time to lay it out here

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
time to lay it out here
6
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 7:57pm

clarity hope you dont mind my c & p from part of our pm feeling lazy so heres pretty much whats happened, for those infamilar xap has been an ongoing 20 plus year off and on deal with the most recent being the past 7 yrs. 

Idk if you remember but xap and h are in the same Co have become friends, his wife has friended me, we do alot of stuff together, yes i know very stupid. He told me a few months ago he is going to leave her and wants to be together but it will take some time to make happen, here i go again with the stupid. Long story short i fell for this but as i watch and see nothing being done i get frustrated we fight he says hell do more and around the circle we go. The sane me knows this has to end and honestly i don't think i would of left h when it came down to it anyway but here i am caught in this nasty thing anyway. I have to start all over again but where, obviously NC privately i deleted the app and email we use to communicate last night. I have to do lc around people or it's going to look very strange. Then there's the hanging out I'm going to have to avoid and his w is very persistent.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 8:46pm

Happy...hope you don't mind if I cut and paste my response from our PM...hah..kidding!

This is what I see.  He's not leaving his marriage...you know he's not.  You're not leaving your marriage...he knows you're not.  

So, how about everyone accepting that fact and stop pretending this affair is anything other than what it is?  A go-nowhere, dead end, reached-its-expiration-date-years-ago affair...and start slowly extricating yourselves.

Make the declaration, that you are through and are concentrating on your marriage from here on in.

If you feel you've got yourself into a pickle with the socializing aspect...and you have, then you are either going to have to work pretty hard at slowly extricating yourself or learning how to interact in a social situation or both for a while anyway if you think a quick pull out will be too noticeable. 

I'd started by involving myself with other things...projects/community service/volunteer type activities that take you out of the social equation.

Your situation is not unique...others have slowly removed themselves...it just took some time and some doing, but they did it...and some feelings were hurt along the way, but way better than the hurt feelings of betrayal, and there's betrayal going on here..and on different levels...betrayal of spouses, betrayal of friends.

It's doable once one has made the decision that enough is enough, and it sounds like you have reached that point.  

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 9:09pm

II'm not even upset to day which in itself is odd but after i told him yesterday and we didn't talk again i had none of my normal stress and anxiety over everything, i actually slept haven't done that in months. I'm not even trying to think I'm ok here but I'm ok right now. This sat we have a big formal dinner its to late to get out of, she's gonna expect us to sit together hang out all night, ever pray for a nasty flu cuz i am. I don't even want to put myself in a position to waver.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 10:06pm

Sounds like maybe you are finally at peace...and peace often comes with acceptance and taking control of a situation by doing something about it...and a good night's sleep often comes with peace of mind.

You are okay now.  And you never know, sometimes we reach the point of no return and find ourselves doing better than we thought we would...that can happen.

I truly believe that by putting an end to this once and for all...and because it was occupying way to much space in your heart and head...that you now have room in both that you'll eventually fill with that 'happy' you have found so elusive.  Happiness is found within...no one else can make us happy...it's an inside job.

As far as Saturday's event goes, you CAN get out of it if you want...and you can start up tomorrow with a little cough...a little sneeze...bellyache...or come up with some ailment at the very last minute  C'mon...be creative.  We became good actors and actresses and quite crafty for evil to keep our affair afloat...now we can employ acting skills and that craftiness for good.

Really, Happy...if you don't want to...you don't have to.  And if you absolutely, positively cannot get out of it, then there's no reason why you can't both act like adults who have come to the conclusion together that it's time to move on.

Clarity

 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 5:05am
Both of us act like adults that came to the conclusion its over would be nice but I'm the only one who came to that he didn't, that's the tough part.
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 8:19am

Well then...you'll just have to lead by example.

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 8:36am

Oh Happy, I am not familiar with your story .... 20 years involvement with xAP, that is a long time. It sounds as though you have developed a very bad habit of being involved with this man, and 20 years of a bad habit will be hard to break, but it really sounds as though you've reached your end point with it, and once it is over for you, then it is over, and that is such a relief isn't it Happy? That is the point I reached too when I finally ended it, it was over for me ... forever, and oh boy what a relief it was, and though I've had my sad moments and my struggles, ending my A has I think been relatively easy for me, because since that day when I ended it on 29th March there has never been a moment when I have wanted to contact him and start things up again, and I really hope that is how you feel too Happy, you deserve better to waste any more time and energy on this dead-end relationship ... no more lies, no more betrayal, a life of honesty and integrity, it is sheer bliss Happy, so you go for it girlSmile

Lots of love and best wishes, Soglad x o x