Today is the day

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Today is the day
2
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 3:08am

Well, I've been lurking here for some time as well as the AS board. My story - I'm a 30 something MW involved with a SM for about a year. We met when we lived in the same city in the US, now we're both in different countries. I had the opportunity to see him about every 3-6 months, and could've seen him again this month.

The problem is that since he moved about 6 months ago, he's had very little email or phone contact, I might hear from him every other day or once every 3 weeks. He's doing a volunteer position in a developing country, so it's not like it's his choice. But I haven't dealt with the lack of contact well and he sent me an email this morning saying he may be on an assignment for 3 months without contact. Plus he doesn't want to get any more emotionally involved than he has because of my distance/marriage status.

I've been attempting to go through the motions of ending it for a month (difficult when I can't talk to him) and finally emailed him about it yesterday. I waffled and said I'd like to still come see him next month, he said it would just cause more pain and we should probably end it. I know he's right. So in a way I'm relieved, but that isn't making this any easier.

So I'm here, because I have to get this out, and because I can't just start screaming and pulling my hair out. The one thing I'm grateful for is that my H is out of the country until Sunday - I at least have time on my own to start to deal with this. He still cares for me, and I for him, but I know this is the right thing to do for both of us. And I'm all for the NC, I know I wouldn't be able to deal with it any other way. In fact there's a trash bag ready to be thrown out with clothes, books, cds, etc. that have memories of him. I've deleted all pictures, emails, and today in my final email reply I'll be asking him to do the same.

help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 7:29pm

Mag

What sort of help are you looking for ?

Have you taken a close hard honest look at the WHYS of the affair, what were the reasons\justifications ??

Were do you want to go with your marriage FIX IT / END IT, was it a marriage issue or something else ???

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 2:16am

I don't know what kind of help I'm looking for, it's just nice to have other people here who understand.

I intend to try to stay and fix what's wrong in my marriage, it's not perfect, but I know my husband loves me and would do anything for me. That's definitely not the case with the OM.

Trust me, I've done a lot of thinking about the whys, and I know I have to try to address them so this doesn't happen again. The main problem is the level of physical attraction I have for my H, which is pretty low. It's affected other areas of our marriage now to the point that we don't communicate much. We both know it's a problem, and when he returns from his trip, I intend to have a big talk with him about it.

With the OM, it was easier just to focus all my energies on someone else, who was really not much more than a fantasy. Now I'm back in the real world and have to deal with the real problems of my marriage. I know I have to try, and I know my H is worth making the effort for - even with all our problems, he is a good man and now I feel awful for having done this to our marriage. Yesterday in my darkest moments I considered telling the H about the affair, but I just can't do it. I have to deal with this on my own, easing my suffering by talking to him about it would be selfish on my part. It would crush him.

It is over now, I said my goodbyes to OM yesterday, now I just have to stick to it, which from reading the boards looks to be very difficult. The only evidence I have that he existed in my life now are my memories and a stamp in my passport. I've gotten rid of everything else, and asked him to do the same.

Thanks,
M