Tired of Being Angry
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Tired of Being Angry
| Thu, 10-28-2004 - 1:02am |
I am so tired of being angry, and would really appreciate some advice from someone who's been there on how to get to a new headspace.
The affair had to end...but it didn't end angrily. We were best friends before the relationship turned physical, both married, and our families close friends. My relationship with his wife turned toxic, which had a lot to do with the affair ending, because he had difficulty finding a way to be with me. (Obviously this is the Cliff Notes version of my relationship. I've told my story on here before. It's not important. The anger I'm feeling is the real issue I need help with.)
Anyway, when we ended it, things were okay. But now, 6 weeks later, I'm angry.
I see him almost every day because we work in the same environment, but suddenly - maybe not so suddenly, I suppose - it seems like we have absolutely nothing to say to each other. That pisses me off. We were best friends. He was always so funny and playful around me in public. Now I find myself glaring at him, hating him for not being that same funny guy he used to be. But I have nothing to say to him either! And I'm angry with him for not treating me like he did when we were best friends. Even when we're alone together, I have absolutely nothing to say to him. I guess because we don't hang out together anymore, we just have no frame of reference...no experiences in common to talk about.
I don't hate him, and I don't want to. I want to like him. I really do. I want to be friends again, the way we were before we started sleeping together, but I know that's impossible. I'm mad because while I know the physical relationship needed to end, I didn't really want us to not be friends anymore. I really cherished the friendship. And it just crumbled into nothing so quickly.
So how do I get over this anger and disappointment over the destruction of the friendship? How do I deal with seeing him every day and not walking away disappointed or pissed off, and having it consume my thoughts 85% of the time? I wake up thinking about the cycle of our relationship, and I go to bed thinking about it. I wish I could just stop thinking about it, but I don't know how.
The affair had to end...but it didn't end angrily. We were best friends before the relationship turned physical, both married, and our families close friends. My relationship with his wife turned toxic, which had a lot to do with the affair ending, because he had difficulty finding a way to be with me. (Obviously this is the Cliff Notes version of my relationship. I've told my story on here before. It's not important. The anger I'm feeling is the real issue I need help with.)
Anyway, when we ended it, things were okay. But now, 6 weeks later, I'm angry.
I see him almost every day because we work in the same environment, but suddenly - maybe not so suddenly, I suppose - it seems like we have absolutely nothing to say to each other. That pisses me off. We were best friends. He was always so funny and playful around me in public. Now I find myself glaring at him, hating him for not being that same funny guy he used to be. But I have nothing to say to him either! And I'm angry with him for not treating me like he did when we were best friends. Even when we're alone together, I have absolutely nothing to say to him. I guess because we don't hang out together anymore, we just have no frame of reference...no experiences in common to talk about.
I don't hate him, and I don't want to. I want to like him. I really do. I want to be friends again, the way we were before we started sleeping together, but I know that's impossible. I'm mad because while I know the physical relationship needed to end, I didn't really want us to not be friends anymore. I really cherished the friendship. And it just crumbled into nothing so quickly.
So how do I get over this anger and disappointment over the destruction of the friendship? How do I deal with seeing him every day and not walking away disappointed or pissed off, and having it consume my thoughts 85% of the time? I wake up thinking about the cycle of our relationship, and I go to bed thinking about it. I wish I could just stop thinking about it, but I don't know how.

You deal with being angry by understanding that it is all part & parcel of the whole grieving process. The anger isn't permanent, Limbo. You're not stuck being angry for the remainder of your days. Honest.
While we seem to get there at different speeds and often in differing order, acceptance was for me the step which followed anger.
What helped me to get there was examining exactly what it was about which I was feeling angry. I discovered I was actually pretty angry at myself for all kinds of reasons.
My anger at exOM actively prevented me from seeing that rather than being some kind of victim, I was actually a rather willing participant to my own situation.
I was certainly free at all times to say "No," yet I *chose* to continue the affair. I therefore had no option but to claim my one-half responsibility and began to deal with everything that brings with it. Nothing had been "done" to me that I did not enable, encourage and specifically permit. My friendship with exOM was forfeit because I chose to take to a level I shouldn't have allowed. My choices brought me to wherever it was I found myself.
Your anger is a shield which is protecting you right now, Limbo. I clung to my anger shield for a good long while (or perhaps it just felt like that lol) purely because there was much I wasn't ready to accept about myself and my own contributions.
When you are ready for the next step, acceptance, you will begin dismantling your own anger shield. Been there and survived, hon, and you will, too.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
I just wanted to say that I know I am headed in your direction soon. My A is about to end, and we work together. I am already predicting this sngry stage between us.
What I also would like to know on this topic is, IS IT POSSIBLE TO KEEP A FRIENDSHIP AFTER THE A?
My MM and I really do respect one another as individuals, and when I focus on the fact that he is NOT the fantasy man I created in my mind, and that I DO want to build a life and have babies with my H, then I feel a kind of warmth for my MM and i hope he can heal is M as well. And I can even picture us (after the hurricane has left town, LOL), touching base once in a while and talking about our kids or work or having lunch...and I picture myself not having any sexual feelings for him because (hopefully) my H will be rocking my world. I picture myself thinking as I am having lunch with my xMM, "What a nice guys, but WHAT was I thinking?!? My H is SOOOO much more gorgeous than him, and my M is amazing. This guy is a good guy, a good friend, but at the end of the day he is a bit of a lovable geek."
Does anyone think it is possible for me to get to that point??
Has anyone been able to keep a healthy, friendly contact with xMM/W?
Well, I have to question what kind of friendship would be beneficial to maintain since an inappropriately intimate friendship does nothing but leak intimacy from the marriage I'm trying hard to rebuild.
I don't have any other friends who have encouraged and enabled me to lie, to cheat and to betray. I do not permit this with my other friends, so why would I permit this from exOM or continue a "friendship" with him?
Since I also enabled and encouraged exOM to lie, cheat and betray, what kind of friend was I? What kind of friendship did we *really* have?
If I am honest (and I have no reason not to be these days which is wonderful just in itself), it was a friendship/relationship based on attempting to meet unhealthy needs in one another, and one that was not healthy for me or him at any stage of that friendship/relationship. It became an ugly feeding frenzy. I have no need and no desire to return to that kind of friendship, thanks very much.
It goes without saying that any friendship I attempted to maintain with exOM would be a huge insult to my husband as well as to exOM's DP. I've stated here & elsewhere that I'd much prefer someone come up and punch my husband on the nose rather than see anyone try to snide his way around DH. At least that is honest action in that it's open & above-board and the consequences for doing so would be accepted rather than deflected.
Shirley Glass had this to say about "When Friendship Crosses the Line":-
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley Glass
"WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?" ~Shirley Glass PhD~
I don't believe I could maintain a friendship with exOM that wouldn't cross a fair few of these lines. What I have with DH is simply far too precious to consider even testing it.
However, this is very much my own choice, Loves, and you have your own to make.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie