Thoughts about telling my H

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Thoughts about telling my H
12
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 1:53am

It's been a long time since I posted here. Long-time A ended and I have been extremely LC with XMM for over a year. LC happens because he is a member of a friend group we have and we have to see each other sometimes. This year only twice so far. He has fished a few times, but I "blocked and walked" a year ago.

Rather than waste any more of my valuable time talking or thinking of XMM (sanctimonious jerk)... My question concerns my relationship with DH. This is a wonderful man who would do anything for me (I think). He was suspicious of this other person during my A but I always denied it. Now that it has been over for so long, I find it is difficult to really be close emotionally with H.

A friend of mine is urging me to confess it all to him. This person is religious and says I need to "confess" my sins so that they are out in the open and only then can H and I have a happy, healthy marriage. I have doubts. I don't want to dump my "junk" on him just so that I can feel better. But maybe she's right and I need to "feng shui" my life (if there is such a thing)...

Other friends say don't do it. It will hurt him. It could make matters worse. Maybe he would never trust me again. Maybe he would leave.

I want to do what is best for H and my M. I know the A was wrong. I was wrong and made bad choices. I just want it to get better now... not worse. I want to do the right thing.

I am certain there must be much discussion on this topic here somewhere. Can anyone offer advice or direct me to a previous discussion on this topic.

Thank you very much and my best wishes to all of you here. *Getting out of the A is the best thing you can do for yourself! Going NC/LC is critical to your health and well-being. Take it from someone who thought she was going to die without hearing from "he who shall remain nameless" every day with that all-important ego boost of affirmation. He is not worth it! Choose life rather than an empty life-draining relationship!!!

Amfree


Amfree


"Go confidently into the direction of your dreams! Live the life you always imagined."


~Henry David Thoreau


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 3:25am

Hi F2bM


You are right, I think you will find there are two very

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 4:32am

Dear Amfree,


I remember you from my lurking days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 7:42am

Hi AF


Unless you are riddled with guilt and are desperately needing to get this off your chest, I wouldn't tell your H.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 7:55am

I am a male. I am giving you a MPoV,


It is a rare man that would be willing to hear this from his wife, without being hurt, deeply, and maybe ending your marriage. It would also be an extraordinary woman who accept this.


I can see where if you were in need of help, in breaking away from your A and you needed him there to support you that it might be ok.


I have been on both sides of this A issue.


Now that it has been over for so long, I find it is difficult to really be close emotionally with H.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 8:59am

I will give you another POV from someone who told their DH and our M is in a much better state because of it. Part of the reason we were able to have an A is that we distanced ourselves from wonderful men and gave the OM better s*x than our DH could ever imagine. I did things with OM that before I confessed to DH would be considered call girl action (sorry if TMI). When I finally confessed to my DH (which was harder than anything I have done) we were able to rebuild and I have brought my entire self into my M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 10:05am

First of all, Congratulations on being A-free for a year and thank you for your inspirational message.

You didn't say if you were in IC or MC so that is the first thing I'd want to know and what I would suggest first if you are not. A T can help you sort out your motivation to disclose this A, and if you decide to tell, can help you work out a safer and healthier gameplan for doing so. Only you know you H, though, so you'd have to ask, "would he want to know?" A hypothetical conversation with my H years ago told me that he'd forgive me if that is what I wanted, but that he'd rather not know and just have me 'fix' my problem, and ours, and move forward none the wiser. There really are two very distinct camps on tell or don't tell, and they hardly ever met in the middle. I, however, think that every situation is unique and that only the people in the M know what is best for them. Motivation, again, is the key factor.

If you're having trouble connecting to your H a year after the A, I think you'd have to take a really long, hard look at whether you and he have put in the work to reconnect, or if you've just been surviving (not thriving) post-A. I am 9 months out (today!) and the connection between my H and I is better but still not strong. I still have my own issues to work on and I have not had the strength to address the M as aggressively as I'd like. The lack-luster result is evident. However, things are not 'bad', like they were before, and I now do see hope - whereas before I saw nothing but 'more of the miserable same'. I hope you will be patient and methodical about what you will do next in your M.

Wishing you all the best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:24pm

Thanks everyone!

First, yes, I have been in IC for nearly 3 years. Once every two weeks at first and now once every 3 months or so. It seems like I do much better for longer periods of time and then an issue comes up that I have to deal with in order to progress further. I guess this is one of those stretching times.

There are two issues that I am struggling with. First of all, I really do not want to disclose this to H. He's a good man with great qualities and I would rather not dump on him. I want the marriage to work and I worry that he wouldn't be able to handle the "duration" of the relationship.

Second, my XMM was a ministry leader at our church. He was in a position of authority over me. This relationship was mostly about power... him maintaining it over me. He has moved on to another church now and another large ministry position. I struggle with the fact that he is probably grooming more women for his ego driven needs.

Those two conflict... Then I have religious friends who say I must tell... while non-religious friends say leave it alone and move on.

Thank you for all of your opinions and support as I wrestle with all of this. I wish I had never met this man-child.


Amfree


"Go confidently into the direction of your dreams! Live the life you always imagined."


~Henry David Thoreau


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 12:44pm

AmFree,

I am not surprised that the two camps seem to be divided between the religious and the non-religious, however, that is not always the case. Have you spoken to a church leader/counselor about this? Although I don't think it's a good idea for you to focus on this JAM's goings-on nor the women he could be taking advantage of, I can totally see why you'd feel torn about the subject.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 4:12pm

Dear All,

It has taken me several days to process this. I thought of the "golden rule": do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So I thought about that. What would I really want if roles were reversed. It's a tough question and I hope I was honest with myself.

I decided that if this was something my H did and it was over, I would rather not know. If he ended it, if he recommitted himself to our M, if he stayed away from the other person, if he went to counseling, if he had same-sex people who talked to him and held him accountable... I would not want to know. I would want him to be moving forward and not have self-loathing.

If this was something he couldn't tear himself away from, if it was an addiction he couldn't break... then I would want to know.

My A was over a long time ago. I am no longer addicted. I walk in freedom. There were many years I didn't know if that would ever be the case, but through counseling and friends who listened and spoke the truth to me, I have made it to the other side. I am on the other side, everyone!!!!!!!

I have read recent posts to this site and I am sad when I remember how low I was and how I lied to myself. I thought I was different. I thought XAP loved me. He didn't. He is a liar. The only one who really loves me is my DH and I want to do whatever it takes to move FORWARD in our relationship.

Thanks everyone for helping me work through this. I would love to hear from others who have an opinion about whether or not they would want to know.

Moving forward in integrity,
amFREE!!!!!!!


Amfree


"Go confidently into the direction of your dreams! Live the life you always imagined."


~Henry David Thoreau


Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 2:58pm

Hi amfree,


Here are a couple of links to threads that discuss telling or not:



    

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