tips for when you miss xAP
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| Mon, 06-28-2010 - 1:17pm |
hi guys,
im sure there are other threads like this but i thought i'd start one anyway. i think it would be nice to hear peoples' suggestions on how to cope when we miss xAP. no matter if you were the dumper or the dump-ee, whether you've been NC for days or months, its likely that we will all miss our APs at some point. for me, music is my biggest trigger, since AP and i had the exact same taste in music and would love disovering bands together. whenever i hear a song that reminds of him, i get emotional. i miss HIM, but i dont miss the A. the A was a mess, but he's a good guy, and it saddens me thjat i cant have him in my life.
so, one of the things i do is i write him letters in my journal. whenever i miss him, i write fake letters to him about how much i miss him, why i miss him, what i'm thinking. it gets my thoughts out and feels very cathartic, and absorbs the impulse to contact him.
do any of you have similar coping strategies for when you miss your xAP? I'd love to hear some!

Pages
I have a blog- and that helps- sounds a lot like your journal. It began as letters to him and about him, but it has slowly morphed as I have healed... and one day I hope that it has nothing to do with the A.
I also spend a lot of time with my H. I used to avoid him, a lot... so I could sneak away and email xap. When I miss xap, I use that time to devote even more of myself to my M. It has paid off ten fold.
I come to EAS. When a really bad spell hits, I come to EAS, or I reach out to one of my email buddies. IN a moment, when historically, I would have reached out to him, I keep my fingers busy by writing here or writing to my EAS sisters. That helps a lot.
I clean the house. Point is, I don't just sit around and miss him... when those feelings start to creep in, I do something/anything to keep my mind busy, after I've given myself the "stop it" lecture.
I listen to talk radio- no way that I will hear a trigger song there... and I've created a CD of happy songs that I blare when I am tired of talk radio. I hope, that with time, I will be able to listen to the music that I loved before (which just happens to be music he likes too), but until then, I am in full self protection mode.
I read, a lot. Reading is a nice escape. So, if I am feeling even a little down or like I miss xap, I just pick up the great book I am reading and I am whisked away.
MOst importantly, when I feel those feelings, I remind myself why it had to end, that I am better off now in my M without him, and that I did this for ME and my family so we can move forward. You have to face the feelings, process them and then move on.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
jane-thank you for your thoughtful response. i just checked out your blog and it is beautiful. how very brave of you to step up and put your thoughts and feelings into words that so many of us can relate to. it's clear to me from reading it that you are a very smart, insightful woman who has actually managed to grow from the A. i hope to be like that as well.
i think its hard to separate what we think of the xAP from what we think of the A. i love my xAP as a person (not IN love, but love), and i still think he is hilarious, smart, fun and a good guy. In the A, i was never able to fully appreciate that, because everything we did was constantly eclipsed by the shadow of deceit. i related to your post in your blog about "affair-ing down" (although i personally think my AP affaired up! ;) ). my AP is impulsive, raw, wacky, spontaneous--these are the things that made the A so fun, but i found myself thinking, if he was really my H, i'd probably find him to be capricious and irresponsible. its all a matter of perspective, right? i spent a lot of time feeling sad that my AP and i never had a chance to be a real couple, but i knew in my heart that as a "real couple" we would not have made it, becuase he's not really what i wanted, long term wise. so that is waht i try to do when i miss my AP, i remind myself that while i value him as a person, there's really no place for him in my life in a way that i would actually find satisfying.
i expect you have already read "why good people have affairs", right? it helped me a lot; one of the few honest books i've read on the subject. thank you for all of your insights and kind words, keep blogging and posting, it helps us all :)
i've had one week of NC as of now. xAP has emailed or texted almost every day, and i've deleted, deleted and deleted. the txts started out desperate "one more time, one last hurrah, just need to see you, etc", and now they just sound defeated, "hey, maybe we can be friends". deleting them is hard but i know if i start a conversation, it will never end. i hate doing this. it hurts me to hurt him. but its the only thing i can do. so tonight, i started writing this email to him, and stopped myself and decided to post it here. taking some of you guys's suggestions, i turned here, to vent and share, instead of sending it to him. i'm proud of myself for that.
so here's an excerpt, for what i started writing him this evening, in response to his request to be my friend...
"i know i must seem so cold by not responding to anything you say. its just that i don't want to get sucked in again. i feel empowered in cutting the cord a bit, but i know if we talk again, it'll all start back. i think of you all the time, in little moments here and there, usually involving a song since we shared so many. i push the memories and thoughts away, and tell myself that its time to look forward.
i've spent far too much time thinking and it's gotten me nowhere. i want to be happy, and healthy, and have a life with (husband). i dont want to be a drunken, lying, cheating, whatever it is i became. you used to tell me that you loved me for my flaws, and i'd sit there thinking "wow, im so lucky , why cant i appreciate this". but its because i didn't want you to like those things. i was so disappointed with myself. i felt weak and stupid. i felt like i'd crumbled to temptation and while our moments were magical, all of those moments in between were a nightmare. i was always scared, sneaking around, lying, living two lives. i hated myself for what i was doing to (husband). i hated myself for letting you continue to hope for something that i knew wasn't going to happen. i hated myself because instead of just taking action, i allowed myself to volley between the two of you, even though i knew long ago what my decision was. i was a coward.
you always asked me what i wanted, and i'd always sit there dumbfounded. i think part of it was that i was too scared to tell you that i didn't want you. that i wanted you temporarily, that i wanted your love and kindness, but i didn't want to give you anything in return. i was and still am very selfish. i'm trying to work on that.
you dont want my friendship. you're willing to settle for friendship because you know thats the most you can get. but you deserve better. take me off that pedestal and see me for what i am.
and i dont want your friendship. i just want to feel less guilty about hurting you and jerking you around with my own fickleness.
neither of us wants friendship. we just dont want to let go.
but we have to. i dont have a place for you in my life now. you dont have to understand it. or like it. but i hope and pray that you can respect it."
there it is. phew. imj so glad i posted it here...
Ex
I want to ask you a question(s), it is not to beat you up or bring you down, it is about putting yourself in your husbands shoes and seeing things from another perspective.
If there were some chick screwing your husband would you say she was a nice person ? Not likely right ?
You keep saying this about Xap but his actions were NOT those of a nice guy they are the actions of a DOG.
You spend far to much time worrying about the man that stabber your husband in the back and seem to put to little focus on your husbands well being.
IS it time to get your priorities right ?
Is it time to STOP romanticizing your adulterous relationship ?
What would a truth filled answer be to these possibly uncomfortable questions.
Free
free,
thanks for your perspective. i completely get what you're saying. i just think that things are more complicated than one person being a dog, one person being a good guy, one thing being right and one thing being wrong. people dont cheat because things are going swimmingly in their lives. now, there's no justification for my actions, but my husband is hardly an innocent little lamb who got caught in a crossfire. rebuilding our relationship is going to involve work on his part as well as mine. i suppose i still carry a lot of anger for my H, and so putting myself in his shoes is not always easy.
i also think more fondly of my ex because i was the one to end it, and he told me he was completly heartbroken. i feel very guilty about that, because i feel like i used him. i mean, what i did to H is unforgivable, but ijm actually putting my effort into making things work with him now, so, i had AP when i was vulnerable and now im discarding him when my conscience strikes. doesn't that make ME the dog more than him?
lastly, saying "i wronged H, i need to let go and run back to H" may be true, but that doesnt' make it easy. its not a question of an inability to accept what you describe as the truth, but its a question of the complex maelstrom of emotions that results from the end of an affair. i know what i did was wrong, and it wasn't real love, and that i hurt my H beyond belief. i know that it is my job to try to fix things. but that doesn't make it any easier.
Hola, Ex-
One way to think about it is that both APs are dogs, yet each is responsible for their own role, and the aftermath that is inevitably wrought. Letting the xAP be his own Big Boy and deal with his own problems without your interference (which, btw, would only exasperate the bad situation) is the only _decent_ thing to do at this point. You can't and shouldn't even try to fix him, heal him or in any way support his continuation of the A-fantasy. The best thing you can do for him is let him go 100%. Believe me, you used each other -- not just you using him. If he plays love sick puppy/victim, it's only because he's not as clear-headed as you. He'll get there; it's just going to take time and a clearing of the fog.
You're on the right path and I hope you'll soon be able to do the complete "block and walk" NC route that will get you to Healing more quickly.
Best,
Dee
I agree with Dee. And when one party changes the rules, the other half reacts - some get the "poor me" attitude and some decide to stalk you like mine is doing right now. The only person you are responsible for is you.
Bodhi
thanks to both of you. i think you make a really good point. maybe my xAP just hasn't yet realized what i've realized. he sees our A as a window into what he really wants out of life. i feel that we both used each other. and i think 1) its narcisstic for me to assume that he's just falling apart without me, i mean hey, im not THAT amazing and 2)it's not my problem. he IS a big boy, and he's not the victim. its been 3 weeks since we saw each other, and 1 week since we emailed, so that's that. he's giong to be fine. how i choose to process this an move on is now my primary responsibility.
thanks ladies
Why -
I think your post was meant for me - my XAP is the stalker right now. He is an extremely controlling man, and I have no intention of going back. I absolutely agree about the lack of respect. I'm on the right track now. :)
Bodhi
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