For those whose As are long over
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| Thu, 03-24-2005 - 8:18am |
I'm thinking in particular about some responses I've seen recently from Free, Noregrets and LeFeen: does coming to these boards ever make you think too much about the A??? I mean, mine has been over for 1 year and for the most part I don't think about it or the XMM too much. Gone are the urges to contact him or even missing him. When I do think back on my XMM, its mostly with nostalgia or melancholy.
I guess I hang out here and on the All Sides board for the therpuetic value of examining how and why it happened to begin with. And of course, there's so much to learn about ourselves from this experience. But as Free pointed out in response to another thread, "Your thoughts control your destiny." Does anyone ever feel like they're spending too much time and energy thinking about the A - even if its from the standpoint of being glad its over and lending support to others who are still going thru it????
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this. Love and positive thoughts, Mo.


This year will be 3 years since my EMA. Yes, I still think about my XOM. Mostly it is with sadness that things ever started and that so many people got hurt. It's been about 1-1/2 yrs since I last saw XOM at my high school reunion. He said then that he was going dark and staying there. Which is how it should be. There is no way he and I could just be friends. At some point one or both of us would not be content with being just friends, and he knows I'm not leaving my marriage. So it's better this way.
I hope my XOM is doing well, but it's better if I don't see him anymore.
I totally agree with your point. My A was officially over last October. We've had intermittent contact since then, but most of my memories and feelings are just nostalgic. I don't have any of that dire need to know how he is. I don't wonder if he still cares, etc.
I find myself coming to the board less lately. I think it's an invaluable tool and I'll never forget all the great advice I received. But every time a new poster comes on and laments how she/he doesn't want it to end, how he/she can't live with out the ow/om, they had this INCREDIBLE connection... you know the stories. They are the exact same things I said once too. And I hate to be reminded of all that pain and wasted time. I would have been with my xMM in a minute then.. Now, I would have to think about it long and hard.
On the other hand, the reason I come back at all is to remind myself why I should NEVER get involved in an EMA again. The new posters remind me of how hard those first few days, weeks were and why I never want to go through that again. Especially Max, recently. Max, if you're reading this, my heart broke all over again for you and how negatively this has affected you!
In the long run, this board has come full circle. It was there when my heart was broken and needed someone to just listen. Now it's here to remind me of where I've been, that I'm still not alone, and that I'm a much stronger person than I thought I was.
It still serves a purpose.
shel,
thanks for yout thoughts and i am sorry if my experience brought back some memories for u, i just want to share my feelings from a male point of view, ,men also have feelings and not all of us are jerks although a lot of MM in the A are doing it for thier self serving reasons, flame on !!
like u, i will NEVER BE in a AFFAIR , i learned my lesson well, the pain and misery is too much to bear, for awhile there i thought i was gonna lose it all, my life
now i know better, it a waste of my time, i spent so much time and effort for OW and its all a waste, i was lying to myself all the time
like u , this board and the people here are my true friends, family actually , i think of everyone as my brothers and sisters ( i have none, not that i know if )
be well,
max
Max,
No need to be sorry, that's exactly the kind of stuff I need to hear.
1. To remember how much pain EMAs cause, and 2. Because it's VERY nice to have a man's perspective. A common lament on this board is how the xMM/xOM can just walk away and jump back into his life. Your postings remind us that men DO have feelings too and probably hurt but show it in a different manner.
All we can do now is share our experiences and hope we help one person out there recover from their own affair.
Keep posting! You're sounding more healthy and sure of yourself every day.
~Shel
Mo, you pose an interesting question for long term recoverers:
"does coming to these boards ever make you think too much about the A??? "
For my situation, I've been out of affairs for over
It was nice reading everyone's post to this discussion. Up until a few months ago I had been away from this board for quite some time. It's nice to visit once in a while and try to help others going through the same thing you did. My EMA ended 3 years ago. It was a very difficult thing to get over, and to be quite honest I didn't think I'd ever get over it. However, with the help of this board, friends, and time, I am happy to say that I am FINALLY and completely over it. Once in a while something will remind me of our time together, but it's more of a fond memory now. Kind of like thinking about the fun things you used to do in high school before life got so stressful.
Like many of you, I hope to never find myself in that place again. The pain is too great and the roller coaster ride of emotions is a wilder ride than I can handle now that I'm hitting 40. I look back on my EMA with mixed feelings. For selfish reasons, the EMA made me feel alive again. I'm sorry that people got hurt, but for me personally it has helped shape who I am today. I am now a much stronger person, and am grateful to have had him in my life. OM and I remained so-called friends for a while until he got involved in a serious relationship. Over time, I have felt less of a need to know how he is doing, if he ever thinks about "us", etc...it's just not important anymore.
What is important is focusing on my family and life that I have now. To everyone who has gone through or is going through the painful time of getting over an EMA, my heart goes out to you. If you ever need a nonjudgemental shoulder to lean on, please know that I am always available.
Take care,
Heavyheart
Since I'm mentioned by name, I'm happy to weigh in.
You ask whether coming to these boards ever makes us think too much about the A. I'm years out of my A and therefore emotionally disconnected from it. While my A was instrumental in prompting choices to work on myself, the A itself no longer occupies my thoughts much. The journey afterwards is far more interesting to me.
You further ask: "Does anyone ever feel like they're spending too much time and energy thinking about the A - even if its from the standpoint of being glad its over and lending support to others who are still going thru it????" Someone once likened these boards to a 12 step program meeting. Oldies are reminded by the anguish & struggles of the newbies of the reasons they choose to remain dry or clean while the newbies can see first hand the benefits of getting dry or clean. Works for me.
~LeFeen~