Thoughts running thru my head

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thoughts running thru my head
1
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 10:00am
I recently posted to this board that I ended my 2 yr+ A, with XMM by meeting him and talking and then walking away. Now as a couple days have passed and my emotions are alittle calmer I think back over that day and the past 2+ years. I am feeling a sense of loss because I was so used to him always calling, always wanting to see me, always sayings he's never gonna let go. I think in time this feeling will pass, (really wish it would hurry on by). The last time we were together he tried very hard to get me to have sex before I left him, stating, "if this is gonna be our last time together, can we?". and other lines. I refused because I just knew that if I have give in I would have felt like crap the next day and for who knows how long after that.

I thought I wanted to be his "everything", but looking back, his "everything" would have been more like a convenient piece of cake for his pleasure. Honestly I discovered that I am not as strong emotionally to handle any more of this. (I even thought at one time that I would have liked to have had my cake and eat it too.) And I probably would have gotten away with it for awhile anyway. My husband knows and knew of XMM for a long time. We are very honest and open with each other. But as we all know, good things come to an end at some time.

I tell myself again & again, that I did the right thing. I think my heart just needs to catch up with my head.

I will always have questions in my mind like:

Did he really or does he really love me, like I love him?

Was his heart in this like mine was?

I'll never know the answers, maybe I don't want to know.

I think I just need to find someway to forgive myself for allowing this affair to happen. As my friends say... This was very out of character for me. And I know they are right.

Oh well... Time will heal, and I'll get back to life as it is to be in my little world.

If one day my path crosses with XMM again, and if it was true love in our hearts, just the wrong time in our lives, maybe we could start over, but it would have to be an honest and open relationship. Just like a regular couple.

Thanks for letting me ramble.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 7:05pm
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Although it has been several months since XMM and I "broke up," I still feel an emptiness in my heart. However, I now believe that, since we are both still married, there is no use in continuing on. I too console myself with the thought that maybe one day, if/when he and I are both free and available, we might possibly pick up where we left off. If it is meant to be, it will be.

Good luck to you ~ mpjcmom