this time I mean it
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| Thu, 07-15-2010 - 4:29pm |
I have not remained NC/LC for several reasons so I haven't been posting much. I am starting over and this time I mean it. I posted elsewhere that the greatest deterrent to me ever having an A with xAP again is that I am tired of him having emotional power over me. When he completely loses that hold over me, I will be free.
We work with youth. I needed to know if we would be working together on an event in the fall-many people would be expecting it. I sent a text. Will we or will we not be doing this event? He answered with a lame question-no answer. I sent follow-up texts explaining why I need to know and that we need to act professionally. No answer. No event. It freed me to go NC/LC but it's sad that our mess affected others.
I began to analyze the situation and have wasted two beautiful days trying to "understand." When will I ever learn there are no answers to any of the big "why" questions I have? When will I learn that wallowing in the A drama distracts me from my real life?
I have given up the idea we can be friends. I found this definition of friends in an on-line article:
"Friends spend a lot of leisure time alone together, not just a few lunches every now and then. They trust each other to the point where they share private information with each other that few other people know. They share an emotional bond but neither is sexually attracted to the other."
No, xAP and I will not be friends. We will not be that couple who "beat the odds."
Time to be honest with myself. I want xAP to contact me because I want his attention. I am not putting myself 100% into my marriage because I am distracted by missing xAP and how he made me feel (and how I was able to make him feel). Time to come clean. Time to be NC/LC. Day 2. RTG
Edited 7/15/2010 4:56 pm ET by room_to_grow

It took a lot of guts to come clean and even more guts to stick to it this time. You know that ending it is the best way. You've been here, you've read and you understand. Understanding and doing are different things, but you have a choice. You can choose to remain in that cycle of pain, or you can really do what's best for you and everyone and get out, for good. I hope you stick to it. There's no way for me to transfer my almost 6 months of understanding to you, but please listen when I say, that it will be tough at first, but it will get better. As you start to put some distance between yourself and the A, the fog will lift. You will view things realistically and begin to understand that you made the right choice. Let's get back our dignity. Let's learn to be honest. Let's start living the kind of life we can be proud of, shall we?
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
It sounds like you have seen the light.
Now the journey begins, and steps are like time, one at a time. If there was only some way to short cut it. There isn't anyway to make it easier.
The light is at the end of the tunnel. Keep a careful watch.
Go for it.
We can only count on one person in this life of ours and that's ourselves.
We only miss what could have been.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.