Thoughts Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Thoughts Please
13
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 9:42am
Looking for some words of encouragement I guess…

I sent my MM a note 3 weeks ago – just after telling him (through email – most of our contact was through email) that I needed to go back to being just friends.

He said he would accept whatever I decided, said he expected to get a note like that from me. (We only had intimate contact a couple of times but have been friends and flirting for over 3 years. I’ve known him for 6.) And I was never very comfortable with cheating on my H. In fact, I resisted for several months.

Anyway, I let him know how I felt about everything. He knows this was the first time I had ever done anything like this, but I am not so sure about him. Once he asked me what he could say to make me believe he wasn’t just going to move onto someone else after me and I told him ‘I don’t think there is anything you can say’. (My reason being he is lying to his wife – how can I get past that? And, he never told me that he had never done anything like this before. To me its kind of lying-by-omission.)

So I explained to him that I did this because of the passion I felt with him. Told him that I don’t want to think that he is going to go through his marriage cheating on his wife. (He kissed me when they first got engaged 2 years ago.)

He never answered my note. And I had sent another little ‘good luck’ wish to him at work.

Do you think he’s pissed at me? I know that I can’t contact him again. I am prepared to wait ‘til hell freezes over! I would write again but if he doesn’t answer that one I would feel even worse. I’ve told him before how I don’t like silences (from him.) And if I see him at work, I don’t even think I can say ‘hi’ because I have no idea where his head is at.

It’s just very hard to have spilled your guts and then get no response back. He’s never been one to write very long emails, but I really thought I would get some type of answer from him.

Does anyone have any thoughts? I really do think he’s a good guy – I just think he’s mad at some of the things I may have implied. I am hoping he will eventually send me something because I don’t want our friendship to be over.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 12:05am
I've had the same question myself, whether the repeated and deep analysis is helpful. In some ways, it may be good ... I just get sick and tired of thinking about it and begin to WANT to move on. Like everything, however, there's a balance. A little analysis and debate, followed by a lot of engagement in other healthy relationships, a little work and some good play. (If we plant the seeds through our quiet times, our subconscious works on it while we work and play!) But the engagement and activities with others seems to be my focal points at the moment.

Thanks for asking the question...really good one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 10:35am
Thank you True and Soreinside,

It is good to know that you are not alone in all this. I also realize I need to make a FIRM commitment to myself to get through this no matter what. I agree to balance things, it is just that sometimes, I can't even think straight. Well, hope I will improve as everyday goes by. Thanks, your advice and experience are very helpful.

Hugs to you,

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 3:32pm
Hey you - tough, isn't it? I'm ending a 5+ year affair w/ MM. For 2+ years he vowed he was divorced, renting a room from a religious family, hence we could only meet at my place. I'm a widow, we're both in our 50's, his wife is 10 years older. He bought me a house where I still live and is now in my name. He's been a "cheater repeater" for the 20+ years they're married, and recently told her about me! Things are in a bit of an uproar. She wants him home and faithful, he says okay, but keeps coming over to see me for a good time (about 4 times this week). He thinks she'll put up with anything and our affair can continue. I think I'm done with all this lying and cheating.

I've put into effect the NO CONTACT rule, and I hear it's very effective - he'll stop calling/texting soon. It's hard to be alone, but worse to be lied to. Sad thing is, I think he's more honest with me than he is with her - poor soul.

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