Thoughts on "Waiting"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Thoughts on "Waiting"
6
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 4:14am

Okay ladies, bear with me while I share some thoughts about my recent self discovery. :) I dunno, I might be going off the deep end with this one...here it goes.

Anyway, I have been feeling like something was smoldering under the surface this month. Actually, maybe a little longer than that. I have been working on pin pointing it in my last three therapy sessions and I think I have it figured out.

I mentioned in another post that a childhood trauma (long hospital stay) created some abandonment issues for me. When they get triggered, and "A" dynamics definitely trigger them, I go into a cycle. Anxiety, panic, feeling needy and insecure and I shut down. Well, in my last session, my therapist told me about a study that was done on how children react to being separated from their parents for two weeks or more by a doctor in the 1940's. He studied children in hospitals because back then parents weren't allowed to stay beyond visiting hours. Perfect setting for the study. He noticed that every child reacted the same way with the end result being they would shut down and not talk to their family. I did this too. They each went through the same identical cycle mentioned above. To a "T".

So I see the cycle, where it comes from and understand it...that should be it right? No. Something wasn't sitting right with me and I felt there was something I was missing. It hit me this morning that this cycle occurred because these children, myself included, were looking for a connection so they could feel safe. When they didn't find it they would shut down. It, in a sense, damaged their ability to build a connection.

This is where the "waiting" part comes in. As I look back, I see now that I have always been in a "waiting" pattern. Always "waiting" for the right connection that will help me feel safe. Instead of being proactive and creating that connection in a relationship, I instead took a passive roll and waited for the other person to build the connection. Incredibly unfair of me to expect a person to shoulder that burden alone by the way. That being the case, it makes sense that I would accept less than "stellar" treatment in a relationship. I would sit back and "wait" for the signal that it was "safe" before I started to develop my own life outside of that person. In a sense, I enable "non-commital" behavior and that is a perfect set up for someone who is married or involved with someone else. They can say to me, "wait" or "hold on", it's not safe yet and I will do it! See my point?

Screw that! That is not what I want or need in a relationship. Very empowering to finally see that. And a tremendous relief too. I have been agonizing over this for a least a month and the "tough" love in this forum has helped me figure it out.

Edited for sounding to dang needy. :)




Edited 1/20/2010 7:15 am ET by kilowatt2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 4:30am

Hi Kilowatt,


You can also see how an A would be a fertile situation for a person who had their life set up that way. If xAP did not give you the signals that indicated it was “safe” then you could stay in disconnect and still continue the A in the waiting stage which feels like a comfortable place for you because you are use to it. Also you still had the safety net of your M.


I also have read studies of babies in orphanages where there are not enough adults to take care of the babies. Babies cry to get their needs met and when they realize after much crying that no one will come to meet their needs they shut down and do not cry at all. They basically give up. That reminded me very much of the disconnect and shutting down that you talked about in your post. There is also that whole idea of the developmental trust stage that was just brought up in another forum where I post.


Good stuff. When you figure out how you have your life set up and the “whys” regarding the A, I believe it safeguards (no pun intended) you from going down the A road again. You totally understand why you did it and what you were trying to gain. You make appropriate changes in your life so that you are made whole and never feel like you need someone to feel that void again.


Good stuff! Love it!


Big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 4:39am

Thanks for conveying what I was trying to say so eloquently. Only one correction though, I was a S OW. :) The only safety net I have is myself. Wow, that really illuminates the impact even more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 1:19pm

Wow...you just transported me back to age 3 or 4.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Wed, 01-20-2010 - 10:26pm

Thanks for setting me straight and getting me out of the am posters

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 3:44am

LOL! Thanks again clarity. I told you I was determined. :) I'm tired of those litter "buggers" dictating my life. lol.

Wow...you are an incredibly strong woman! Look at what you went through and where you are today...that's amazing! Definitely an inspiration too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2010
Thu, 01-21-2010 - 3:50am
No problem empowerment. I completely understand. When I finished that post I had exactly two hours to get some sleep before getting up to go to work. UGH! I paid for it all day, but it was definitely worth it! :)