Time on my Hands

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Time on my Hands
7
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 5:45pm
Now that i don't spend any time talking with xMM and less time thinking of him, i seem to have all this time on my hands to throw into my marriage.

The therapist has concluded that my H has social anxiety, is repressed, have fear of rejection, aversion to taking risks (even if that means initating sex with me, his wife) and has an extreme sense of embarrasment and shame.

My H has two brothers and they are similiar. I spoke with H on Friday about the possibility of doing some soul searching/fact finding about what life was like in his household--that three sucessful men would grow up to be so emotionally stunted. He said no.

I've been pulling back from him (again) since he said that. I am starting to dream now of having another A--with anyone, i don't care!

I tried to talk with him some more on Friday night, i curled up in his lap and i got no response. He said he was sick and went to bed early. Since then, i have busied myself with doing things that don't matter at all.

My marriage is not going to get any better if my H won't do some terribly hard work on himself. I am doing that work myself and it hurts and is painful.

BTW: not that it matters, but have not heard a word from XMM since i sent him a cute email last Thursday and a work related email this morning. Oh it hurts when you become about 20th on the food chain.

Clarice

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 6:01pm
You've done a lot of work trying to get over your first A don't get into a second one. Have you tried telling H exactly how much all of this means to you? I agree though it is impossible to make things better all on your own. Having another A is not the answer however. I have made a decision not to date anyone for a while. So that I can work on my family with out the distractions of a relationship. I works sometimes. I think it had made it a little harder to get over xMW.

I guess what I am trying to say is that jumping into another A will not solve you problems with H. They are two separate issues. If things are so far gone with H that they don't not work out, then time alone can be a good thing. I am certainly not suggesting that you go that route. All relationships are hard work. But if things are not working out then the A is not the answer.

- B

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:03am
Aw, Clarice, I'm so sorry for your H's distance at this time. I experienced the same thing - ended the A and suddenly had time to cook the kids dinner, help with homework, do laundry, go out for coffee and chat with H. It's like quitting a second job, huh?

Yeah, if all 3 boys are "successful" but have emotional issues, there's an excellent chance that something "not quite right" went on in that household. Unfortunately, H is only going to address it in HIS time and you can't really push him. (I'm thinking I knew you on another board in cyberworld...is my username familiar to you???) Something similar went on my family. I have 2 older brothers, both of whom one day chose to leave their wives. Both had been married about 13-15 years. Neither wife saw anything coming. Both refused any type of marriage counseling. Both left one day and never went back. Coincidence??? I think not. I can tell you that tons of really screwed up things went on in my family that would have prompted my brothers to act this way. My H has thanked me time and again that, no matter how unhappy I was in our marriage, I never packed up and fled during the night like my brothers. I'm the first one to stick around and try to make it work.

So, yeah, I totally understand your curiousity about these guys. Have any of them been in counseling? I gathered from your post that they're all successful in business, but what about their personal lives? Do they act pretty much like your H? I'd bet anything there's something there that they all need to face.

As for that business about you being 20th on the foodchain? No way! I'm an attorney so I figure I'm much further down than 20th! LOL. I'm somewhere just above realtors and car salesman. You're at least higher up the chain than I am, eh? Hugs, Clarice. We're here for you. Love, Mo

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 12:55pm
my Hs brothers are all very successful in business, but have each failed in their personal lives. One of Hs brothers has been seperated from his wife for something like 8 years now. I am very close with his wife (my sister in law) and she details to me the same lack of connectedness in their marriage as i have had in mine. Let's put it this way: when these boys' father died, 3 years ago, I was the only one able to write and say a eulogy--and my older brother in law, sat on the couch and read a book the entire time we were gathered for the funeral. My H didn't shed a tear over his father's death. He never talks about it to this day.

My other brother in law is 43 or so--never been married and has never had an intimate personal relationship that any of us know about. He has bad arthritis. I have often wondered if he is gay.

The other brother has been dating a woman for 5 years now, but i've never met her. They go out every Saturday night--that's it. Everything the boys do in this family is very routinized. Two years ago, i suggested that we all get together once a month for a family dinner. I wanted my sons to know their uncles. I planned the first gathering and then told one of the brothers they should be in charge of next month's event and we would rotate thereafter. The second gathering never happened.

When i point this out to my mother, she is so sad, because she says all i ever wanted was to have a big family with lots of sharing and love. This is one of the things that attracted me to xMM. he is in daily contact with his parents and inlaws and they see each other all the time as they live within blocks of one another.

What i've learned is their mother was very controlling (she and i don't get along at all--this is the first relationship i've had with anyone where the mother doesn't adore me!). She's very judgmental and something of a martyr. We haven't talked much since my oldest son was born (he is nearly 10 now) because i was having a terrible time breastfeeding and had a very, very fussy baby and she and her new husband just argued all the time while they were staying with us for a week or two. When i asked her nicely if she and her Husband could please stop arguing so much, they packed up their bags and went to stay the rest of their trip at a hotel near the airport. We've never really talked since then. So, i guess. i see, in Hs family, if you said something critical or had a need or point of view, you were in trouble.

I could go on and on. The bottom line is Hs family is one of acquaintances--they are all very polite to one another (and my H and I treat each other very politely too).

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:24pm
Okay, Clarice, I see that same pattern in my family. We were all so darned afraid of my father (an active alcoholic) everyone just tripped over themselves trying to keep him happy, or better yet, quiet. We lived in constant fear of the next eruption/tantrum. It was like a war zone. We never relaxed during the quiet times, just rested up for the next battle. UGH!

We are also all very polite to each other. We talk about news and weather. After my dad died, my mother opened up a little bit more. When I was in rehab she came to visit me. I told her about the problems in my marriage and my OMM. She even had lunch with OMM and I once. I guess I forced her to become a little bit more intimate, but she was at least capable of it once my father's foreboding presence was gone.

Your H's family probably speaks to each other all the time because they are completely co-dependent. That happens in families with dysfunction and trauma. I, for one, can't handle "polite." In my adult life, one of the huge-est changest I made was a conscious decision to have not "polite" relationships. I either KNOW people or I don't bother. I don't engage in "cocktail" conversation or superficial pleasantries. If you're going to be in my circle, you need to be able to have substance.

So that must be terribly difficult for you. From your posts here, at least, you do seem to be a person that goes beyond "polite," and you're probably dying for some deeper level of interaction with all these folks, but especially your H. Intimacy is a very difficult thing to cultivate in someone else, however. And if he grew up in a setting where intimacy was not permitted, its very threatening. Its like you wish there was no such thing as being emotionally close to another person, so other people couldn't put you in the uncomfortable position of trying to get close to you. I can relate. I've worked very hard on this issue in therapy. My NA sponsor gave me a book recently, I can't remember the title, but it was about the intimacy issues adult children of alcoholics share and it was written about my life, I tell you. I could identify with everything in there. I understand that your in-laws are not "alcoholics" per se, but I'm sure they have all the personality traits of an active alcoholic or addict. That's what is usually at the root of total dysfunction.

Anyway, Clarice, with regards to your 3 choices, honey, you're all doom and gloom today. You have many more than the 3 choices you outlined, so please don't confine your thinking to those. Put this decision, and maybe the self-imposed deadline, away for a while. Try not to back yourself into a corner and make a decision that you are probably/obviously not ready to make. This is a major life issue and you need to take your time and discover more about yourself before you start shuffling things around. And if nothing else, honey, please do try to find happiness with another relationship and don't do the A thing ever again!!!!!!!!! Point made????? Love and hugs to you! Mo

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 11:54am
I've been reading all of your posts and find it interesting how you seem like a very intelligent woman, caught between a rock and a hard spot. Did it ever occur to you that your insensitive, unresponsive, and emotionally frigid husband is having an affair? His indifference shows all the signs of someone who has chosen to allienate his affection. He may be giving it to someone else.... Maybe you should fill up your "time on your hands" concern with investigation who may be the recipient of hubby's handiwork.

**Terri**

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 1:51pm
I have found that "investigation" work in a relationship is a very very bad thing. For one it usually means the relationship is over anyway. With out trust there is really nothing left to fall back on. It also won't solve anything. If you catch them then you have your answer. If you have not caught them you just have not looked hard enough / long enough / etc. There is a distancing involved in this process that helps to further breakdown what is there.

In summary: If you have already decided that you want out and are looking for an excuse then investigate away. If you are looking to work on the relationship do not spy.

Its like asking if some one has cheated on you. If they say yes then you know. If they say no you most likely will not believe them no matter what they say even if it the truth.

- B

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 4:08pm
hy H has always been this way, since i've known him (18 years) and yes, i did discover he was in love with another woman in Sept (he said they were friends) and then further evidence that they were not friends at all, in October. He seemed to be very in love with her ( i know this by the things he wrote to her: i have never met anyone as beautiful than you; i have never been alive until i met you; i can smell you on my hands; i am going to sleep so i can dream of you. . . you get the idea. he has not admitted to a physical affair. I asked him to move out of the house in Oct--he came home again in December, and we are still having problems: can't believe it is May 1st. He started NC with her on Dec. 7th. I believe he is holding tight to that--but i know, if we separate or divorce, she is waiting in the wings. I feel pretty confident about that. Honestly, between my own A and his, this all has been a nightmare.

So, yes you are right. Whether or not he has had other As, i don't know. my gut is no.

Thank you for your insight.