tied in knots

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
tied in knots
9
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 4:19pm
Hi, I'm kathy and have been involved with a mm for a little over 2 yrs. he is also 12 yrs younger than I am. I did'nt know he was married when we met at work, he had only been married about 2 mo. actually no one knew he had gotten married. We started flirting and I was instantly attracted to this man. later when we started working out together after work it came out he was married. He did'nt tell me his brother did. Seems he wanted to end the relationship and she got her self pregnate, which I did'nt know either, So he did what he thought was right his baby needed a daddy. This is a very quite man does not let on alot and does not show emotion, this is due to his child hood. We did'nt have sex for 4 months after we started seeing each other well I should say talking, kissing, touching ect. He told me I made him feel mushy inside... like warm jello, he, to this day can tell me exactly what I was wearing the first time i gave him .... a you know. I mean right down to the kind of strings were on my shirt. He notices every thing. He would call me every day and try to see me when he could. His wife, and more than one person has told me this, Controls his every move, does'nt like him out of her site except for work. He has told me and other people that the only reason he is there is because he cannot stand the thought of not seein his daughter every day and she would drain him dry. All this I do beleive, we live in a small beach town. I guess I said all that to give you a picture of how is is and how things were. Now I don't get the call much any more, he'll call if I don't call and he does'nt like me being with any one else. We see each other in the wee hours of the am 4:00. We both work out, so he will come over before the gym. He won't stay with me tho even if we have time left before the gym opens. He is not a real affectionate man, again due to childhood problems and does not like me knowing he is week in any way except when it comes to his daughter. by the way just fyi I was seeing him before she was born. I have talked with him about feeling like things have changed between us and have told him he is pushing me away. I have given him every oppertunity to getr out without hard feelings... he doesn't want them. I hurt so bad because I want more and I don't know what he is feeling. Do I have "the talk" and ask him what is it he feels for me? He has never promesed me any thing. I am lonley and I hate this time of year, I know he is with his family. I was with him this morning and felt so happy and now that the day has gone on I'm sick to my stomach and I'm mad and I want to through a fit, cry, hit, I know I should let go but I don't want to. I wnat to want to but can't. I cry every night, I know he knows nothing of these feelings. He has seen me get fired up tho when he won't answer my calls, sometime he can't due to the job he has, but I don't care I wan't him to answer. He just tell me to come down and he will call me back as soon as he can. I'm babbling I know but I can't talk to anyone about this, they do not understand. Help me, It's nice knowing I'm not the only one going through this.
Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: kat4country
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 5:52pm

Hi Kat
I don't post often, but I read this board all the time. One suggestion I have is that you may want to copy your post and place it on the My Affair board rather than here. This board is used more by folks who have made the decision (or have had the decision made for them) to end their affairs...that may be why you haven't gotten a response yet, sounds like yours is not quite over.

That said, I have to tell you that I almost fell over when I read your post. Sounds very similar to my situation (at least in some respects.) My xMM is an exBF from my college years whom I have NEVER gotten over....and I was the one who ended it. I am single like you. My xMM was also about to end his M when "he got his wife pregnant" (I have to say it that way for my own sanity.) Anyway, this is about three months ago and he STILL has not told me. He has told everyone else, but not me. Now here's where things differ for me a bit....

I was never involved in a full-blown A with this guy (was really more of an emotional A). We reconnected under difficult circumstances, admited we were still "in love" with each other and so-on. But knowing he was still in a M, I really pushed him to try and work things out with his W (who also has some serious control issues, like your MM.) I could have manipulated the situation sooooo easily and had numerous opportunities to, but I made a conscious decision to back away because my thought was this: If he did leave her, I wanted it to be because he no longer loved her...I did not want to be the "reason". That was really important to me.

But now I feel like a complete moron. His "choice" has been made....whether it's been made for him or whether he made it is unclear to me (by that I mean the "surprise" pregnancy). But what is clear, is that he's chosen his M and his family and I don't fit into that picture.....and I don't want to. I know if I let him, he'd keep me on the side for the rest of his life. That's him. But it's not me. And as much as it CRUSHES me not to be with him, I just can't do it. I want more for myself. Plus, it really makes me question him as a person, you know? I mean, it's one thing to fall into these As in a moment of passion, but to keep them and to keep us (especially us single women) stringing along like this while these MM want to keep their home life in order.....well, I just think I'd expect more from someone who supposedly loves me. Does that make any sense??

My advice to you is to end this A. You may not be ready yet, and I completely understand, but from someone who's been the one to "pull the plug", I will tell you there's a certain dignity that comes from ending it. You can hold your head high and no one else knows you're dying inside. And after a while, the hurt gets better, it really does. I can relate to the "crying your eyes out period". My advice: limit your intake of Van Morrison records during this period and up your intake of time with some good single friends....maybe even one you can confide in about this situation. That's what I've done and it has really helped to have someone who will trash your xMM with you over a glass (or four) of wine....
Hang in there!! And feel free to vent more. These boards are great for that!
((hugs))

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: kat4country
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 6:40pm

Hon,

I hate to tell you this, because I know you really care for this man, but you are on a downbound train to nowheresville. He isn't going to leave his wife. Not anytime soon. Most likely. The only options you really have are to A) not say anything and stay with him in a relationship where you are not getting what you want in the hopes that one day you will B) have "the talk" and see where it leads you or c) make the decision yourself to end this painful relationship. My OM, too, had a baby during our A. And he didn't even know for sure it was his! But did he do anything? No, he didn't. He accepted that it's his and stayed right where he was. And he, too, started calling me less and less. It just got to the point where I realized that throwing my M away for this ridiculousness just wasn't going to cut it anymore. I ended it. I'm glad I did. That was 3 months ago, and I do not regret it one bit. I'm happy to be out of such a non-relationship, relationship. You will be too, one day, if you choose to be happy and choose yourself over this relationship. Keep coming back!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
In reply to: kat4country
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 9:25am
Thanks for reading and taking the time to respond to me. Like I said in my post I want to want to end it. I did wake up this mornig feeling like I could I could take on the world nad have not called him... yesterday evening or this morning, these are things I do every day or i text message him in the am just to say have a good day but so far i have not done that. I know this will not last long but I am trying to build on this strentgh every time I get and eventually I will be able to pull the plug. My problem is I am a die hard and will hang in there until the last thread snaps and then when I am done... I'm done and I know I am moving in that direction. Just for clairafacation they were not married when he decided he wanted to end their relationsship due to her controlling behavier, he told no one for the longest time that he had even married her. What slapped me in the face yesterday was when he came over and had time after the "deed". before the gym opened he choose to leave and go running instead of spending that little time with me. Hurt yesterday, today pissed me off.
Thanks again for listening and the hugs.... needed them.
Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: kat4country
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:32am

I don't even know how to begin my response to you because I see that you are so very lost and have absolutely no self esteem.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
In reply to: kat4country
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:58am

fulovlov,

That was brilliant! Dr. Phil doesn't have crap on you! I really appreciated what you wrote becuase it does take tough love to help people (like myself) with low self-esteem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. No offense at all to you Kat. I know how hard it is to truly believe that a relationship is something it is not and live in a world of lies, especially the lies we tell ourselves to make the situation seem better. My epiphany came when i realized that the only thing i cared about was spending my time making myself into something that i am not for a man that was just getting free nooky and giving me nothing in return except heartache and mediocre sex. So Kat today is the day to look at yourself and see the beautiful girl that you are and start to maove on to real happiness with a man that wants to be with you for more than just sex.

good luck to you!
~nuttmef

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
In reply to: kat4country
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 12:26pm

Kat
I'm glad you're feeling better today; just don't forget the hurt from yesterday. Sometimes, I think it's better to set a resolution when you're feeling stronger (rather than in a weak moment like yesterday). This can be the first day that you decide to head in a new direction. You don't have to "wait for the last string to snap" as you say...go ahead and cut the frigin' thing yourself!

You see, from my perspective (which is somewhat similar to yours in terms of our xMM hiding MAJOR information from us) it has been important to separate what I'm angry about from what I'm sad about. At first, I was just a messy ball of emotion (and that's putting it mildly.) But then the more I thought about it, there were really two distinct emotions I had to deal with 1) the loss of who I'd hoped he could be for me, and 2) my disgust when I realized how deceiptful he was to me. Loss, heartbreak...I can get over that. I'm a tough chick, right? But what really has got me furious is how I made excuses in my own mind for his outright deceiptfulness. I don't deserve that, damnit, and neither do you. In your case, it doesn't matter that he kept his M a secret from others as well as from you....my god, you had a level of intimacy with him that deserved that kind of disclosure, to say the least!

Take this moment of anger and let it stear you in the right direction. You have every reason to mourn...but just be careful what you're sad about! My guess, if you REALLY are honest with yourself, is that you're mourning for the hope of what this man could have been to you rather than for the man himself.
I wish you all the strength in the world! I know you can do this!
-Boomerangs

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
In reply to: kat4country
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 1:11pm
I thank-you for your response and I do know "THEY" conceived. I do need to clarify a few things: I had not met him when she became pregnat, We did not meet until after the fact, she was 6 mo before he married her with pressure. He had beenwanting out for a while and yess I know he still kept having sex with her even while wanting to end it I pretend to understand it but I know it happens all the time, When I was married I was not happy and wanted out as did my husband but there were occasions when we had sex. They had been in a relationship since high school and had not gotten pregnat in all those years,she realalizes he is getting distant and whoops forgot the birth control. He said a baby need a daddy and he loves that little girl. I know I'm getting the raw end of the deal. I also know they do not cuddle my MM has issues with that kind of intemacy, things happened in his child hood, I also know she is no longer intrested in sex, she likes haveing a hold on him with the baby to lead him around by the nose mind you he does not tell me alot of this his brother does and he does'nt even know that I'm seeing his brother. He works with my mm and knows him inside and out. tells me .... is in a bad mood today does'nt want to go home. Why he lets her have so much control I'm not sure, finaces I know is 1 the baby is another, the w, whom I have been told by more than one person who have know her since high school has said she would take him for every thing he has and use their daughter against him meaning in letting him see her. He haas told me he would not be there if it wer'nt for his daughter.
This I do beleive. No I don't think he is treating me fair and yes I deserve better, That is why I'm fighting hard to want to want to free my self. Remember tho that no one person deals with things in the same way. I get caught up in that sometimes thinking I would react this way to a certain situation and don't get why that person doe'snt react the sam way but then I'm reminded that we all had different child hoods and grew up with different values and morals and ideas, given that we all handle things differently. I knew 1 month into my marriage I had made a mistake but guess what I became pregnat in the frist 2 months of marriage, I beleived the same thing a baby needs two parents and I stayed in a long and emotional abusive marriage for 15 years, it was'nt until my 12 year dayghter said mom if you don't leave dad I'm going to live with me-ma (my mother), I left, but I stayed all those years because that's how I was trained when you get married you stay married.
I do need support, I do need to get out, I want help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
In reply to: kat4country
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:12pm
Thanks for your words of encouragement. You are so right in so many aspects. I'm more sad over what the man might have benn, that is pretty much dead on. Also I have been more intiment with this man than I have ever been with any one, don't really want to go into detail here but we shared things that neither of us had shared with any one else and I was married for 15 years. He is a good man in so many ways, the sad thing is I met him a few month two late, I know if I had met him before the then girlfriend became pregnat he would not have married her. Thanks for your support and kind words, I'm trying to stay mad then I can forge ahead.
Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: kat4country
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 7:50pm

Please go to counseling for yourself so that you can find your self esteem and confidence and self respect.

Love