Today is 90 days
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| Wed, 09-01-2010 - 8:10am |
I have had this date marked on my calendar since I joined this message board. I have been so ready to celebrate my 90th day of NC. I am so proud of myself for finally seeing the light and getting out of the A fog. I had two Ddays from xMM's wife and lived through all the emotional pain I caused myself, my family and xMM's family....I should be jumping up and down.
Instead I am sitting at a pity party, table for one. My emotions are all over the place, but I will get them under control.
xMM comes back to work next week which I just found out about last night. He starts back on Tuesday.
I have been soooooo busy this summer focused on my H, my family and helping a friend launch a new business. I have be so busy to the point of exhaustion but I kept going. I felt I was getting stronger every day and thought less and less of xMM. Now it seems my emotions have taken several steps backwards. My stomach is in knots and my body feels like jello.
But, I can't worry a WEEK IN ADVANCE. I have to live in the moment and focus on what is in front of me...my life, my H and my family.
I have been looking for other jobs and had two interviews this summer. I was runner-up for both jobs, but I am still looking and very much determined to leave the job that forces me to see xMM.
I made it to 90 days. I didn't falter. I set a goal and I accomplished it. For that I am pleased!
MovingON

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Thanks NC,
And yes, I promise no more carpooling. I'm sure life at their home is stressed with the thought of him going back to work. His W asked me what started it up the A again and it was him returning to work last fall, but the DIFFERENCE now is that I wasn't hanging onto the A. Now, it is over.
I have been with this job for over eight years and has fit into the family life well...not many places I work 1.5 hours a night and carry full benefits for the family. I work another part time job around the kids schedule. Now, my focus is a full time job and I'll just have to pay for the benefits, but it will be worth it.
I will keep plugging away.....
MovingON
MovingON
Hey MO50 :)
Right, no sense worrying and working yourself up about something a week in advance.
So happy for you MO!
You have been such a great support to others on the board as you navigated your journey to Tweenervile!
Much love and big hugs,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi Clarity,
Okay, why is my stomach in knots and my body feel like jello and today my mind so distracted?
Well, 90 days of NC was out of sight, out of mind and this may sound strange but its almost like he didn't exist anymore? I avoided routes that took me by his place of business, and even went out of my way to avoid routes in our hometown.
Now since he will be coming back to work will I cave and give into emotions? My head is strong, but will my heart cave? I am hoping it doesn't. I am hoping I see him and think, 'wtf' why did I ever get into an A in the first place rather than still have feelings for this man. Our A ended because of Dday from his W, not of our own choosing. If we hadn't been found it, it probably would have continued.
I am also worried about xMM's wife. She has a right to protect herself and her family and I'm hoping she will no longer involve me or my family. I blocked all phone numbers from her and xMM, but now have to subscribe per line to have numbers blocked, something new for Verizon that just started a couple of days ago. xMM's W threatened before and I hope she doesn't contact my husband. My H does not know of this A, the second time around. He knew about the first one, that broke off, but didn't know it started back up again. xMM's W told me never to talk to her H again, to leave them alone.
I may have interaction with xMM because of my position at work as union steward, and last night told I might be involved in training. I can't help that. Also, xMM's wife contacted my best friend at work about the A for information few months ago. I would hope she would leave all of us alone. I worry about drama that might be, I don't want to deal with it anymore.
Well, I'm rambling, kind of like my thoughts today.
MovingON
MovingON
So basically, you are concerned with the pain of heartache?
Dear WithClarity,
Yes, to answer your question, in the beginning I was moving on because I was forced to by xMM's wife. In retrospect, I am glad of the Dday, something needed to have happened. I knew what I was doing was wrong, knew it had to end, but could not get out of it. I weakly tried twice to end it with xMM, but he always pulled me back in.
I suffered like so many of us in the beginning with trying to hang onto any shred of the relationship. The situation with xMM's W (texting, phone calls, a meeting) kept that going for about two weeks and then when it was too much drama for me, I blocked all phone numbers and said to myself, enough is enough. I purposely burned the bridge to xMM by telling the truth to his W, answering truthfully all questions asked of me and came clean to all the lies told by us. If I wanted the A to continue, I had the opportunity to lie, lie, lie because xMM wanted me to so it would start up again for a third time. I told myself no more and took my life back for me, my H and my family.
I also examined my own behavior to what led me to the A in the first place. I continue to work on those issues as they built up over decades, and I'm working to take down those walls of anger. At times, I still struggle with the issues and the anger occasionally flares up but nothing like the past. The biggest help to me is living in the moment rather than rehashing the past and hoping the future will change all the past hurts. It has made me happier and I'm enjoying life more than I ever did.
I thought the A with xMM would change my life, make me happier, was the soulmate I was searching for, but he wasn't. The A was just fluff, he wasn't the man I thought he was and I am embarrassed by the woman who I was during those two years. I was not strong, I had zero accountability and I hurt myself and could've lost my H and my kids.
I guess what scares me the most now is the thought of losing my family because of my stupid past actions. I struggled with telling my H about the second time around, but my reasons 2 1/2 months ago for telling him were to ease my conscience. There aren't health issues to be concerned with because we never had sex.
Last night when I talked to my husband about the new training issues and the employee I fought to get back to work (didn't know both would start at same time since I was told I there was only one spot and it goes by seniority), I told H I was stressed about my new responsibilities and the fact this man was coming back to work. My H had forgotten all about this man since it was 1.5 years ago and said nothing when I made the comment.
(When we had our first Dday, xMM's W contacted my husband at work and my husband backed me up and said we weren't having an A. Later I told him we were were having an emotional affair. All my H asked of me was if I had slept with him, and no I hadn't. He didn't want to know anything else and thought that was the end of it. Well, a few months later xMM contacted me and we started back up again. It was emotionally and physically more intense but never had sex, but it came close a couple of times.)
But, I do know I am not the same person who got sucked into the A the second time around. I don't have the same feelings for him, and up until yesterday rarely thought of him anymore. I kept myself so busy this summer and forced myself to focus on ANYTHING other than xMM and that really helped to get me back on track. I was taking back my life. Deep down I knew he would come back to work, but I guess I wasn't prepared for it three months later. From management indicators, it was not supposed to happen for another six months.
So, when he comes back to work, I will do my job. I will keep the small talk to strictly work. I will hold my hold up high and move forward with my life. I can do it!
MovingON
MovingON
Now that I understand your mindset more, I guess I get it.
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