Those still working with OM/OW....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Those still working with OM/OW....
7
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 5:00pm

How do you get beyond the anger and sadness so that you can still function with OM/OW at work? (I'm sorry Max... I know you OW isn't at work anymore - although that might be a blessing but I'm sure it doesn't feel like that now).

I've ended it (although the true test is if I have to go on a business trip again with him - some trips I can avoid and will but I know there is at least one before the end of the year where we both have to be there). I work from home so I don't see his face but he's always online and we have frequent work-only conf calls and work email exchanges (small company).

I can't get beyond how upset I am... he knows I'm upset and he is willing to talk and left me a vmail this morning (I can't say he "wants to talk" since I don't think he ever wants to really, really talk about how sad I am - that's not why he's in this A).

The (good) truth is that I know I've started to "arrive" at the conclusion since I don't even want to talk to him about the A anymore (and haven't). I see there is nothing to be gained and there isn't anything he could say at this point that would make it better. I don't want to reach out to him since it will be more of the same.

I've lived this fantasy for 9 years that there is something more there... and now that I realize it's mostly about him and IC. It's nothing he's said - I just finally heard the alarm that has been sounding. I can't get through the day without crying 7-8 times. I cried for 3 hours last night. My eyes are so sore and I just feel miserable. I think H knows something is strange but is just giving me my space (and has no idea so that's not an issue).

Tell me, how do you function "normally" at work without going through fits of emotions while ending it. I go through phases where I'm sad but not mad at him directly and can communicate with him without anger (about work of course), then all of a sudden I'm SO mad when I again think about how he's had his cake and basically left me to fend for myself - that I can hardly respond to a work question without being emotional and angry. It's clearly affecting work.

Any advice for getting past this? If the answer is just time - how much time??

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 6:16pm

Hi, I don't have an answer for you but I hope someone does. I too have lived in a fantasy for the last 5 years. I can look back and see exactly how it happened, both of us going through a hard time and thought we could help each other. I can't get past the anger and the sadness either. I think you and I are particulary in a hurry to get past this because we know we have to deal with OM, you at work and me in social situations. I can't stay home forever, I need to get out but I don't want to run into him. I have 1 month before I am going to have to go on a camping trip that my husband is very much looking forward to. XOM and his new woman will be there. I keep hoping that they will break up with each other by then. (Isn't that mean?) I will have to be quite the actress to pull this off. I haven't had a serious conversation with OM in 3 weeks. I still check my ID caller and my e-mail, I keep wondering how long I will do that. I don't call him or e-mail him anymore, what would be the use? It is a no-win situation, if he calls me then I think he should just leave me alone, when he doesn't call me I think he doesn't even care how I am doing. I do think that it was just a fantasy I was living in but I am having a tough time giving up my best friend. I know what you mean about being mad at him. I have told OM repeatedly that he should just walk away and get on with his life, I just wanted him to be happy. Then when he did just that, I felt hurt and betrayed. That is just insanity, I really believed what I was saying when I said it. We even talked about how much it would hurt me, but I had no idea that it would be this bad.

The good news is that I am doing better today, I can only hope I feel even better tomorrow. I hope we both get our answers (probably each within ourselves). They say we have to stop the addiction. How do you really know if it was just an addiction? Did I really love him like I thought or did I just really need him? Ok, I'm rambling, I'm out of here. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 8:56pm

depressed2005,

I'm glad to here you're doing better (at least today). These are small steps. Someone posted to you that we all pass through this at our own pace. Due to our long affairs (9 years for me, although there were 3 years off in the middle up until Dec 2004) I fear it will take us a long time - esp with them sitting there staring at us the whole time.

It hadn't occurred to me until someone else posted it - I think part of my crying is fear of the future. I liked thinking he was my "special someone" that cared about me (obviously part of the fantasy that may never have been true). I believed this for so long that even during the 3 years off - and it was a bitter 3 years since we worked together and sometimes we didn't get along - I always still felt that circumstances were keeping us apart. Life seems a little dull without it.

I'm doing much better than last night - I cried quite a few times today but I'm not out of control like last night.

I wish you well as you think about that camping trip. I bet he will feel uncomfortable too.

Best wishes for a good sleep,

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 3:29pm

This is my first time posting here. I've been on MAS and All Sides, but have been lurking the past month or so, kind of caught in a limbo of sorts.

I work with my xMM but only part time. There was definitely an adjustment period but we are in a decent place right now -- we consider each other a "friend" and can talk openly about our A.

Our situation is much, MUCH different than yours, however and I definitely acknowledge that you will have a more difficult recovery process. Without going into the long, sordid tale, our A was relatively brief, very powerful, but we never got to the "I love you" stage nor did we delude ourselves that it was anything more than it was, if that makes sense. This was my first A in over 20 years of being with my DH -- I was at a very vulnerable time in my life when xMM came into it. He had no idea of just how susceptible I was so I don't blame him -- I take responsibility for my own actions.

We have agreed that neither one of us wants to jeopardize our marriages any further (we were fortunate enough to have never been found out by either spouse) or risk ruining the friendship we have developed.

He has made it clear that he has feelings for me, but he respects my love for my DH (which I CLEARLY wasn't demonstrating by having the A -- something I have to deal with). He is backing off physically and we have been enjoying being able to talk as friends. He let me know in no uncertain terms that if I ever wanted to pursue anything with him, he would be there, but he is willing to hold himself in check in order to keep the relationship we DO have. Incidentally, my DH knows we are friends and I speak often of our conversations.

I think had we been in the A for any longer than we were, things may be different. But in my case, we are able to handle what we currently have.

I don't think it would work for everybody as circumstances can vary so much. I wish you much strength, as it appears you have a long, difficult road ahead of you.

C-

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 4:06pm

C-

Thank you for your post. I am glad you are in a good place right now.

I would just warn you from all the reading I've done on this site (and obviously my experience too) - I would be very cautious about keeping a close friendship with MM. So many emotional affairs go back to a full blown A.

He seems willing which is going to require you to be the gatekeeper. That gatekeeper position stinks (I think I will always hold that role in my A). If you have any feelings for him you are on dangerous ground. And there is a vast, painful emptiness that could await you and is hard to imagine when things are still "good" (whatever that means). I wasn't always this miserable - in fact, there were years where there was some excitement mixed with some pain - now it's pretty much all pain - even when things are "good" with MM/xMM it's all very bittersweet.

Thanks for posting and welcome... just be careful!

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 4:40pm

I definitely appreciate your words of caution.

I don't think I will hold the position of gatekeeper, though (Believe me, I KNOW everything thinks he/she is the exception ;-) ). He has been very respectful thus far by not pushing. The whole situation has been sort of "I'm here if you need me, but until that time I'll sit here in the waiting room until I hear my number called". I don't see him altering that. I will be extremely cautious and alert for any changes, though.

I imagine there will be days where I will be tempted to return to this, especially since he is so "accessible" and open right now. When I reach one, I plan on visiting here to receive some of the loving support I see so obviously among the people here. Thank you.

C-

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2005
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 7:30pm
Well, I can definitely relate to working with my ex OMM. How is this for the kicker? We sit side by side. We have gone through many ups and downs. He told me he loved me, then got me to fall for him, then got almost everything he wanted (we did everything, but IC) and then tells me he thinks it is lust. I then ended up confiding to my husband. After a month or two of NC with my OMM, we were right back at it again. Again, I couldn't stand the guilt and told my husband just about everything we did and needless to say that I put in my resignation at work. I also made the OMM confide to his wife as well. Well, after everything was out in the open and I begged for my husband to keep me around, my H and I decided financially it was better if I stay. Again, there was to be NC at work. We did this again for another month and it was MISERABLE. So, we started talking again trying to be "closet" friends and we almost slipped again. I stopped it. He now tells me that he knows he could be with me and love me in a different life, but he loves his wife and his 2 kids. He really wants his cake and eat it too. I know I have been naive, but I really do care about him. We do have this connection - he was my best friend. Anyway, when things were about to start to heat it up again and he started pushing to go the extra mile and finally have IC, I told him we had to again break the contact. This has been a week - but 5 months since telling our spouses about the A. We are again MISERABLE at work. He keeps trying to talk to me or email me. He now says that he just wants to remain friends until one of us leaves. He said once he leaves, we will probably never be able to see each other again and he wants me in his life the little time we have left - (he is starting his own business and will be out hopefully in less than a year). I reminded him how we said we didn't want to leave our current situations, so "I" am trying to be the one to save our marriages. I am trying to stay strong by thinking about how I have been used, but everytime I see him or everytime he says something sweet, I just become stupidly weak and fall for him all over again. THIS IS SO HARD! I don't know how long I can do this. He has asked me if I loved him a few weeks ago, and while I really am not sure, I admitted to him at the moment that I did. He was happy to hear that, and at first couldn't say it back. Then he said that he does love two women. I really do think he cares about me deep down, but I also know that he wants more action and will say anything to get it. He is constantly telling me how there is more passion with me than with his wife. I have only been with my husband romantically outside of my ex OMM (I only dated a guy a few months before getting together with my husband). I am usually a good judge of character and I know that deep down my ex OMM he is a good person who does care for me, but he has a funny way sometimes of showing it. He is so miserable at work too. You can tell... Very depressed. I don't know what to do. I do love my H, but I really think I love my XMM now too.. I think about him so much and it hurts to sit by side and act worse than strangers. It also hurts to know how we lost one heck of a friendship by taking it to the A level. I don't know what to do... He is out of town until Tuesday and said he wants to talk when he gets back - I assume to try and convince me that we can be just friends and talk until he leaves. I don't know if I should give in again and try to just do the friend thing to make it comfortable until he leaves because I literally have been coming home from work on the verge of tears (I miss him and talking to him so much). Or should I hold strong and have NC? Or should I really tell him how I feel about him when he gets back? The thing is I dont know if I could leave my H for him. He has been so good to me and has stuck with me through all of this. I know I have to be strong, but still working together while we still have feelings for each other is bound to blow up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 7:55pm
I transfered to another office although we do still have contact. It is hard but the truth under the illusion is that I have a family and so does he. It is almost impossible to be friends because a true friend wants the best for you and an AP is in it for themselves. If they did love you and have honor they would leave you alone. I know everyone thinks it is different for them but it is not. Be professional and keep all contact to work only issues. Not in a mean or hateful way but if you care about him you should also have the honor not to be the one who participates in such behavior with him. It is very painful and I had times where I would remove myself from being around him, even if it meant working different hours. I especially did not want to listen to him interact with everyone else. I kept a tissue in my pocket and told everyone I had a cold. I didn't care if he knew how hurt I was. It did get easier though. Hang in there you can work through it and become so much stronger.


Edited 4/29/2005 8:00 pm ET ET by jstmekc