Thoughts running thru my head
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| Sat, 01-17-2004 - 10:00am |
I thought I wanted to be his "everything", but looking back, his "everything" would have been more like a convenient piece of cake for his pleasure. Honestly I discovered that I am not as strong emotionally to handle any more of this. (I even thought at one time that I would have liked to have had my cake and eat it too.) And I probably would have gotten away with it for awhile anyway. My husband knows and knew of XMM for a long time. We are very honest and open with each other. But as we all know, good things come to an end at some time.
I tell myself again & again, that I did the right thing. I think my heart just needs to catch up with my head.
I will always have questions in my mind like:
Did he really or does he really love me, like I love him?
Was his heart in this like mine was?
I'll never know the answers, maybe I don't want to know.
I think I just need to find someway to forgive myself for allowing this affair to happen. As my friends say... This was very out of character for me. And I know they are right.
Oh well... Time will heal, and I'll get back to life as it is to be in my little world.
If one day my path crosses with XMM again, and if it was true love in our hearts, just the wrong time in our lives, maybe we could start over, but it would have to be an honest and open relationship. Just like a regular couple.
Thanks for letting me ramble.

Good luck to you ~ mpjcmom