For those whose children found out about the affair.
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| Tue, 05-17-2011 - 4:57pm |
I am struggling with the worst part of all this at the moment, my sons rejection of me.
I moved out of the family home just over a month ago and not long after I told H I was still in contact with xap despite it not having gone physical at that stage. It did go pa once not long after I moved out. My H was doing a lot of research on affairs to give our marriage its best shot and unfortunately didn't clear google history and my son(16) came across the searches.
His initial reaction was as you would expect, anger and hurt, but eventually he started talking to me again although he completely shut his Dad and I out of what he was thinking. Just over the last week he has been distant with me again. Fast forward to yesterday, I noticed he had deleted two comments I had put on his facebook wall. Facebook has been a good way for me to keep track of what is going on in their lives and I chat at night to both my older children this way. I waited for my son to come online and chat to me and my H texted me and asked if I had seen my sons status. I went to look for it and that is when I realised he had deleted me as his friend. My H made him add me again and when I saw the status I was devastated. It went something like 'sleep please take me away from all this'. H tried to talk to him but he has shut down and refuses to talk about it. The only thing I can think of that may have set him off is the fact that for the first time in a while I have been posting on fb but I have kept it very light and I suppose it may look to the kids that I am completely unaffected by what is happening in our lives. I just don't see the point in putting how I am truly feeling but will be posting no more of anything now.
I must admit, I have felt completely numb to my childrens pain in all this and it has only been in the last week I have felt the full impact of what I

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Hello,
First off - i am SO sorry to hear about the hurt your son is going through. It is my worst fear; that my children will learn one day of the actions I took to hurt our family so. i am grateful that I have a stbxH who would never dream of telling them. However, that being said, if they asked or found out, I would be very honest about my actions.
I am unclear why you have left the family home? I think your H would be open to you being present, and if so, it's time to get yourself back into that home and parent your hurting son. As you said, the pain you are experiencing is NOTHING compared to the pain your son is in ... moving home will demonstrate your commitment to your family.
Do the other trusted adults in your sons' life know what has happened? I suggest your H must take a very active role in demonstrating to your son that he has forgiven you ... he will follow the lead of the parent he trusts the most. The parental relationship right now trumps your relationship. Working together to put your son's needs first will demonstrate to your son that regardless of the hurt that you have caused, you are a united front and his needs are going to come before any one else's. That said, this isn't a free ticked to treating you with dis-respect. It's time to re-establish boundaries and step back into your role as mother - without apology or asking permission. You just DO.
I know the shame you speak of. I caused indescribable pain to my children through my (in)actions in the affair ... it is by far the worst pain & shame I have ever experienced.
My best to you,
TU.
Hi Ready,
By your name I am wondering if you mean moving on with or without your H?
You said "I moved out of the family home just over a month ago and not long after I told H I was still in contact with xap despite it not having gone physical at that stage. It did go pa once not long after I moved out."
Did you move out because H found out or what?
I can only imagine how awful it must feel to wake up to the harm you have caused to your kids while in the fog of the A. Sure puts everything else in perspective doesn't it?
It's great that your son has other trusted adults in his life. They will help him to get through this, and it may help if at least one of them is aware of exactly what is going on at home and your concerns for him.
As for what you can do, I think that right now your actions will speak louder than your words. What opportunities are there for you to show how much you care? Can you attend his sporting events? Be home for dinner with the family every night? Attend to any tasks he had asked you to help with that got brushed off while you were in the A? (my daughter is much younger than your son, but it meant so much to her when I finally mended the hole in her favourite blankie after months of saying "not now" because I was hooked to my phone or email)
I think you should also assume that his behaviour will regress or result in increased risk taking for a while. Even if he has been perfectly fine being left alone at home in the past, I would try to make sure he has someone nearby and available to talk to (but not right in his personal space) for the next month or so.
And finally you should make sure you are prepared to answer his questions sensitively and honestly whenever he feels ready to talk. (Maybe you could even leave him a handwritten note to say how much you love him, how much you regret the pain you have caused, and that you are ready to talk whenever he is?)
Thinking of you and wishing you patience and calm.
Kat
Just to clarify, when I left home it was because I thought I did not want my marriage. (My H knew I was unhappy and after a large arguement I pushed until finally he said this isn't working). When I initially moved out, it was only meant to be for a week so we could 'have breathing room' but I saw it as a way to finally have my freedom. I could be friends with whoever I wanted which allowed me to have the contact I wanted with xap. I had no intention at that stage of breaking contact. The first week after I had moved out my H said to me something wasn't adding up and that is when I revealed I was still in contact with xap (H thought I broke it off months earlier when I was caught out in the early stages). I was very cold towards my H and didn't allow him to break through to me at all in the first two weeks I moved out. For the first time I was living on my own and doing what I wanted. (We married when I was 19 and up until then I had lived with my parents who still gave me curfews up until I was married). I am the first to say, I have been very selfish over this last month. After I slept with the OM, the guilt really set in. One night I was sitting at the table with my H after I had dropped home my youngest and he asked me outright if I had become physical with xap. I was honest and that is when my thought process began to change.
Instead of anger and rage, he calmly told me he loved me but he would not sit back and allow me to keep hurting him and our family. So he told me, I had two weeks to bc (Which I was already starting to want to do), I had to go to therapy weekly and deal with stuff that I should have a long time ago and I was to continue to stay with the friend I am currently residing with. If I broke any of those there would be no hope of reconciliation. He said I was to be honest about contact with xap as I could not hurt him anymore then I already had but if it goes beyond the two weeks, I have to be prepared to face the consequence of that. He has made it very easy over the last week for me to soften towards him and allow the idea that we could truly have a great marriage(although I do worry over the fact that the feelings I felt towards my H may not come back but my therapist said it is normal to feel that way after an affair).
I just spoke to him (it is morning here in Australia) and I told him what the previous posters said about me returning home. He is very reluctant as he has gotten the kids into a good routine and is worried about them seeing me emotional over the next few weeks. We have mc on friday and he said we will ask what they suggest. All I know is I am really committed to nc, I am not fooling myself that it will be easy and everything is going to be all roses and sunshine between my H and I once I return home, but both of us agree that our number one priority has to be the kids and what is best for them now. I know it is to have their mother home but I had a breakdown a few years back and that was not good for them to see, my middle child gets quite anxious when she sees me emotional, so I have to be very upbeat around her. So still not sure what to do, just sure that I want to give my marriage its best shot, I want my kids to feel secure again and I want to stay in NC with xap.With the nc one I am well and truly armed, thanks to this site but the other issues I am at a loss on where to start.
Iamnumberone - I moved out just over a month ago, I revealed the affair had gone pa to my husband almost two weeks ago and I am in my first week of NC. In my H eyes, a month starts from this week.
I have kids around the same age as your son - and it is hard. My kids knew about my A for a little while before I openly talked to them about it (by then I had ended). I wanted them to know how sorry I was, and what I was doing to fix it. While my M was not fixable (we had talked about D even before my A), I can relate to needing space to figure things out. It's hard when in the midst of your own pain, you have to put your kids first.
It sounds to me like your son definitely could use some counseling both independent of you - and as a family unit. Kids tend to blame themselves when parents fail them. Repairing your relationship is going to take some real honesty, some hard work, and some follow through. You've broken the "trust" - you know the authority that you hold as a parent. I don't know how close the two of you were before- but in my experience, it was harder on my boy than my girls.
I agree with one of the previous posters who said - go home. You can't work on anything, including healing if you are sitting outside of your home wallowing in you pain. Reinvesting in your home, your kids, your relationship with the H - all of those need your presence. EVEN if you decide further down the road to D.
The fact that you are actively aware of pain and suffering to your kids is a good sign that you CAN feel and put them first. Go home. Stop hiding outside of your home and address things as they come. When the xH left (I ended my M and my A at the same time) I initiated a family counsel night - (Sundays for us) where ANY family member could say whatever they wanted without threat of punishment. There are rules tho - no yelling, no criticizing someone else's feelings, no saying what they think is wrong with what you say or what they say. AND it has to be 100% honest. He is old enough to be treated as a young adult.
For me, I came fully clean. I told them who he was, how we reunited (he was my first serious love in high school) and I told them that I realized my behavior was wrong. Grown ups screw up too. And then I told them what I was doing to make sure it ended - I told them his phone number so that if he called our landline, they wouldn't pick it up. (I suppose too they could have called him, but none of them did). I changed my cell number and evenutally got rid of my landline all together since they all have cells too. I cut my FB time WAY down, cleaned off my friend's list for any mutual friends. I showed them how to set up filters in email so they could see that I had closed all the doors. AND THEN - the hard work came. I had to choose to reinvest in real life. I had to purposefully keep myself busy so I didn't end up wallowing. I didn't grieve in front of them - I kept my tears to private places like the shower and when I really needed to cry, I allowed myself to cry too. Because of my faith, I also had to endure discipline to happen at church, to confess to my clergy, to go through a church court process, counseling, and I had to actively attend meetings even tho I was treated like a Pariah. I had to walk in every sunday with a smile plastered to my face, my head up - even tho most of the congregation knew. I came full circle eventually - worked through everything my clergy asked me to. I realized that not only did I forgive him, but my xH, and most of all - myself. Now I attend church because of the gospel, not the people.
Kids have a put up or shut up mentality. SHOW by action that he is important - that you love him, that you are sorry. PROVE by your actions that you ARE making changes and not just waiting an allotted amount of time because it is what you agreed to. WORK on your relationships at home and stop renting headspace to what was a FICTITIOUS, deceitful, lying relationship that could go nowhere.
Or don't.
You can do this - but you have to choose it.
First of all, I am so very sorry that you and your family are going through all of this pain.
HI Ready-
I too had to confess to my church, not just to the clergy but in front of the entire congregation.
Hi RTMO,
I can address this from a child's perspective since my dad had an A and my parents subsequently separated for 7 years. I am going to respectfully
Hi Ready,
A warm welcome to EAS.
Yes my children found out about my A. They were present during D-day and overheard a lot of what my H said before he left our home. At the time, my son was 11 and my daughter was 17 (just a few weeks before her 18th B-day). There are pros and cons to your children knowing.
I have a lot that I’d like to respond to in your thread but first I have a few questions that would help me have a better understanding of your circumstances.
Does your son know about the agreement between you and your H that you need to be one month NC before returning to the home? Not that I believe he should know as this is a R issue and does not concern him directly. It’s just that you indicate that much of the details have been discussed while your children where present or at least happened upon by one of them. So I was wondering if your son was also privy to that info.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
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