tips for when you miss xAP

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
tips for when you miss xAP
21
Mon, 06-28-2010 - 1:17pm

hi guys,
im sure there are other threads like this but i thought i'd start one anyway. i think it would be nice to hear peoples' suggestions on how to cope when we miss xAP. no matter if you were the dumper or the dump-ee, whether you've been NC for days or months, its likely that we will all miss our APs at some point. for me, music is my biggest trigger, since AP and i had the exact same taste in music and would love disovering bands together. whenever i hear a song that reminds of him, i get emotional. i miss HIM, but i dont miss the A. the A was a mess, but he's a good guy, and it saddens me thjat i cant have him in my life.

so, one of the things i do is i write him letters in my journal. whenever i miss him, i write fake letters to him about how much i miss him, why i miss him, what i'm thinking. it gets my thoughts out and feels very cathartic, and absorbs the impulse to contact him.

do any of you have similar coping strategies for when you miss your xAP? I'd love to hear some!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 1:15pm
Um, except you mean that scenario of threatening to show up and tell his W in a purely hypothetical and sarcastic way, riiiiight?? 'Cause that would be a really, really, really bad idea. really bad. so bad. Totally need a disclaimer with that statement that you are just fuming, rightfully, that this dude is being manipulative and disrespectful of Existentialist's healing.
Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 1:19pm

I'm assuming she meant hypothetically and I have NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER to ever, ever go there!!!!!!!!!! No way, no how. Besides the fact that I don't have a death wish, I believe in karma. It's not my place to figure out what happens next for his life with or without his W.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 2:04pm

yeah, my AP is failing to respect the lines i drew. he does think he can win me back, get me to cave, and if even a little bit, its a victory for him. its best for both of us that i kill that hope.

but as much as he's an MM and i was the other woman, im an MW and he was the other man. and he played second fiddle far more than i did. he prioritized me a LOT. he would always make time for me when i asked, lied to him W way more than i lied to my H, and basically broke any and allc ommitments to any thing (i'm talking he called out sick from work a bunch to be with me). now, of course, that was irresponsible and foolish on his part. but i guess what im saying is, a lot of posts i read on the forums seem to favor demonizing the ex. perhaps thas can be helpfuol i healing. but for me, we're BOTH at fault, we both used each other, we both screwed up. i'm trying to let go and move on, and he's baiting me constantly. i'm racked with guilt for what i did to H and my marriage, and i'm racked with guilt for what i did to xAP, given that he was ready to leave his wife for me. so, i'm trying to make sense of it all.

i think ignoring the emails is the best way. the more i ignore, at some point, he's gotta get tired of sending them, right? also, i'd never ever tell his W. that poor woman. i mean if our positions were reversed and somebody showed up at my place saying his, i'd probably beat the crap outta her. and this woman is very tall. so, i aint steppin to her. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 3:59pm

Yeah, my post was meant for you. I was just suggesting that you threaten to tell his W if he continues to harrass you. I'll bet he disappeared like Houdini if you made the threat to him and made him believe that you would actually tell her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 8:14pm

Yes, ignoring is the only way. It's over and done and now you both deal. I am sorry that he is pestering you- it certainly shows that he doesn't respect you, but he's only acting in a manner that would have evoked a response in the past, so don't give it to him. The only way, IMHO, is to block and walk and never look back.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 11:35am

so todays' email from xAP was like "hey, i know you're done with me, but you haven't answered any of my calls or emails in over a week, so i just want to know you're ok, just write me back really quickly and tell me you're alive and i'll leave you alone"

so what am i supposed to do with THAT? my instinct is obviously, block and walk, but then part of me thinks "will it really be so bad if i send one email?" its like a drug addict who thinks they can take one hit...lol...thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 11:39am

Yes, think of it as an alcoholic taking one drink. Don't answer him. One little innocent note back will suck you back in. It's none of his business how you are doing.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 11:43am

Do not respond. Just don't. It's an age-old tactic to re-engage you; almost all of us who have blocked and walked have either seen it or (ack) DONE it. Never with good results.

No Contact. No Contact. No Contact. Got it?

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 11:53am
ok, got it. im going to start writing post its that say "no contact" on it and leaving them all over the house :) you guys rock
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 11:55am

Good idea. Write it on your hand too, I've done that. If someone asks you what it means tell them it's your reminder that you Need Cheese.

Bodhi