Those still working with OM/OW....
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| Thu, 04-28-2005 - 5:00pm |
How do you get beyond the anger and sadness so that you can still function with OM/OW at work? (I'm sorry Max... I know you OW isn't at work anymore - although that might be a blessing but I'm sure it doesn't feel like that now).
I've ended it (although the true test is if I have to go on a business trip again with him - some trips I can avoid and will but I know there is at least one before the end of the year where we both have to be there). I work from home so I don't see his face but he's always online and we have frequent work-only conf calls and work email exchanges (small company).
I can't get beyond how upset I am... he knows I'm upset and he is willing to talk and left me a vmail this morning (I can't say he "wants to talk" since I don't think he ever wants to really, really talk about how sad I am - that's not why he's in this A).
The (good) truth is that I know I've started to "arrive" at the conclusion since I don't even want to talk to him about the A anymore (and haven't). I see there is nothing to be gained and there isn't anything he could say at this point that would make it better. I don't want to reach out to him since it will be more of the same.
I've lived this fantasy for 9 years that there is something more there... and now that I realize it's mostly about him and IC. It's nothing he's said - I just finally heard the alarm that has been sounding. I can't get through the day without crying 7-8 times. I cried for 3 hours last night. My eyes are so sore and I just feel miserable. I think H knows something is strange but is just giving me my space (and has no idea so that's not an issue).
Tell me, how do you function "normally" at work without going through fits of emotions while ending it. I go through phases where I'm sad but not mad at him directly and can communicate with him without anger (about work of course), then all of a sudden I'm SO mad when I again think about how he's had his cake and basically left me to fend for myself - that I can hardly respond to a work question without being emotional and angry. It's clearly affecting work.
Any advice for getting past this? If the answer is just time - how much time??
WIP

Hi, I don't have an answer for you but I hope someone does. I too have lived in a fantasy for the last 5 years. I can look back and see exactly how it happened, both of us going through a hard time and thought we could help each other. I can't get past the anger and the sadness either. I think you and I are particulary in a hurry to get past this because we know we have to deal with OM, you at work and me in social situations. I can't stay home forever, I need to get out but I don't want to run into him. I have 1 month before I am going to have to go on a camping trip that my husband is very much looking forward to. XOM and his new woman will be there. I keep hoping that they will break up with each other by then. (Isn't that mean?) I will have to be quite the actress to pull this off. I haven't had a serious conversation with OM in 3 weeks. I still check my ID caller and my e-mail, I keep wondering how long I will do that. I don't call him or e-mail him anymore, what would be the use? It is a no-win situation, if he calls me then I think he should just leave me alone, when he doesn't call me I think he doesn't even care how I am doing. I do think that it was just a fantasy I was living in but I am having a tough time giving up my best friend. I know what you mean about being mad at him. I have told OM repeatedly that he should just walk away and get on with his life, I just wanted him to be happy. Then when he did just that, I felt hurt and betrayed. That is just insanity, I really believed what I was saying when I said it. We even talked about how much it would hurt me, but I had no idea that it would be this bad.
The good news is that I am doing better today, I can only hope I feel even better tomorrow. I hope we both get our answers (probably each within ourselves). They say we have to stop the addiction. How do you really know if it was just an addiction? Did I really love him like I thought or did I just really need him? Ok, I'm rambling, I'm out of here. I hope you feel better tomorrow.
depressed2005,
I'm glad to here you're doing better (at least today). These are small steps. Someone posted to you that we all pass through this at our own pace. Due to our long affairs (9 years for me, although there were 3 years off in the middle up until Dec 2004) I fear it will take us a long time - esp with them sitting there staring at us the whole time.
It hadn't occurred to me until someone else posted it - I think part of my crying is fear of the future. I liked thinking he was my "special someone" that cared about me (obviously part of the fantasy that may never have been true). I believed this for so long that even during the 3 years off - and it was a bitter 3 years since we worked together and sometimes we didn't get along - I always still felt that circumstances were keeping us apart. Life seems a little dull without it.
I'm doing much better than last night - I cried quite a few times today but I'm not out of control like last night.
I wish you well as you think about that camping trip. I bet he will feel uncomfortable too.
Best wishes for a good sleep,
WIP
This is my first time posting here. I've been on MAS and All Sides, but have been lurking the past month or so, kind of caught in a limbo of sorts.
I work with my xMM but only part time. There was definitely an adjustment period but we are in a decent place right now -- we consider each other a "friend" and can talk openly about our A.
Our situation is much, MUCH different than yours, however and I definitely acknowledge that you will have a more difficult recovery process. Without going into the long, sordid tale, our A was relatively brief, very powerful, but we never got to the "I love you" stage nor did we delude ourselves that it was anything more than it was, if that makes sense. This was my first A in over 20 years of being with my DH -- I was at a very vulnerable time in my life when xMM came into it. He had no idea of just how susceptible I was so I don't blame him -- I take responsibility for my own actions.
We have agreed that neither one of us wants to jeopardize our marriages any further (we were fortunate enough to have never been found out by either spouse) or risk ruining the friendship we have developed.
He has made it clear that he has feelings for me, but he respects my love for my DH (which I CLEARLY wasn't demonstrating by having the A -- something I have to deal with). He is backing off physically and we have been enjoying being able to talk as friends. He let me know in no uncertain terms that if I ever wanted to pursue anything with him, he would be there, but he is willing to hold himself in check in order to keep the relationship we DO have. Incidentally, my DH knows we are friends and I speak often of our conversations.
I think had we been in the A for any longer than we were, things may be different. But in my case, we are able to handle what we currently have.
I don't think it would work for everybody as circumstances can vary so much. I wish you much strength, as it appears you have a long, difficult road ahead of you.
C-
C-
Thank you for your post. I am glad you are in a good place right now.
I would just warn you from all the reading I've done on this site (and obviously my experience too) - I would be very cautious about keeping a close friendship with MM. So many emotional affairs go back to a full blown A.
He seems willing which is going to require you to be the gatekeeper. That gatekeeper position stinks (I think I will always hold that role in my A). If you have any feelings for him you are on dangerous ground. And there is a vast, painful emptiness that could await you and is hard to imagine when things are still "good" (whatever that means). I wasn't always this miserable - in fact, there were years where there was some excitement mixed with some pain - now it's pretty much all pain - even when things are "good" with MM/xMM it's all very bittersweet.
Thanks for posting and welcome... just be careful!
WIP
I definitely appreciate your words of caution.
I don't think I will hold the position of gatekeeper, though (Believe me, I KNOW everything thinks he/she is the exception ;-) ). He has been very respectful thus far by not pushing. The whole situation has been sort of "I'm here if you need me, but until that time I'll sit here in the waiting room until I hear my number called". I don't see him altering that. I will be extremely cautious and alert for any changes, though.
I imagine there will be days where I will be tempted to return to this, especially since he is so "accessible" and open right now. When I reach one, I plan on visiting here to receive some of the loving support I see so obviously among the people here. Thank you.
C-
Edited 4/29/2005 8:00 pm ET ET by jstmekc