Is the "thrill" an addiction?
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| Sun, 01-09-2011 - 2:32pm |
I know this will have been discussed many times before. I woke up this morning knowing that JAM is back to work and will in all likelihood contact me. I can't lie - my immediate response was a physical flip of my tummy, those excited little butterflies started milling about, flapping their not-so-colourful wings - and on one level - the logical one - I know that this is crazy, but on the other it is still present.
I have thought a bit about this and I have the idea in my head that if he wasn't about, my life might - no, not might, WOULD - look pretty damn bland.
Now I'm not entirely thick and I know full well that if it does look like that, it's up to me to damn well fix it! And I believe it IS fixable too - once I find alternatives to this internet A that seems to call me like a siren song to the computer every day. I certainly don't think it's insurmountable. I know that this, too, shall pass. I have already taken the step of asking work to increase my hours, because when I am there I don't give him a second thought, and as well as that I absolutely love my job anyway.
So anyway (rambling again) is it an addiction? I once read the pain of ending an A like this (long-distance, emotional only) is not actually an indicator of the depth of love, but the strength of the addiction.
The other thing that sometimes comes as a big surprise to me is if someone at work (I work in law enforcement, those boys look kinda hot in their uniforms...) is friendly to me, in a "you look cute" kind of way, I forget about JAM in a flash. Like, in an instant.
Which of course (more rambling) brings up the issue of why I need to be adored by the opposite sex. What a load of crock. I think it's because that's where I've always had my validation from? Oh gawd, who knows. Off to a therapist I go!!!
Love
LL:smileyvery-happy:

LuLU *I love your name!!!! have I told you that yet?* :)
Here's my NON CLINICAL answer from MY experience.
Like you...I am a huge "attention whore" Im gna put it out there in those exact terms - because at times...that's exactly what it rises too. (too much!)
I like attention from all sources - but "men" - are my "grand prize". Kwim? The attention fills a HOLE. (in me) In my case it comes from my upbringing.
Hi Lulu,
ah what a roller coaster we are on.
Thanks girls for the replies - just quickly before I dash out the door to work I wanted to say hello and thankyou.
He hasn't written anyway so I am not faced with the drama and hand-wringing associated with deleting. Day 17 NC and keeping on, despite the hurt. And boy, does it ever.
xxxxx
LuLu,
I am so proud of you!
I just wanted to quickly say WAY TO GO on the deleting of the emails. This is a huge step and not one lightly or easily taken. Especially in a long distance A where those words can sometimes feel like the only thing you ever really had. Anyway I am so glad that they are gone...you will feel so much better in the coming days having done that.
As for the addiction thing...I say a big ol HELL YES! I can say I have done my fair share of experimentation and the high I got off of the validation and feel goods I both got and gave my XAP were better than any drug I have encountered :) I still am not sure WHY it is we seek outside validation so often and receive such a rush when it comes...but I am sure it happens.
Hope you had a great weekend with some fun in your summer.
peace&light
Foggy