Is the "thrill" an addiction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Is the "thrill" an addiction?
6
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 2:32pm

I know this will have been discussed many times before. I woke up this morning knowing that JAM is back to work and will in all likelihood contact me. I can't lie - my immediate response was a physical flip of my tummy, those excited little butterflies started milling about, flapping their not-so-colourful wings - and on one level - the logical one - I know that this is crazy, but on the other it is still present.

I have thought a bit about this and I have the idea in my head that if he wasn't about, my life might - no, not might, WOULD - look pretty damn bland.

Now I'm not entirely thick and I know full well that if it does look like that, it's up to me to damn well fix it! And I believe it IS fixable too - once I find alternatives to this internet A that seems to call me like a siren song to the computer every day. I certainly don't think it's insurmountable. I know that this, too, shall pass. I have already taken the step of asking work to increase my hours, because when I am there I don't give him a second thought, and as well as that I absolutely love my job anyway.

So anyway (rambling again) is it an addiction? I once read the pain of ending an A like this (long-distance, emotional only) is not actually an indicator of the depth of love, but the strength of the addiction.

The other thing that sometimes comes as a big surprise to me is if someone at work (I work in law enforcement, those boys look kinda hot in their uniforms...) is friendly to me, in a "you look cute" kind of way, I forget about JAM in a flash. Like, in an instant.

Which of course (more rambling) brings up the issue of why I need to be adored by the opposite sex. What a load of crock. I think it's because that's where I've always had my validation from? Oh gawd, who knows. Off to a therapist I go!!!

Love

LL:smileyvery-happy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 2:41pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 5:10pm

LuLU *I love your name!!!! have I told you that yet?* :)

Here's my NON CLINICAL answer from MY experience.

Like you...I am a huge "attention whore" Im gna put it out there in those exact terms - because at times...that's exactly what it rises too. (too much!)

I like attention from all sources - but "men" - are my "grand prize". Kwim? The attention fills a HOLE. (in me) In my case it comes from my upbringing.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 5:34pm

Hi Lulu,

ah what a roller coaster we are on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 5:53pm

Thanks girls for the replies - just quickly before I dash out the door to work I wanted to say hello and thankyou.

He hasn't written anyway so I am not faced with the drama and hand-wringing associated with deleting. Day 17 NC and keeping on, despite the hurt. And boy, does it ever.

xxxxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 8:53pm

LuLu,

I am so proud of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:42am
Hey LuLu!
I just wanted to quickly say WAY TO GO on the deleting of the emails. This is a huge step and not one lightly or easily taken. Especially in a long distance A where those words can sometimes feel like the only thing you ever really had. Anyway I am so glad that they are gone...you will feel so much better in the coming days having done that.

As for the addiction thing...I say a big ol HELL YES! I can say I have done my fair share of experimentation and the high I got off of the validation and feel goods I both got and gave my XAP were better than any drug I have encountered :) I still am not sure WHY it is we seek outside validation so often and receive such a rush when it comes...but I am sure it happens.

Hope you had a great weekend with some fun in your summer.
peace&light
Foggy