To those of you who remain friends
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| Sat, 12-04-2004 - 7:47pm |
I've been lurking on this board for a week or two now. It has really opened my eyes!
I have a question to those of you who have remained friends with your AP, how do you do it? Can it really be done?
I've been in this A for 9 months. We were both going to leave our spouses and then changed our minds at the last minute. We were going to work on our M's. We tried to remaind friends, and even spent time out together as couples. Before long we were right
back in the A. Since that time, I have left my H, he kept saying he was going to, and
has now decided to stay. He wants to stay friends again! I don't think I can do that, but I'm wondering how to do that. I'll take any and all advice! I'm very confused. I still want him in my life, but I'm not sure that's really a good thing for me right now.

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Well said Owl...you are taking a very mature and selfless attitude towards the whole situation.
Undone,
I think that's what my MM is trying to do too. He wants it his way, or no way. And then tells me that I'm calling the shots! LOL! Yes, we have a friendship, even without the sex that was different than any other I've ever had. He says that's where we differ, that he can work on his marriage and still be friends with me. I can't make him understand that it's not possible. He swears he would never do anything like that to hurt me or his W again. Whatever! I know how strong those feelings and that pull are. We've been there done that! I was looking for a way to end this without hard feelings because we've meant a lot to each other. I'm starting to see now, that no matter how mature I thought he was, (and I guess really how mature can anyone be that gets caught up in an affair) he really isn't, I know if that was him telling me he didn't want to see or talk to me anymore, I would go. With the rest of my pride and dignity. Of course it helps that I'm the one wanting to end all contact. But I would never try to hang on to someone that didn't want me. I've always told him that, and now I guess I'm ready to prove it.
I have been trying the NC thing off and on for most of the last month. Everytime I do it, I get stronger and more sure of myself. It felt good to be doing the right thing for a change today and telling him goodbye. Even if he did reply to that email saying he's never said he wanted me out of his life. I don't remember asking him what he wanted this time! I have offered many times to go away, and he didn't want that. This time he's going to have to deal with it. It's what I want, and what I know is right. And yes, if his marriage fails, at least I know I won't be directly responsible for it.
Owl
I am new here too, infact about 3 days on this board. Remaining friends eventually ends up in starting over with the A again eventually, at some point. BUT If you want to remain friends maybe you should not meet up personally for a long while, maybe just on the phone or internet chatting. I am just speaking my mind, dont take any offence and think i am being harsh ok?
It has happened with me too, that firm decision that we make NEVER to end up in bed with the OM again, and then, we do just that. Which sets you back ten times and keeps you available for him whenever he needs you. I am on the borderline at the moment, of breaking up and keeping the A going because this same thing is happening to me but with support frm this board I think I will go to the break up for sure.
If he wants to remain friends, say OK but dont let him take advantage of you because you have left your H and are very vulnerable, so you may tend to lean on the OM more than you want to, leading to him having the best of both worlds .. you and the S
Trish
You said it Owl. I even said to XOM the last time we really "talked" that he has been the one making all the decisions for us and making up the rules and now it was my turn to make some decisions and take the time to figure out what I WANT. Of course what I want is HIM, but I need to start thinking about what is good for ME. I am not going to sit home and wait for his once in a while "phone call" and I'm certainly not going to sit around and wait for his visits. I'm not here to feed his ego anymore. His ex wife once described him as a jeckyl and Hyde and I have to agree.
Anyway back to your situation, you really have a firm grip on things. If your XMM really wanted to work on his marriage then he would know deep in his heart that a friendship is really out of the question. I think he just wants to keep the situation under control and still have the best of both worlds.
Jazzdiva
After reading this thread I realized my own motives for staying friends with my OM.
He told me on Thanksgiving that he "couldn't do this anymore."
I did alot of soul searching and thought I had come to a point where we could be friends.
We talked on the phone Friday and Saturday. But like I said, I now realize what I'm hoping for is one of two things....maybe even both. I'd like to have the upper hand. He's the one who said good-bye and I would've rather been the one...to maintain some dignity. But two, I see now that I really would like to keep the A, only change the relationship.
Reality is this A was/is wrong!!!! I cannot be friends with him...at any level. Not now, not later....it's been 15 years since we broke up as BF/GF. The affair started b/c we both have feelings for each other(it only lasted 8 weeks).
Friends with him just isn't possible...man, I hate that! I really do love him.
~Baby
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