For those wondering "Why?"
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| Wed, 01-12-2005 - 12:41am |
This may not apply to everyone, but I sort of had an epiphany in therapy today and wanted to share...
Lately I have been struggling with why it seemed so easy for xOM to get over me. I wonder why he hasn't tried to contact me since our last chat (1 month tomorrow). I wonder if he thinks about me when he hears our song, I wonder if he thinks about me when he sees a car like mine, I wonder if he thinks about me when he goes to Starbucks (a usual hangout of ours), etc, etc. I spoke w/T about this today and here is what she said (a little excerpt from our conversation):
T: "First of all, you are not him. You are not there with him and do not know what he is doing/thinking/feeling. You are wasting energy that should be put back into your M."
D: "I know that you are right, but it just makes me feel so used that he was able to get over me so quickly."
T: "Since you are so concerned w/ how xOM is feeling, did you ever think about how used he might feel?"
D: "Huh?"
T: "You knew xOM loved you and wanted to be with you, and you told him you felt the same way about him. BUT did you do anything to show it? What I mean is, did you leave H for xOM?"
D: "Well....no, but xOM didn't give me a chance."
T: "Really? When did xOM first tell you he loved you and wanted to marry you?"
D: "The end of May."
T: "And when did xOM break up w/you?"
D: "The beginning of August - right after I came back from a 2 week vacation to London w/H."
T: "Hmmmm...So a little over 2 months, during which you were still very much engaging in marital activities w/H, wasn't enough time? In whose eyes?"
BAM!!! LIGHTBULB!! BELLS & WHISTLES!!! I spent so much time being upset about how xOM hurt me, I didn't stop to think that maybe I hurt him too. Anyway, I'm working on getting over it and I think I took a small baby step tonight. Yay for me!
Diva
Edited 1/12/2005 1:37 am ET ET by actressdiva

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Thank you so much for sharing. It really made me think when I read your conversation with your T. I know we have talked before about how our situations were kind of similar with single OM and us being married. I hope things are getting a bit easier for you. ((HUGS))
C
Thanks Soul -
I think after yesterday, they will start to get better. I've really been struggling with the "why's" lately. I think I'm finally ready to let that go and put my energy back into my M.
Hope you are doing well!!
Diva
Diva,
Thank you so much for sharing this! I just ended things with OM two days ago and it's been really hard. I finally decided to end the A, knowing it was the right thing to do and also because I was mad at him because I couldn't get a hold of him last week when I really needed to talk.
But after reading what you wrote, I realize that I have been the absolute selfish one. Like you, I am married and have been in an A with a single man. I have always put my M first and my H first and only talk to him when I am alone. When I talk to him, I tell him all the stuff I do with H and have told him how my marriage has improved ever since I met him. I never really thought about what I said or thought about how he feels about what I say....it actually just dawned on me that I haven't been considerate of his feelings.
But regardless, I shouldn't have gotten myself in this A in the first place so it's all my fault and I only have myself to blame.
Thank you for letting me see things clearly. I think I'll be able to handle this break up a lot better going forward.
Lost.
Lost -
Glad I could help. The epiphany was a total wack in the head for me yesterday! Get this - I would be w/xOM and H would call and I would be so sweet and nice on the phone and say I love you before I hung up while xOM just sat there! I can't imagine he felt real good about that (espcially then when I would leave him and say the same thing).
I remember the last show I was in in November - xOM told me he wanted to come see it. I told him H would be there Friday & Sunday so the only day he could come would be Saturday. Needless to say, he didn't show up or answer his phone all night. I was so pissed! Then I talked to a friend of mine who is single and knows about the A - she said she didn't blame xOM for showing up. She said he probably still felt like he was playing second fiddle to my H even though the A was over. She was right.
<<>>
It's so hard to take responsibility. I have been playing the victim for 5 months now. My T and I talked about starting to work through some of the guilt I have so that I can finally let go and move on. Good luck to you!! And thanks for posting. It's helpful to talk to others in a similar situation (M and ending A w/SOM).
Diva
Thanks for posting. I can relate. I too am M & my A w/ SOM ended almost a month ago. i've been going over things in my head constantly. I remember showing up a few times at his house when i was mad at my H. He would ask 'What was up?' & i'd tell him i was mad at H or I didn't want to be around H. I wonder if he felt like i was just using him or only wanting to be around him when i was mad at my H. He did tell me once that he felt like a piece of meat. But i figured, he's a guy... what guy wouldn't just want to be in it for the sex? I dunno. I'm just hoping that i'm not the only 1 hurting right now. But then again, i shouldn't be "wasting my energy" thinking about that. And why do i even care anyway? it's not like i loved him. I love my H & am not as concerned as to how he's feeling (we're separating but he doesn't know about A). WHY?!!??! i wish i had the answers.
Diva and bbarj:
It really helps talking with people in the same situation as me. I don't feel so alone. There is no one I can talk to about this as all my friends are close to my H too so no one would understand my situation. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. We are...I just got selfish and greedy....
"And why do i even care anyway? it's not like i loved him."
I am curious....did you ever love your OMs? Or was it just lust/pure physical attraction? I told my OM many times how much I loved him but I don't know if I did. I think I just loved all the attention and affection I got from him. Somedays I feel used, but other days, I realize I used him just as much. I am heartbroken that the A is over but I actually haven't shed any tears...why is that? Is it because deep down I knew it wasn't love???
Hiya AD,
I'm so proud of ya I could just burst. Well done.
Remember this post? http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlending/?msg=15020.5
You're taking those first big steps, AD, and while it's inspiring to others in your shoes, it's also just beautiful to watch you becoming self-aware.
Thanks so much for sharing, poppet.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I know...my OM isn't my type at all as well! He is definitely not "husband" material...he's a "bad boy" type and that's maybe why I was attracted to him. I was also physically attracted to him and he was amazing in bed. We tried stuff I never even thought I would ever do and I loved it. He was the one that brought my sex drive back because my sex life with H was almost non existent before he came along. But ironically, ever since I met OM, my relationship with H has improved greatly and our sex life has never been better.
I am also one that cries during sappy love movies and such. And I have been surprised that I have not shed any tears over this. Makes me wonder if I have a heart too. What is wrong with us? Do we just want things we can't have? Because if I was single, I really don't know if I would have continued on with exOM....because I would be looking for "husband" material.
Posie,
Thanks so much for your kind words. It feels good to finally see some light at the end of the tunnel. I know I'm not *completely* there yet, but I'm on my way.
I remember days when I thought I would never feel *normal* again. I remember all the tears and all the sleepless nights. I still think about him everyday, but I am finally ready to start refocusing on my marriage.
This board has been so helpful to me - thanks so much Posie, for sticking by me and being supportive!!
Diva
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