed these things aside and forced myself not to focus on them.

This takes practice and alot of work, but if you've decided to remain in your marriage, it's so worth it. You'll get there eventually, and if you don't, maybe rebuilding your M isn't such a good idea. JMHO. Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:01pm

FYI--in case you missed it in one of my previous posts, I am a strong advocate of NEVER disclosing to your spouse the fact you have had an affair. N.E.V.E.R.


Leave the affair behind, learn from the experience to face your demons and go forward.


Forgiveness does not equal forgetting.


I read your answer and wish you all the help God can give you to help your husband unload the effects of war and have his civilian life with you resume its beauty and wonder and love......


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:23pm

Thank you. I know GOD is the answer here. HE and I have alot of work to do. Thank goodness, he's patient. LOL!

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:25am

hi sunshine,

sorry i missed this post, i know for a fact the combat or being posted near it can change a man or a woman life and pont of view in life, trust me , i been there, the military provides couselling and support for all soldiers, during and after discharge, i was single b4 when i was in service and when i got out i did have to do some adjustments mainly on how i deal with work, i have no patience at all, i did not have any bad dreams or sweaty nites thank god, i guess im one of the lucky ones, i did went to counselling for not being able to cope at work for stress relating to my perception of the workers at work, not very structured and i was expecting them to act like in the military, obey first b4 ask questions

best thing u can do is support him in any way u can, talk to him and ask him how he feels, support him as best u can

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:30am
Thanks...Max!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:36am

your welcome !!!

its raining again, it seems like the heavens been crying all week here in the bay area

im watching JAG on TV

max

forgiveness is noble