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thought I was getting there
| Wed, 02-17-2010 - 5:33pm |
Just when I thought I was approaching indifference, here I go again, feeling sad today.
| Wed, 02-17-2010 - 5:33pm |
Just when I thought I was approaching indifference, here I go again, feeling sad today.
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Could ;-),
Honey, no one reaches indifference this quickly. How long has it been now? You aren't even a Tweener yet, are you? Sorry if I don't remember your time line, but I know you haven't been here too long.
It took me well over a year to even dip my toes into the indifference pool. There is just too many memories infiltrating our peace of mind, especially if you still see him at work. Give yourself a break.
The dream was probably brought on due to the argument with your H. XMM was your escape when you were upset or needed a shoulder to lean on, so he stepped up in your dream. He may have once been your Go-To guy but you and all of us know where that got us. :(
Hang in there, CSN. You made it through the day so now go make up with hubby and maybe you'll have a much nicer dream tonight. ;-)
((Hugs))
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
yah, yah... no. I _thought_ I'd reached indifference, after 3.5 months out, but noooo way. total let down, too. I was 'there' for all of a week before I crashed. I think we all expect things to happen too quickly. It takes time to heal, and I have to trust that it happens slowly for a reason.
You're doing great so far - just keeping up NC is huge. Pat yourself on the back and move on with courage and patience.
xo
Dee
Hey CSN- I am sorry if you've covered this in another post, though I don't recall reading it, but how long have you been married and how are you and your H doing? I find that any small setback with my H usually sends me into a tailspin and inevitably thinking about xap- because as iddy said, they were our escape. Just wondering if your moods are more affected by arguments with H than in the past. I find this to be true. My emotions are often right on the edge, so if something (even something little) goes "wrong," it sends me spinning.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
My H and I have been married almost 20 years. He does not know about my A, but we have had some serious issues during the 3 years of my A (and some horrible fights!). I was contemplating leaving him last summer. Things are better now, since I ended my A and have been devoting myself to working on my M. But you are right, when there is an argument I am devastated, probably because I want to go running to someone and XAP is no longer there to run to. My moods are absolutely affected more by arguments now than they were before my A. I think it has something to do with fearing that an argument will result in the end of my M. Our argument last night was very brief, and over by the time we went to bed, but it still affected me. I have a lot of guilt over the A and part of me feels I don't have the right to become annoyed with my H about anything, that I owe him something. I'm hoping we can return to the style of arguing we had before I made this mess of my life. During an argument I cry so much more easily than I did before. I just want to be able to argue a little more objectively and not have it send me into the tailspin you describe.
Thanks for responding!
CSN
CSN
This is my third (and best) attempt at ending my A. Looks like we ended pretty close to the same time. I need to try not to expect too much of myself. Maybe it will take a year to reach indifference, maybe longer, but I will get there. Thank you for your positive thoughts. Maybe XAP won't haunt my dreams tonight.
Could & Seem we all seem to have ended our affair in December (Mine ended 12/09).
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
CSN,
For those that know my situation, having broken NC, I am not going to comment on aspects of your A, other than to say that I admire your courage and determination. Even as I struggle get to the end, I am moved by the courage displayed on this board.
I did want to comment on something you said though; in a context independent of an A.
<< I have a lot of guilt...part of me feels I don't have the right to become annoyed with my H about anything, that I owe him something>>
I don't know if you are in IC, but I learned something in IC (earlier in my life) about guilt that might help you. If you are in IC, it may be something to explore with your T.
I had a situation in my life, a car accident, that left me feeling a lot of guilt. The circumstances were fairly serious and the guilt over it consumed me; I was constantly struggling with trying to make things right, trying to find away to move forward and to let go of the feelings that I carried with me. It was horrible. I was constantly beating myself up...it caused me a great deal of stress ( which manifests itself in so many ways..loss of appetite, weight-loss, anxiety and panic attacks ) and was affecting my relationships with friends and loved ones.
Guilt is a misplaced emotion; it's anger turned inward. The person we offended or hurt may even have forgiven us (or may not know of our transgression), but we haven't forgiven ourselves. If you think about what you wrote, in some ways your guilt is continuing to affect your relationship with your H (think about how you argue with him); guilt does that. As we struggle with out internal anger, the guilt creates distance between us and others. Guilt makes it hard for us to move forward; how can we move forward when we are beating ourselves up? Have you tried to forgive yourself for the decisions you have made and to be gentle with yourself in understanding why and the hurt that it resulted in?
When we let go of guilt, it's not to say that we shouldn't have regrets for our actions. This is very much where my emotions were confused. It is important for us to feel regret when we make poor decisions that result in hurt and pain in others (or ourselves). We have to acknowledge that if we are to learn and make changes in our lives. The difference between guilt and regret, is that regret provides room for understanding. When we let go of the anger that we direct at ourselves, regret provides us with the opportunity to change. This is similar, I think, to posts from others suggesting that we must accept our roles in an A and our actions. This is critically important for personal growth, but it isn't necessary to continue to be angry at ourselves. Letting go of that anger, forgiving ourselves, opens up a pathway to stronger relationships with others.
Think of it this way...
When we learn to treat ourselves with kindness, we are better able to treat others with kindness.
Good luck in your continued efforts to move forward and be good to yourself.
MPV
BTW...I still regret the circumstances that lead to this car accident. I have forgiven myself, but I will never forget. It continues to help me to make much safer decisions when I get behind the wheel.
(I beg everyone's forgiveness for commenting on this post)
Edited 2/18/2010 12:18 am ET by malepov
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