The time has come...

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
The time has come...
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 12:02pm
Hello all. I'm a newbie who found this fantastic support board just yesterday. Phew what a relief that I am not alone in this. My A of a tad over 3 years ended last week. I am M x13 yrs my xAP is single. We met at work and hit it off instantly. What I was lacking at home he gave me both emotionally and physically. What I thought was just attention seeking by me turned into so much more. We fell in love and we fell hard. I was truly going to leave my H for this man I considered my soul mate. He was patient and never pushed. He let me go at my pace. But my pace has drug on and the time came that he needed more and rightfully so. He is S after all and wants a full life. We met in person and decided to move on. He wants more and I need to focus on what's broken within me and figure out what I want. I feel all of the emotions that I've read. I feel as though my heart has been ripped out. How can I function without my xAP? He was my best friend. I've grieving terribly as I know he is. I hear a song that reminds me of him and I sob. I go to dinner and see his fav meal and I tear up. You know the drill. Does it get easier? Thanks for listening. "The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving." - Eat, Pray, Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 12:43pm

Welcome to EAS, Love930

Yes, it is comforting to know we are not our feelings...our pain...and now our journey.

You did the right thing.  It was a mutual ending, which helps with that rejection factor that is such a huge hurdle...and no one is left wondering 'hey, where'd they go?".  I'd like to suggest that you know block all avenues of communication...ALL AVENUES...FB site, twitter, tweeter, twatter, email addresses, phone...even the small of paths.  Only because you want to protect him and yourself from reaching out and making a contact during weak moments...and there will be weak moments.

We have many folks here who had to deal with the loss of the's so difficult.  Unfortunately, we sacrificed our friendship when we crossed the line.  I'm sure they'll chime in.  

Yes, it will get easier...eventually...but I'm not going to lie to's tough going for a while.  It'll be a rollercoaster ride of emotions, but we can help you through.  Working at looking inward to see why we strayed off the path takes commitment and hard work.  I'm afraid there is no easy for a while.  With some time and distance under your belt, however, things will ease up.

It's been kinda quiet lately around here, so until others are here to respond, read all you can...all the threads up here and check out our Healing Library, too.  It's full of insights and wisdom, the ways and means and how tos.

You are not along in wondering how you will live with our xaffair partner.  Well, we had a life before them, and we will learn to live without them.  I always suggest looking through some photographs to see just how you were indeed living life before he entered it.  He's JAM...that's just a man...and no one one really worth jeoparding all we hold dear.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Tue, 07-31-2012 - 5:14pm
Hi Love. Same situation here. My xap waited 5 years and that was enough for him. No mutual ending, he dumped me flat. No Contact. I've had to focus on my M since, and many here find renewed love and excitement.... I have not. It's real though, what H and I end up doing, what we decide is best for the children.... at least it's real and I'll work it to an end. The A was allowing me to stall this, for 5 years ....

We ended last Aug. No Contact in Feb. I miss xap every day. I loved him and would be with him if I could. I don't hurt as much as in the beginning, and believe us, it is horrid.

We're here. Post. Read.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 9:12am
Hi Love903 and welcome!

Yes it gets easier, but oh the road to easier is a difficult one to walk, but walk it you will :smileyhappy:

These early days are the worst by far, just take it little bit by little bit by little bit. Read, read and read some more on here. There is so much wisdom in everyones words and stories. The thing that surprised me was how similar all A's are. We delude ourselves during A that this is somehow unique, special and different. It really wasnt....

 Like you my xAP was single and l so get "the only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying and the only thing more  impossible than staying was leaving" With time this too shall pass. And truely Love903 my xAP and I would have taught Myrel and Clint in bridges of madison a thing or to :smileyhappy:) Now just 11 weeks of NC and I can see things so much clearer and you will too. You didnt leave and in your heart all along you knew you never would. All the answers to the why's lie within you. Once the addictive nature of the A subsides you'll find them.

You have taken the biggest step, you have said your "goodbyes" now you begin to let it go.....

Wishing you strength on your journey to a better authentic life.

Sunny (soon) Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 10:14am
How are you today, Love? How are you coping?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 11:21am
Working together is difficult, but the advice for LC is spot on, (which, btw, would advise against responding to any non-essential, work-related contact.). To me, if xap asked me about a dr appt I had, it would mean the emotional affair was still ongoing. Be careful where that leads...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 12:02pm

Hey Love

It's best in the LC working environment to make it absolutely clear that anything other than professional and business-related communications is unacceptable.  Otherwise, you are still carrying on an emotional affair...and as you can feel, it dredges up emotional feelings for you, which isn't helpful to your healing.

Please read through the thread on LC and do your very best to stick to the guidelines and ground rules.  It'll make a big difference.  LC makes recovery all the hard, for sure, but setting the boundries helps.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 1:53pm
Hi Love - welcome and glad you are here. You will get better advice on LC from others than from me, but I do know the early days' misery and encourage you to come here often. It's the same for most of us, the reminders you mention,and while it does get easier I can't say the slate is wiped clean yet, at 3+ months.

best to you!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Wed, 08-01-2012 - 2:08pm

You are not alone you have come to a place where many many people have walked these halls. Many came dragging in...some were limping a little...and some just were tossed in here without their eyes bugged out like a deer staring at a couple of head lights at a high speed car coming at it.

I don't think you are broken.....far from it. You have been some choices which have led you to this board and now you are ready to correct them. Congratulations.

Read in the will find that you can and will be able to exist without the XAP. You will find that these "feelings" you have/had for him are "foggy" thinking and that with a lot of work on your part you can navigate yourself to a safe harbor .

The first thing though is going NC. I think there maybe something in the HL regarding this process. This is the Key 1st step in letting go.

You are going to be okay. I look forward to reading your posts.