Thoughts on Recovery, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2009
Thoughts on Recovery, etc.
4
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 4:24pm

I was thinking today about recovery from an affair and why sometimes it's so very hard to do. Not taking anything away from BSs and all that goes into their discovery and subsequent rebuilding, but with we OP it feels as if it's harder because we can't ask questions and get answers from the one that lied to us. We can't express our anger to them and have them console or reassure us. We don't get the explanations or the eventual enlightenment and recovery. We are left to question all that we considered to be true. When we know some to be lies, we may now believe all to be lies. Where do we find the truth? All the questions we have go unanswered unlike what the rebuilding marital relationship experiences. Every bit of the recovery is ours to do alone with these constant thoughts swimming around in our heads. They haunt your life and are an impediment to healing.

I was doing fairly well until I recently discovered something quite by accident and now feel like many of you here...used, discarded. I know that's not an appropriate way to feel and I'm certain that with more reflection that I will regain the stability I was starting to feel but to say I'm disappointed in xAP would be a severe understatement. I really believed what I was told. Naive, I know - why should my MM be any different? He's JAM - a lying, cheating one at that. Don't think I let myself off easily. I accept my responsibility in all of this but I never lied to him. I did lie to my H, my friends, etc. in order to have this affair but I guess I accepted the axiom "honor among thieves." Foolish me.

Anyone else feel like you have these never-ending thoughts spinning around in your head? Please share.

NewDawn4MLK

No memory of having starred atones for later disregard, or keeps the end from being hard. - Robert Frost

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2009
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 4:41pm

Pains me to say that I understand COMPLETELY :) I also lied to a lot of people during the A, but I was honest in my conversations with xap re: my feelings and my intentions. He was NOT, and that has been a very painful thing to come to terms with.


I also take full responsibility for my part in the A, but it took my T asking me "How long are you going to punish yourself?"... to prod me along in the recovery process. I sort of got stuck...now we're working

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2010
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 6:52pm
Please don't think you are alone-I know I have felt the same things along the way. Alone, with no one to truly open up to except my therapist. One trusted friend, who was also good for a kick in the right direction; but otherwise the rest of my support and strength to walk away came from right here and the wise folks on this board. So, turn here. It is 6 weeks NC and like many I expected to be "recovered", but still find my mind wandering and know I have further to go. So, let's lace our sneakers, pack our bags and walk forward. Everyone is here to help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 7:18pm
Well, many will tell you it's because you don't deserve any answers...you were WRONG, it was all a fantasy, it meant nothing...blah, blah....now, I know affairs are wrong and I should've never put myself in a position to become involved in one...the right way should've been for JAM and I to end our marriages FIRST, then work on US and started of honestly to begin with, but the nonetheless, I do get upset when we are told that are feelings weren't "real" and no one validates our feelings in it all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 01-30-2010 - 9:42pm
Oh, I hear you on this big time.
There may have been moments where I 'lied' to myself, or rather rationalized things. But, I was always truthful to xMM, everything I'd ever said and felt, I meant. I didn't have to lie to my closest friends, they knew everything that was going on and were just as surprised at the ending as I was (well, that mix of surprised/not surprised). There are so many questions I would ask if I could...and yet, deep down I know there are no answers that can heal this wound, nothing that he could say that would make me 'ok', or understand. Today has been a really rough day, might even be worse than my initial day one of NC. I don't know why...but it just feels worse. It's like that recent email he sent that could give Whitney Huston a run for her money on the 'I will always love you' front was worse then the very short out of nowhere goodbye...because, it just leaves so many more questions than anything. It's hard, being this 'early on' and fighting it out between 'I know this is best', but 'it hurts so damn much'...and I want to so badly tell him how much I hurt...but, I know that just opens me up to more hurt because he probably wouldn't care. Or, if he did - nothing he can do about it.
It's been one of those cry off and on for hours nights...I'm pretty exhausted. Time to call it a night I think!
----
'It may be that when we no longer know what to do,
We have come to our real work,
And that when we no longer know which way to go,
We have begun our real journey'
- Wendell Berry