Tired of it :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Tired of it :(
4
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 4:28am

Hi, I hope you have room for a another newbie.  I am a W who actually just separated from her DH this week (we still live together because of $$$).  I have been in a one month affair with a man (separated) I met.  I loved how he made me feel, I lived for the mushy sweet sexy texts so forth.  It was basically sex but boy it was a rush.  Since my DH and I separated this week (He knows nothing of the A), I am realizing the right thing to do is to make things right with my DH.  I feel there is a real chance.  

My AP was separated with 5 grown kids, and yes that family was very dysfuctional.  He told me he was attacked this week and yet I can't see him and his contact has been less and less.  Red flags are going up all over the place since he says his estranged wife has hit him in the hospital so forth.  If he did text, it was to complain or gripe.  I am over this.

I realized the grass would NOT be greener on the other side, if anything more brown.  I am feeling pangs of sadness this is going to end and I know it is for the best.  How do I get over this?  It seems like so hard to do.  I am also scared of trying to reunite with DH.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 9:27pm

Hi Hurtinggal

There's always room here for a newbie :)  I think it is a good decision on your part to step back and off.  He and his life sound like a real mess, and I think you are getting out in the nick of time.  His whole situation sounds scary.

If I were you, I'd do what I can to block all avenues of communication so he can't reach you when his dust settles.  This way you can begin to be present in your reality and work towards reconnecting with your husband.

It's hard to suddenly lose those feelgoods that someone has provided, but you have already figured out it seems to me that that's about all this guy could have provided...the occasional passing feelgood.  Not much substance there.

I'm sorry it's so quiet here.  People do occasionally pop in. 

I'm here and so please feel free to post as often as you need for support.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 10:31pm

Thank you for providing a safe haven for us to vent.  I had nowhere to turn.  Even while estranged my DH has offered more for me.  exAP offered things on his terms after being "great" at first.  Got old.  I would be lying to say this didn't hurt still.....

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 06-08-2013 - 11:07pm

We understand it hurts...really, we do.  It doesn't take long to become attached if things in life are stressful and painful, and going through a separation hurts too...and so there are a few painful things going on with you, and now you've lost your escape.  It's okay to feel hurt and sad.

But there's never a good escape from what we need to deal with head on because when we don't deal with our problems when they come up, they not only don't go away, but start to compound due to our neglect.

You're going to be okay. You just have to get through this, and you will.  A little time and distance will help you gain some clarity and free you up to address your marriage.

Are you and your husband in counseling?  Counseling also provides a safe haven to get it all out and have a therapist to keep things on track.

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2013
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 7:44am

We are seeing someone today actually, our minister and talk to him.  I had confided to a friend and the whole scenario of the exAP, that is scary and I am thankful I came out alive.  He decided to send a pic (before I read your response) and those were defensive wounds.  He is a hot mess but I still ache a wee bit. He did say the right stuff when DH didn't.  A shame I got suckered in.