Thoughts Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thoughts Please
13
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 9:42am
Looking for some words of encouragement I guess…

I sent my MM a note 3 weeks ago – just after telling him (through email – most of our contact was through email) that I needed to go back to being just friends.

He said he would accept whatever I decided, said he expected to get a note like that from me. (We only had intimate contact a couple of times but have been friends and flirting for over 3 years. I’ve known him for 6.) And I was never very comfortable with cheating on my H. In fact, I resisted for several months.

Anyway, I let him know how I felt about everything. He knows this was the first time I had ever done anything like this, but I am not so sure about him. Once he asked me what he could say to make me believe he wasn’t just going to move onto someone else after me and I told him ‘I don’t think there is anything you can say’. (My reason being he is lying to his wife – how can I get past that? And, he never told me that he had never done anything like this before. To me its kind of lying-by-omission.)

So I explained to him that I did this because of the passion I felt with him. Told him that I don’t want to think that he is going to go through his marriage cheating on his wife. (He kissed me when they first got engaged 2 years ago.)

He never answered my note. And I had sent another little ‘good luck’ wish to him at work.

Do you think he’s pissed at me? I know that I can’t contact him again. I am prepared to wait ‘til hell freezes over! I would write again but if he doesn’t answer that one I would feel even worse. I’ve told him before how I don’t like silences (from him.) And if I see him at work, I don’t even think I can say ‘hi’ because I have no idea where his head is at.

It’s just very hard to have spilled your guts and then get no response back. He’s never been one to write very long emails, but I really thought I would get some type of answer from him.

Does anyone have any thoughts? I really do think he’s a good guy – I just think he’s mad at some of the things I may have implied. I am hoping he will eventually send me something because I don’t want our friendship to be over.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 9:57am
My initial thought, from personal experience and from everything I've seen people go through here, is that the friendship was over the moment you crossed the line into the realm of intimacy... As you can read here time and again, it is nearly impossible to go back to a real friendship after the A ends.

You are smart to keep up the NC now, even if he does eventually contact you! Don't allow yourself to waste time worrying about what he is thinking or feeling anymore. If you are dwelling on that, how can you move ahead? Expend that energy on yourself, and your H, instead so you can truly get on with your life and get out of limbo land! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 1:21pm
I am experiencing the same situation and I fully understand what you are going through. I too sent a good-bye email and then (unfortunately broke NC) sent him a friendly email (asking how he was doing and if we can stay friends) 2.5 months later...and got NO answer from him. The frustration started again and the pain too...I wish I did not send this second email but now it is too late and you cannot do anything but lessen the pain as much as you can.

I too wanted back the friendship but his silence finally means that he doesn't want to. Katie is right: we stopped being friends the day we crossed the line. I thought I missed his friendship but I realize now that what I miss most is the (daily) emotional contact, the excitement and fun to be with him.

It has been 4 months now and I am still struggling. I spent days and nights wondering what he is doing, if he still thinks about me, if he is happy with his wife and asking why, why this torturing silence. We had sincere feelings for each other and then he had to move away so he kept being silent from then. I am hurt that he doesn't want to be friend with me, telling myself that now that we can't see each other, he is no more interested in me, that he was interested in just one thing. It took me a while to realize that his silence doesn't mean that he doesn't care for me, that he did that because it is best for us, that he doesn't want to show that he is weak or vulnerable. He also is not the type of guy that writes long emails and he barely shows his feelings. I think he just doesn't know what to say and is still hurting. Also he doesn't want to be reminded that he lost me. He told me that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore.

If you really think about it: if we stay in touch, we will put yourself in a situation where we only can talk to the person we crave for and never can see or touch him. Is it not inflicting yourself more pain? I came to think that if he really cares for me, then he would leave me alone, let me really move on and stop hurting me.

Don't ask yourself why he does not answer (because we all know the answers in our heart and the reason is probably best for both of you) but ask yourself why you want the frustration and pain to go on (ask yourself if you were really, I mean, REALLY happy with him?). Only YOU can find peace with yourself, only YOU can make the choice to move on.

I try not to focus on my mistake (so hard to forgive ourselves!!) but rather just let it go telling myself that I had a nice experience with him and it is now just a good memory (some people never experience this intensity or excitement in their whole life!).

I know, it is so easy to say it than actually live it. I am still fighting this pain and still miss him tremendously. I am writing these wise words to give courage to you ...and me.

Love,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:14pm
Thanks for the advice.

I am trying my best to move on – I don’t know if there will ever be a day that I don’t ‘think of him’ but from what people say, that day does come.

I guess I am just angry that he didn’t give me the type of closure I was looking for. At first I felt like he slammed the door in my face, but now I realize that he just let me walk away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 7:41pm
Self-disclosure from you probably meets his needs -- we all feel good to be on the receiving end of another's emotional sharing. But the self-disclosure makes you feel horrible afterward. Love yourself. Protect yourself. Share only with those who are caring in how they handle your feelings. Don't let him take from you by handing your insides to him on a platter. Keep the good stuff for you and those around you who love you.

And perhaps your friendship should be over...can't imagine staying friends under the circumstances. When I think "friendship," it's only a way of trying to mask the pain of the absence of the relationship and knowing it's over. What kind of friendship can you reasonably have at this point that won't trigger other things -- either more involvement or your own pain?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:53pm
Wrkngwm

If your rebuilding your marriage that is were you need to keep focus obsessing about the XMM is only going to hurt your efforts and take away your time and attention from the man in your life...your husband.

I agree with Katie once you pas that line the friendship is a dead issue and has been replaced with something that only looks and feels like a friendship but it now serves another purpose.

Be glad he has decided to make this relatively easy for you, if NC is broken it will get a lot harder.

Focus on the trully important thing in your life, your family.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 8:35am
I just received a note from XMM that said 'your note really pissed me off'. 'I'm getting better though'.

I should not answer this, right? I already apologized up-front in my note if I said anything that would make him mad. I told him it was not my intent.

Anyway, it's been roughly 3 1/2 weeks since I sent it to him.

I wanted us to stay friends but if he can't 'explain' things to me than I need to just let it go.

I think I'm getting over this. It's still hard but I think I have a good grasp on things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:14am
iv_wrkngwm


"I should not answer this, right?", RIGHT

You can drive a car forward looking out the rear view mirror un less you want to wreck it, keep the eyse of your heart were you want your life to go.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 1:39pm
(((((I try not to focus on my mistake (so hard to forgive ourselves!!) but rather just let it go telling myself that I had a nice experience with him and it is now just a good memory (some people never experience this intensity or excitement in their whole life!).))

Self-forgiveness is the toughest BIGGY in this whole mess. This has to be done before we can forgive anyone else and /or accept what has happened, and how to move past it. The next BIGGY is letting go of the pain. Everytime it starts to hurt, think of walking on the beach, or the smile of a baby, or the softness of a kitten, or whatever peaceful loving image you can conjour up. Eventually, the pain will subside. Not over night, but eventually.

God Speed,

~True~

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 7:56pm
Thanks True for your advice. I am working hard on it. I still can't accept my weaknesses and the reason why I got involved in the A in the first place. Is overanalyzing to understand our behavior good to the healing process (yet we will never be sure of our analysis/answers anyway) or do we have to try to stop thinking about it at all in order to move on. Any thoughts?

Sorry I am kind of confused and desperately want to let it go in a healthy way. I am living emotional ups and downs, so hard to cope with cycles. Sometimes I feel like I am back to day one (4 months NC).

Hugs to you all xxxxxx,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 8:41pm
(((Is overanalyzing to understand our behavior good to the healing processor do we have to try to stop thinking about it at all in order to move on. Any thoughts?)))

We all have different ways to move on. The First time I ended my affair, I did what you are doing. I overanalyzed continuously until the cows came home :) I learned that no matter how you computed it, it always summed up as a "No win situation." We started up again after 9 months. 9 MONTHS! I was so together and the reason I fell from grace again was because I had not moved on in my head and heart during those 9 months. I stagnated, so when the opportunity arrived again, it was just like the yesterday of our ending. I tripped over my half-dead ego/body and fell into the muck again. Telling myself that I was miserable the entire 9 months, and that we were certainly meant to be. What I discovered in the replay was that HE had also stagnated, and now here we were, both of us after all of this time, still at square one: neither one of us moved beyond the "deceit, the betrayal to his wife, the fact that there was NO future, the idea that it was OK to continue and WHY NOT, who were we hurting? You name it, we ignored it. SO, another 2 years pass, and slowly I am disappearing. I am struggling against the wind, I am sickened with emotional ailments, I am suffering in silence all over again, I am lying to family and friends...It goes on and on until one day, I am NOTHING! I woke up, looked in the mirror and their was nothing there. I DID disappear. AND, that was the scariest thing I have ever seen.

So, I ended it again...took several months, but I weened myself from his control over me, I told myself I am a surviver, I decided I was worth saving, I developed a conscience and put myself in his wife's shoes if she were to ever find out, and I ENDED IT FOREVER. This time is different because I feel it to my core. He will never have possession of what is mine. My dignity, my integrity, my life. He is still at square one. I am NOT.

I have never looked back....only forward.

I hope that someday you will feel the same. I hope that you will find that self love that is still there, and embrace it.

~True~


Edited 9/2/2004 8:44 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself

 

 

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