To those of you who remain friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
To those of you who remain friends
16
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 7:47pm

I've been lurking on this board for a week or two now. It has really opened my eyes!
I have a question to those of you who have remained friends with your AP, how do you do it? Can it really be done?

I've been in this A for 9 months. We were both going to leave our spouses and then changed our minds at the last minute. We were going to work on our M's. We tried to remaind friends, and even spent time out together as couples. Before long we were right
back in the A. Since that time, I have left my H, he kept saying he was going to, and
has now decided to stay. He wants to stay friends again! I don't think I can do that, but I'm wondering how to do that. I'll take any and all advice! I'm very confused. I still want him in my life, but I'm not sure that's really a good thing for me right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 8:10pm

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Sweetie- I think you answered your own question already. If you think you can't do it, then you probably can't. Not now anyway - perhaps in time. I know you want him in your life, but you don't want him in your life as a 'friend' do you?

I'm curious to hear how people do this as well - because I doubt I could be friends w/ my xMM (very, very recently x). The pull is too strong b/w us, even when we're not even speaking in person.

It sounds like you have a lot going on right now in your own life, and I think you should probably try to focus on yourself instead. I know that sounds generic, but it truly will make you stronger (not to mention more attractive) in the end. Even if he does leave his W eventually - you want to have your own life and be strong on your own before you build anything w/ him or anyone else.

I doubt this is what you wanted to hear. It's not what I would have wanted to hear 3 days ago - and I would have kicked my own butt for saying it. :) I tend to think of the A as a drug addiction - and there's no such thing as just being "a little addicted" - not for me anyway.

Good Luck whatever you decide to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 9:16pm

Owl

I have never heard of a woman that has made the FRIENDSHIP thing work with an XAP in every case it either leads back to the affair or a bitter split with lots and lots of pain.

Does he want the friendship this so he can have you as a side dish well he keeps his wife and family intact, this seems to be the case very often when the man wants to have a friendship ??

Only about 5 percent of cheating married men will ever leave there wife for the OW so that is a poor nail to hang your coat on.

Good luck

Free

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 10:44pm

this staying friends topic is continuously being discussed on this board. Trust me, I've been on and off this board over the years to know. I think it really comes down to where we are mentally when it comes to the relationship. Some people really can cut the relationship at the knees and be friends. They no longer lust or love their XAP. They can be "buddies". Then they question why they should even bother being friends. For others, like me, it isn't so easy. I can't do it. Maybe some day down the road I can, but I don't see that happening anywhere in the near future. I dont' know how to love anyone halfway. I wasn't in this for the sex. This wasn't a fling.

Alot of the times people want to stay friends with their AP's because it is a way to maybe leave the door open to some kind of future. Its a way of not letting go. Not a good thing. Before you know it you are back in the A, or worse than that...watching your AP getting on with his life and being successful at it while you eat your liver.

SO, I am not one of those that are going to remain friends....even though my XOM wants me in his life.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 12:31am

I totally agree with

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 12:48am

Thanks for your relpies! It was his idea to try to keep the friendship. I told him that was too hard for me to do. I DON'T want him as just a "friend". It was way more than friendship for both of us. He can't understand why I can't be friends as a way to stay in each others lives. I worry that I'll get sucked into the A again. And frankly, the way I'm hurting now (it's only been a little over a week), I'm not willing to put myself through it.

I told him NC. That lasted 4 days, until he emailed. All that email did was put me back at square one and then I started missing him very badly again. I know in some ways I am trying to keep from letting go. I'm having a hard time accepting "never" as in never seeing him again, or ever talking. Just like quitting smoking, the thought of "never" overwhelms me sometimes and that's when I want to cave.

You guys are great! I got exactly the advice I expected, and what I knew was true and right for me all along. I AM going through a lot, and I have told myself many times that I need this time for me. To find out what I really want for myself as a person. You all confirmed it for me. Thanks so much!

Owl

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 9:58am
Well as you can probably tell I use humor alot in order to deal with things without shooting myself in the head.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:20am

I told him NC. That lasted 4 days, until he emailed.


Owl, you left off the most important part of why NC failed.

Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:43am

Very simple. Tried being friends with my xMM, convinced myself that it could work while everyone here knew better and tried to tell me it wouldn't. I didn't accept it until I ended up back in the A again without even realizing it. The "friendship" was just too emotional. If the feelings for the other person are still strong, I don't think you can be just friends. I do believe, however, that after time passes, and you no longer have romantic feelings for him, that you can rekindle a "friendship only" relationship. I am good friends with almost all of my x boyfriends and even my old xMM. (Not this one). But I have NO emotional feelings toward them and after a lot of time with NC had passes, I often wondered what I saw in them in the first place. I wonder if I'll ever think that of my MM now? Sure doesn't feel like it yet!!

Best of Luck!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 1:06pm

Pal -

I agree that in time it's possible. I recently ran into a few ex's of mine when I was back in my hometown, and I felt NOTHING - it was great.

I think that too many of us want to stay 'friends' because we're hoping for more (even if we don't realize it). If the person is truly that important to you, and you can imagine being friends with them down the road, then, that doesn't go away over time. You can walk away and give yourself YEARS if that's what you need. I've rekindled friendships that were dormant for many, many years, so I know it's possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 3:31pm

Well, an update to that "friend" situation. I have emailed with MM some today, and asked if would meet me so that I could say goodbye in person. He didn't want to do that because he says he doesn't want to say goodbye. That he would never let us end up in the A again.
I told him the only way to make sure that doesn't happen is to end it all now. So I told him goodbye in an email.

I know that whether we like it or not, it's the right thing to do. His W has known about me for a very long time, and it's time to think about her for once. I hope he really works on his M this time. I think that will be easier to do if I'm not around.
I know it's the best thing for me too, even though he doesn't agree.

I also know that by trying to keep the friendship, I am also trying to keep alive any hope that he might change his mind. (even though deep down I always knew he would never leave). I'm sure in time, I will be able to be friends with him again, without all the romantic feelings. And when the time comes for that, I'll know it.

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